I have been thinking of broaching this subject for a while, but have talked Myself out of it a few times. jackyb's question in another thread about "excuses" to be MIA for a session got Me thinking about this again.

I have had several clients get caught by their significant others over the years. A recent one ended very tragically. All of them could have been avoided with some common sense and basic precautions.

Question: Have you ever been caught or came close to getting caught?

I would be willing to share My experiences with this if any of you think it would help you. I don't want to make this thread about guilt. Keeping your kink from your partner is your business, so let's not turn this into a "you should come clean with your partner" thread. That could very well be a seperate thread, but let's not do it here.

Please share Mistress Ayn! And thank You for keeping the conversation focused.

Amazingly I only know of 3 instances in all these years. One was several years ago - he and his wife are still separated due to it. The other two happened within the last 6 months. One was so tragic I am still a bit of a mess over it.

In all 3 situations, I truly believe that the subs wanted to get caught on some level. In the first situation, the sub purchased items for Me on a credit card he knew his wife would look at and actually pay. He and his wife used to play D/s games together and she suddenly stopped. I think it was his numbnuts way of confronting her. The only problem was he could have put Me in the crosshairs too and that's not cool. I don't want to be investigated or deposed in a divorce case. Thankfully she didn't blame Me.

In the second case, the sub engaged in a lot of texting with providers (both Domme and escort) and did not have a passcode on his phone. A provider asked him about this once and he said his wife wasn't curious in that way. Who doesn't have a passcode on their phone - even if they are not trying to hide anything? I don't know a soul who does not have a passcode on their phone. Again, this sounds like someone wanting to get caught even if non-consciously. Of course, eventually, providers starting receiving nasty texts from that phone sent by the sub's wife. I have a strict no text policy, so I was spared the nastiness, but several others were less fortunate. This was actually one of My favorite subs and he ended up taking his own life.

The last case is a real head-scratcher. The sub said that "somehow" email conversations between us were "accidentally" posted to his vanilla facebook profile which he seldom used. Of course, someone promptly notified his fiancee of this - a few weeks prior to the wedding. I still don't know the final outcome of this, but I hope they were able to sort it out.

It's ironic how subs often seem paranoid that the Domme will somehow out them when in My experience, the sub does a pretty good job of that himself.

My suggestions:

1. Have a "play" phone that is only used for this type of communication. Keep your personal/work phone clean.
2. If you do use your regular phone, don't text a provider and tell them not to text you. Texts can be answered long after they are initiated and your partner might be sitting right there when an incriminating text pops up. Alternatively, turn off notifications.
3. Set up a "play" email account. Keep your vanilla account clean.
4. Communicate with your Domme what type of communication is okay and what is not. However, this is not infallible - refer back to the above suggestions.
5. Unless your banking is completely separate, don't use services like paypal, cash.me, etc to send deposits or tributes. Amazon gift cards paid for by cash in a store are the only completely anonymous way to transfer payment. (The code on the back can be given to the Domme for redemption.)
6. Make sure you are logged out of all social media on your phone when entering a dungeon or provider's location. Apps like Facebook have been known to track your whereabouts and then suggest you become friends with someone that was also logged in at that address. That particular program is insidious.
7. Never put the address of a dungeon into the GPS of your car. Find a business address that is close and use that.

I am sure this list is not exhaustive, so if anyone else has suggestions, please post here for the common good.

My paranoia goes way beyond a significant other to friends, family, co-workers and even people I know in the same industry. I agree with everything that Mistress Ayn posted.

In fact, I literally just turned down a great opportunity to session with an famous Domme I have lusted over because her policy was to only accept deposits through Gift Rocket (which requires you to use methods which attach the transaction to your identity) and had another consent to make an exception to accept an Amazon gift card for the deposit rather than bank transfers or Circle Pay (same issue).

I do not use any work-provided equipment (computers/phones/tablets) for any kink related activities, even including using their WiFi with my kink phone when I am in the office (I can use my phone's data plan instead). I have separate phones for kink and vanilla uses (which I think could cause an issue in a significant other situation since nothing is more "hinky" than seeing someone with 2 or 3 phones). I have all my computers set to lock after a certain amount of time without use and use browsers that auto-delete my history when I close them for all my kink activities so no one can just come across them (I use a different browser for my vanilla ones). The same goes for my own BDSM equipment which I keep in a locked room in my house that no one is allowed to go into.

I focus on keeping my legal identity and my kink one completely segregated in all aspects as well as not allowing one or the other to be compromised by someone casually. I also don't trust myself to be perfect about it so I try to build multiple things into the way I do stuff so one single mistake doesn't screw me because I have some kind of backup that also must fail.

Makes everything a giant pain in the ass for me... costs me more money to do some things... even makes people not trust me in some ways... but it has worked ever since I started doing it and I am ok with people thinking I am "weird".

Among the guys I know who have gotten caught, or else just were sloppy in their protocol, I suspected they subconsciously wanted to get caught, too... Anyway, great advice and always worth thinking about. Some comments:



I think whether a play phone works better than a 2nd line (google voice, Sideline, Line2, TextMe, etc.) on your regular phone, is a matter of circumstances. Your wife finds a 2nd phone -- well, there's no more obvious indication that you're up to funny business, than that. If I find my wife has a 2nd hidden phone, I'm going into absolute red alert.

If you do have a 2nd line, among the things you should consider: 1. turn off all notifications so it never rings or displays that you've gotten a text, 2. log out of it except when you're free to check messages, 3. password protect it, and/or consider using an app-hiding app to hide it completely from the app drawer.



Agree... there are so many options these days. Get a free 2nd line on your phone and keep it shut down, no excuse not to do that, do not put it on the provider to know when to text you and when not.



While I think that's a great idea, also agree with your caveat. Anyone can make a mistake, and a domme has lots and lots of clients, easy to make an innocent mistake of thinking you're texting one person and you're in someone else's text string, etc. As the client, my rule is: if a small innocent mistake by a provider can ruin my life, I've fucked up royally, because everyone makes mistakes. I should be taking my own safety into my own hands: 2nd line, notifications shut down, fake email address with notifications shut off on that, etc.



Really good advice. When it comes to location, the other thing I always did is have an explanation as to why I was in the area, and often I'd tell my then-wife in advance. "Heading into the city today to have lunch with Bob and then check out Bass Pro Shop" (or whatever). I figured lots of things could happen that could place me in the area -- I could get into an accident, I could run a red light that has a camera and the pic and ticket are mailed to my house, etc.

Very well thought out additions, swordfish. I had never thought of a 2nd line. I know some people use Google Voice, but I have no experience with it. Great advice.

The idea of a 2nd phone (play phone) always makes Me think of the many scenes in Breaking Bad, when Walt almost gets caught by his wife. Like the time it was vibrating in it's hiding place behind the ceiling tiles. That's a tough one to explain.

I use Google Voice and It works well. if you do use it, you have to remember that it stores all texts, call records and voicemail messages in the cloud and all of these are accessible through your Gmail account, so if you use it, you must be aware of the fact that it all of these records are kept.

Not that this is relevant to this particular topic but one of my favorite features of google voice is that I can connect the number to multiple phones so it will text or ring through regardless of whoch device is with me at the time.