I always had an interests in kink and sadism, but I quite a difficult time rationalising it, even when I read the books and practiced in my personal life in my early 20's. My identity as a "nice girl" was quite important to me. Why did I enjoy hurting and being mean to men? I did not hate men, not at all. I could not wrap my head around it.

I can't say I every figured out "why," but prodomination helped me--A LOT. For the longest time I felt that even when my partners would agree to play, I assumed that they were humouring me. There was so much guilt and confusion. Enter being a pro. There was something about the actual transaction of money that freed me. It wasn't just consent, it was UBER consent. I was able to pass the mental block that it was something horrible about me, but something "different" I was sharing with another person.

I still do take a lot of my identity in being a nice person. I am a nice person. I just really enjoy doing horrible things to willing subjects, and I adore them for that.

Do you have a similar journey? A different one?
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I've broken all my toys. Would you like to be broken?