Hi! I love my professional monthly New York City dominatrix visits. They are amazing. But was looking for a female dominant partner that I could see more often and enjoy my fetishes with.

But I looked at Fetlife Classified quickly and it was mostly male doms looking for female subs or rarely a female domme looking for a 20 to 30 year old sub. I am an active, healthy and young looking 50 year old. Is there any hope for me to find someone?

Spike

Hi, Spike.

Here's the reality about finding a "lifestyle" Dominant woman:

The numbers are against you.

While I think there are more Dominant women than people realize, they're not all going to be kinky. And those that are may not be into *your* kinks. Then, those that are may already be in a relationship. Those that aren't have to be looking. And then we need to look at what those that looking are looking for. Relationship? Play partner?

So, let's turn this into some imaginary and not real statistical numbers. We'll use 100 because it's easy. We'll assume that the women are heterosexual in some capacity.

100 women
40 are Dominant, in some capacity (i.e. they may be switches)
20 of those are kinky, in some capacity
8 of those are single
5 of those are looking
4 want a more serious relationship
1 wants a play partner

Now, let's look at the men.
100 men
40 are submissive, in some capacity
32 of those are kinky, in some capacity
20 of those are single
18 of those are looking
8 want a serious relationship
10 want a play partner

When comparing the two you can quickly see that you have a 10 men looking for a play partner versus 1 women. Again, this is hypothetical and not based on real statistical data.

That 1 woman has her choice of 10 guys.

Gentlemen, you have competition. Desire is not enough.

I can tell you that just trying to find a woman online who wants to play with you or date you is going to have worse odds than if you actually make an effort to meet someone in person.

So, find your local groups. Go to munches and play parties. Meet people. Befriend them. And maybe you will be able to find someone who will *consider* playing with you.

Can you see why the professional Dominant is so vital to the fabric of our society?

Great points Mistress! I was thinking much the same. Time to get an extra job to afford the luxury of seeing professional dommes!

Spike,

I think there is hope. You just got to think outside the box. I have found myself in your shoes before. I do think the numbers are stacked against you if you are looking for someone specifically advertising as a lifestyle Domme. But ihave had success in my personal dating life. Ive used eveything from dating sites, to instagram, to just pick up lines in real life. At some point (when its natural and not creepy) i take the conversation to my kink and femdom interests. Ive found a lot of acceptance and interest from Women. I think on some levels all of us are kinky perverts that want new sexual experiences. But many are nervous to bring up. I also think most people want to please their partner as long as it doesn’t cross a boundary.

Im in a relationship now where the woman i date is not a dominatrix doesnt identify as one but is happy to play the part and has fun with it. I also make sure im doing what she enjoys and in between all of that we have a normal relationship where we pay bills, cook dinner, and have fights :-). She was never advertising that she wanted to kick her partner in the balls but she is happy to do it because i enjoy it.

Many men aren’t comfortable talking about their kinks and fetishes iI believe its actually made me unique and stand out.

Great response and exactly how I got kink in my personal life back in the day. She was my date then GF then partner first and play partner/Mistress later. Never a FLR or anything approaching 7/24 but she came to embrace many aspects of my kinks. She loved having a closest full of furs (this back in the day when they were very fashionable and sought after) and designer shoes and boots.

She was also definitely in the dominant 40% of woman Mistress Tissa referred to. While I doubt she ever would have initiated kink she came to embrace our play system that saw her 100% in charge once I was in secure bondage. That resulted in some surprises for me over the years but was by and large very exciting and fulfilling.

Do the work, give equal time to her wants and needs in the relationship and you may be surprised

You may want to consider checking out lifestyle fetish groups in your area. Some of them are real duds. But, if you are patient, you will luck into a few where you will meet nice people. There tends to be more submissive females than dominant. But, finding a female dom is still possible in these groups. Socializing in person instead of on line has been much better for me.

Fetlife classifieds and even group posts receive very little action. The best use for Fetlife is for finding groups, classes, and events for in person meetings. Find your closest FLR or FemDom group and get involved rather than general Fetlife classifieds.

Everything said about focusing on the person rather than the kink applies. They are called unicorns for a reason. Good luck.

All of my submissive partners have been men I've met for the first time in a vanilla setting, who had no idea of my kinks. If I had good chemistry with them, it was due to my attraction to their nature (submissive/polite/service-oriented), so the kinky dynamic just came naturally. I'd suggest not looking for dominant women specifically, just look for women you vibe with. Many Dommes wont post to those forums in fear of being used as a kink dispenser.

These are all really good points.

And I like what Domme Lynx said:



Totally. Just look for someone you like a person first.

I met my most recent partner on FetLife. It's true! I fell totally in love with this man and I met him on FetLife, y'all! LOL You know how he approached me? Not like "hey, ur hot. will u fuk me in th assss??" He was like, "Hey, I love this thing you wrote in this group. Very intelligent." And that lead to a conversation about it which lead to another conversation about whatever, like music we liked or something and then us meeting and then fast forward to us being together for several years.

So, yeah. Be a real person and not an erection with legs.

thanks for the posts spike. i've had the same kind of issues. my problem isn't limited to kink, its all the time. eventually i worked with a therapist and was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. i run from everything resembling a relationship and i couldn't understand why i couldn't find someone to have a relationship with. i don't know anything about you, so i'm not saying you might have a disorder similar to mine or anything about you at all. what i am saying, is it might be something that hasn't even occurred to you yet or that you've even heard of at all. this thread, that you started, has been really helpful to me. i know nothing about relationships and it sounds like a lot of great advice that i am trying to put into practice.