In my late teens I became aware that I had both masochistic and sadistic desires. Both of them caused me shame that made it difficult to share with friends and lovers. However my sadistic side also caused me some guilt which my masochistic side did not. So in my mid 20's I did some sessions as a sub. At one point I had a lover who vaguely implied she had a masochistic streak but I was not completely sure and didn't try to take advantage even though I really wanted to. Later on I had a coworker who gave me even stronger signs but she was married.

So I continued to play only as a bottom. I went through a heavy phonesex phase in my early 40's. At first those calls were all maso fantasies. Eventually I started doing some sadistic fantasies. However I still felt a bit guilty about that.

After a few years my interest in phonesex waned and I started going to strip clubs. At first this had nothing to do with kink. I just like to ogle undressed women. Then one night a cute stripper tried to entice me into doing a champagne room. I had 2 or 3 drinks by this time and I made some sort of a joke about how if she didn't stop bothering me I would have to spank her. At this she lit up like a Christmas Tree and blathered about how bad she was. It was incredible epiphany how turned on she was. So I took her to the champagne room and we both had a very good time.

That was the turning point for accepting my sadistic side. For the next few years I played mostly from the top. Got it out of my system so to speak and the feelings of guilt disappeared. After a while I met a very interesting switch and the pendulum started swinging back. In the last decade I have been playing mostly from the bottom but the sadistic fantasies are still there and occasionally that itch gets scratched.