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#5979 - 08/29/19 03:24 AM Coming to Terms with who your Kink-Self is
Domina M Online   content

Enthusiast

Registered: 10/30/15
Posts: 232
Loc: Paris, France
I always had an interests in kink and sadism, but I quite a difficult time rationalising it, even when I read the books and practiced in my personal life in my early 20's. My identity as a "nice girl" was quite important to me. Why did I enjoy hurting and being mean to men? I did not hate men, not at all. I could not wrap my head around it.

I can't say I every figured out "why," but prodomination helped me--A LOT. For the longest time I felt that even when my partners would agree to play, I assumed that they were humouring me. There was so much guilt and confusion. Enter being a pro. There was something about the actual transaction of money that freed me. It wasn't just consent, it was UBER consent. I was able to pass the mental block that it was something horrible about me, but something "different" I was sharing with another person.

I still do take a lot of my identity in being a nice person. I am a nice person. I just really enjoy doing horrible things to willing subjects, and I adore them for that.

Do you have a similar journey? A different one?
_________________________
I've broken all my toys. Would you like to be broken?

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#6029 - 08/29/19 10:31 PM Re: Coming to Terms with who your Kink-Self is [Re: Domina M]
The Thomas Online   content
Addict

Registered: 10/20/15
Posts: 430
In my late teens I became aware that I had both masochistic and sadistic desires. Both of them caused me shame that made it difficult to share with friends and lovers. However my sadistic side also caused me some guilt which my masochistic side did not. So in my mid 20's I did some sessions as a sub. At one point I had a lover who vaguely implied she had a masochistic streak but I was not completely sure and didn't try to take advantage even though I really wanted to. Later on I had a coworker who gave me even stronger signs but she was married.

So I continued to play only as a bottom. I went through a heavy phonesex phase in my early 40's. At first those calls were all maso fantasies. Eventually I started doing some sadistic fantasies. However I still felt a bit guilty about that.

After a few years my interest in phonesex waned and I started going to strip clubs. At first this had nothing to do with kink. I just like to ogle undressed women. Then one night a cute stripper tried to entice me into doing a champagne room. I had 2 or 3 drinks by this time and I made some sort of a joke about how if she didn't stop bothering me I would have to spank her. At this she lit up like a Christmas Tree and blathered about how bad she was. It was incredible epiphany how turned on she was. So I took her to the champagne room and we both had a very good time. grin

That was the turning point for accepting my sadistic side. For the next few years I played mostly from the top. Got it out of my system so to speak and the feelings of guilt disappeared. After a while I met a very interesting switch and the pendulum started swinging back. In the last decade I have been playing mostly from the bottom but the sadistic fantasies are still there and occasionally that itch gets scratched.

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#6063 - 08/30/19 07:51 PM Re: Coming to Terms with who your Kink-Self is [Re: Domina M]
nysubjack Online   content
Regular

Registered: 10/19/15
Posts: 134
I realized that I had "different" sexual interest on my early teens. I wasn't really sure of why I seemed to have interests that didn't seem common in my friends. I began to experiment with simple self bondage and had a pretty large collection of wooden clothespins hidden away in my bedroom. I though I had died and went to heaven when I discovered Penthouse Forum with their occasional, and usually silly, article about dominant women.

OF course in high school and college I had my share of vanilla girlfriends and relationships, though I always had that still secret desire to be on heavy leather bondage and at the mercy of a sadistic women. it was not until I was working in NYC that I finally had a chance live that fantasy. While I didn't know it at the time, I was incredibly lucky that my first experience was with the amazing Ava Taurel. The rest, as they say, is history. Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful history!

Thanks for posting an interesting question, it was fun to wander down memory lane.

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#6072 - 08/31/19 03:33 AM Re: Coming to Terms with who your Kink-Self is [Re: The Thomas]
Domina M Online   content

Enthusiast

Registered: 10/30/15
Posts: 232
Loc: Paris, France
Quote:
At this she lit up like a Christmas Tree and blathered about how bad she was. It was incredible epiphany how turned on she was.


That is awesome!

I do often mention that most people have a BDSM itch that needs to be scratched. I am glad you came to a self-understanding. Of course, I did so long ago, but it was so very real and confusing for me when I was young.
_________________________
I've broken all my toys. Would you like to be broken?

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#6073 - 08/31/19 03:40 AM Re: Coming to Terms with who your Kink-Self is [Re: nysubjack]
Domina M Online   content

Enthusiast

Registered: 10/30/15
Posts: 232
Loc: Paris, France
Quote:
I was incredibly lucky that my first experience was with the amazing Ava Taurel.


WOW! That must have been AMAZING! I had the pleasure of meeting Ava a few times in NYC before her passing. She was such a POWERHOUSE of energy. When I would see her she would always say, "Oh, you're the one who looks like Anita Ekberg. Well, come along." I don't think she ever remembered my name, but I was okay with this moniker.

New York was the place in the US to explore kink, for sure.
_________________________
I've broken all my toys. Would you like to be broken?

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#6095 - 08/31/19 03:30 PM Re: Coming to Terms with who your Kink-Self is [Re: Domina M]
nysubjack Online   content
Regular

Registered: 10/19/15
Posts: 134
You're right, it was definitely an amazing experience and made me realize that it was perfectly fine and natural to embrace this part of myself.

Interestingly enough, even though I had told her that this was my first real experience with BDSM, she told me at the end of the session that "whoever had me before her had done an excellent job training me". I politely reminded her that this was my first real session, and she responded with "then you were born for this". Even now, many years later, I realize how liberating and inspiring those words were and what a gift they were to me. In fact, I sue those words in my profile to this day.

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#6117 - 09/02/19 09:32 AM Re: Coming to Terms with who your Kink-Self is [Re: nysubjack]
junglebeast Online   content
Addict

Registered: 06/15/19
Posts: 424
I got into the scene when I was a horny college kid who hit a "dry spell" dating in the early '70s, was willing to do just about anything to meet beautiful women and had (and still have) an overactive imagination that has gotten me into many adventures over the years. Back then when I bought my first copy of Screw Magazine everything clicked.

Immediately I knew what I didn't like, and still don't (anal); and loved, and still do, being the center of attention for gorgeous, dominant, imaginative and intelligent women. The key turn-on for me has always been being an exhibitionist (for one Mistress) and being a sex object and entertainment for the Mistress.

Over the years I've been seduced, prodded, ordered, etc. by some wonderful women into things as a college kid I never knew existed or would be turned on by: foot worship, hand spanking, slapping, scissor holds, light bondage, even being a switch for parts of sessions. And with two or three Mistresses I know or knew very well, I've had unique experiences that I won't divulge here.

Compared with the experiences I have read from accomplished Dominas and subs here and on MaxFisch over the years I guess I'm just a light kinkster who loves the costuming and the drama of sessions. As I've said to more than a few Dominas I have served, I feel my sessions are kind of like an adult Disney World experience.

Guilt? Sure. But I'm comfortable with who I am and how this turns me on. And, as I want to make clear, I feel lucky to have served so many gorgeous, caring, imaginative and professional women who know how to play, and play safely.

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