I grappled with it for a while. But in time had come to recognize my alpha stuff as purely contextual. Submissive at the core, but with some organizational talents that look to the untrained eye like alpha-ness. And which earn a better income. "Will alpha for food" etc....

But the more control I was expected to exert in one place, the more I wanted it roughly, even violently taken away in another.

Where some might want to end a long project with a lot of high fives and a massive bar tab in a downtown restaurant, I wanted to be kidnapped, feminized and left in a cell in shackles. And I could see how the faux alpha-ness needed the counterweight of the truth of future pet's submissive soul being taken in hand by an knowing, caring nonconsensualist.

I would also argue, as someone who sees it every effing day, that a lot of "take charge" stuff is pure narcissism. Selfish, unreasonable and immature is neither dominant nor submissive. To suppose that it is is to demonstrate a lack of understanding of both dominance and submission. Plus, no one will kidnap you. Which would suck in my case.