Mistresses and Memoires

The pro community (ProDommes and subs that see pros) typically takes a harsh view of Mistresses that leave the scene and then write memoires that include dungeon activities. From what I can tell, the consensus is that "what happens in the dungeon should stay in the dungeon".

I am interested in the opinion of the group - both Domme and sub.

Have you read any of these books?
Do you think the retelling of dungeon activities, even if the identity of the sub is protected, is inappropriate?
Do the authors generally deserve the critizim they receive?

I am not planning on writing a book - but I think I could write a damned interesting one ;-) Just sayin.

I haven't read any outright memoirs. One practitioner I have known for several years published a How to Manual that is not exactly the same thing though she did embellish it with some personal anecdotes so it is not completely different either.

However another not completely retired Domme I know has a published author as a friend and wants to publish her Femdom memoirs. In addition to being a Domme she ran a dungeon so it would include stuff about the Dommes she supervised as well as the subs. You know things like being high on heroin on the job (she has quite a few stories about that)

Don't ask me details about the current status of this project. For one thing my interaction with this conniving individual have deteriorated and currently stand at DEFCON 2

I have only read a couple of true Dominatirx mamoires Myself. The personal journey stuff was a bit boring to Me - her battle with heroin, her struggle to keep her personal relationships together, her search for the perfect career, etc. My biggest complaint with both books was they made Dommes in general seem "broken" (not just themselves but others they encountered) and that being a Domme was just a thing they did during their self discovery. Both of these Dommes were only in the scene a couple of years at best, but that seems to be who usually writes these things. I have yet to read the memoires of a Domme dedicated to her craft. I might feel differently if I read one like that.

The one thing I did enjoy about the two books was the dungeon stories, but that seems to be what most people have issues with. As long as identities are protected, I don't see what the big deal is, but I seem to be in the minority.




When a Domme starts writing about other Dommes things can get a bit sticky. It is much harder to protect identities and can even cause identities to be confused. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes if she dishes on other Dommes and then try to stay in business - especially if she ever intends to run a Dungeon again.


In one of the two books of this kind I have read, the Domme has lots of Dungeon tales and she didn't spare herself in the telling. She admits to falling for a client and gives intimate details of their relationship. I can't imagine anyone reading the book and knowing who that sub was, unless you already knew the Mistress on a personal level. I don't see where the sub was "outed". He might be furious and embarrassed by the contents of the book, but his reputation as a man and sub are intact, because no one knows who he is, except possibly other Dommes he has seen. However, in the same book she does "out" more than one Mistress - two in a very negative light. One was instantly recognizable to me and she is on another continent. That I had an issue with.




That sounds worthy of a chapter.

Mistress, I think these types of stories and readings can also help subs discover themselves without feeling guilty or like a freak. As long as the names are changed to protect the kinky I think it is great.

I can see that, missy. Good observation. I find other Domme's session escapades fascinating. After all, that's pretty much what we talk about when a bunch of Domme's get together. Why shouldn't others benefit or be entertained if identities are protected?

I have read threads (mainly from subs) that see Dungeon stories as a violation of their confidence - like a therapist, but therapists reveal case studies of patients all the time without violating a confidence. I don't see this as any different.

While I haven't read any full length Domme memoirs I do recall reading 2-3 articles on the mainstream web (e.g. Huffpost) along the lines of "What's it like to be a Dominatrix". At least one was done as an interview.

Unfortunately our (alleged) culture has become thoroughly Oprahfied and so the whole "journey" narrative has become de rigueur.

If it were the mistresses who were complaining about describing activities I might guess it was because of the legal grey area pro domination occupies. But below you say it is mostly the subs. This mystifies me. You would think the memoirs would make good wank fodder, n'est ce-pas?

Now one possibility is the memoirs spell out sub misbehavior. The gropers. The guys who demand "happy endings". The guys who constantly try to get you to take your top off. The guys who try to extend the session time without paying extra. The guys who demand same day sessions. Yeah those guys. They might feel guilty reading about how the Dommes despise their antics.

My only other theory is the guys really deep into the humiliation vibe (I am not one) might feel that inside the dungeon the humiliation is Good Humiliation but if it gets in the public domain it becomes Bad Humiliation.

It is interesting what you wrote because about 15 years ago I was one of those guys. I was uninformed, arrogant, and a neophyte. Then I met Mistress Vinyl Queen and had an amazsing experience and we are still friends to this day. But it was Mistress Amiko who helped me grow through rigorous training over months and through years of sessions, and who also assisted me in making amends to several Mistresses I had wronged, including her. My open heart surgery 10 years ago also helped me to embrace the preciousness of life and being open to new experiences. I, for one, am grateful to them, and to people like Mistress Ultra Violet who forcibly shaved off my ridiculous mustache and had me dye my hair so I would look 10 years younger. To Mistress Ayn for introducing me to some amazing experiences with Mistress Ultra Violet who had previously used and tortured me in a Dynamic Duo session after my car broked down (wink wink), and to Mistress Mesperyian whom I am exclsuive with and who introduced me to CBT, which now I cannot live without, and has assisted and influenced me to lose weight along with all the working out I had already been doing. These Ladies are not only great Dommes, but they are amazing people and I think they have every right to share their stories. IMHO they own them and if I am lucky enough to ever be a part of one of them, identity sufficiently protected, it would be a great honor, but I sure would love to know about it. My next dream or hope would be to be included in a session filming but I recognize Dommes mostly want younger, attractive STUDS for them so we all can visualize ourselves being so lucky to be tortured or maybe even pleasured. Either way, I cannot wait, for in a few short weeks I will get to serve, submit and surrender to Mistress Ayn along with Mistress Mesperyian in what could be an epic Double Domme session. Now that is an honor and maybe worthy of being penned.

Mistress Ayn, I think we all can learn from these experiences and have said many times that I feel Dommes are in many ways therapists allowing us to reveal our true selves. A sub who does not recognize that Dommes become invested in what they do and with whom they see, does not understand what is really going on. Personally, I think you and Mistress Ultra Violet are amazing Women and if I lived in Atlanta, well you know......

I could be wrong about it mainly being the subs. Most of the negative comments I have seen have been at the end of an article (in the comments section) about said books, not things I have seen on forums like this one. When I have seen Dommes complain, it's usually because the author hasn't been in the scene long enough to be taken seriously and they think it's a bit cheeky to write a tell all on something you were basicly a tourist in. I would like to get to the bottom of this though, which was one of the reasons I wanted to start this discussion.



You might be spot on with this. My guess is that subs are afraid they might see what Mistresses really think about them or that their kink will be portrayed in a negative light or in some other way they will be made to feel bad or marginalized. There is some credence to this. In addition to the creepers you refer to, there is the fact that the most interesting stories usually contain something that went awry. Sometimes it's the Domme's foul up, sometimes it's the sub's. As way of an example I will tell this story:

I will shorten this for brevity's sake. I had a sissy session scheduled with a regular sub and he called me prior to the session and informed me that he had managed to get a dildo stuck inside him. He was wondering if I would meet him at the dungeon to "just pop it out". I couldn't come right away but I did agree to meet him early to see what I could do. After about 30 minutes of trying to get the thing out, blood started dripping on the floor and I told him I would try one last thing and if that didn't work he would have to go to the emergency room. I was sweating bullets and he had lost all joviality. This was serious, stressful business and I was starting to take on quite a liability even having him in the dungeon at this point. I started having visions of him bleeding out on the floor . . . maybe a bit dramatic, but you had to be there.

Thankfully my last ditch effort worked and what proceeded to emerge from his ass was a 14 inch pink dildo that was still vibrating. We had a laugh, he recuperated and actually wanted to continue with the session. That part of the story he probably wouldn't mind reading about. What he would not want to read would be where I tell what an unappreciative cheapskate he was. He did not offer to compensate me in any way after the session. I wrote it off to just being shook up and felt sure he would offer something once he was in his "right mind" again. A couple of days a later I got a flippant email saying he was glad everything worked out. WTF? I saved him from the embarrassment of an emergency room visit, god knows how much money if he didn't want his wife to know by opting to pay cash instead of going through insurance, etc, etc. I didn't stick that dildo up his ass. He did that. I fixed it and all I get is a "thanks a lot"? I eventually called him to task on it and we didn't see each other for about a year. In time he made amends and we are fine now - but . . . Dungeon tales don't always portray the sub in the best light and that would be my guess why subs might have an issue with this type of book. BTW, I probably wouldn't include that last part in a story that was supposed to be amusing, but I think it does showcase a sub's reticence about this kind of book being published.

I choose this story to tell because the sub knows I continue to tell it as part of his ongoing penance. He can sue me if he doesn't like reading it here ;-)

Sorry to hear that you've had open heart surgery. Glad that you have developed in ways beneficial to both yourself and your session partners.

"Most of the negative comments I have seen have been at the end of an article (in the comments section) about said books, not things I have seen on forums like this one."

Hmm it might be that the subs who are negative about memoirs are more vocal not that they are more numerous.

I am more than a little surprised that Aspx has not yet shared his thoughts on this topic.

Thomas,

Are you saying that I normally can't shut up? Actually, I came down to Florida to attend the wedding of a former Domme (now retired) who I am good friends with but am having internet problems up the wazoo (I would ask Mistress Ayn to help with that now that she has revealed her skills in dealing with wazoo implement removal but apparently she wants to be compensated for that kind of thing and I am a cheap bastard).

If I can ever get my computer online rather than trying to type on my phone, I will jump into this.

Asp

Thanks but please do not be sorry. As my surgeon said, I could get a new Aorta valve or he could come to my funeral 10 years ago. Well I think you know what I did. I had Critical Aortic Stenosis which zapped my life into a daily living hell and now I can do 20 to 25 miles per week and lift weights. I feel great and love having amazing sessions. Mistress Ayn is a jewel to session with and to know as a fine human being. Take care and happy holiday.

Over the years I have had many funny experiences and so wonderful encounters.
I know they would make a great magazine article or book.

But I am in total agreement with your opening statement that these experiences are personal and should NEVER be made public.

All the best,
wolf

I hoped you demonstrated good taste in your choice of a wedding gift.

For someone who takes such delight in judging you are so SCARED of being judged.

Since when have I ever demonstrated good taste in anything?

Actually though, I have to admit to an inside joke that I don't even know if she will get. I gave her cash in the amount of the tip that I would always give her at the end of a session (she is the only Domme I have ever tipped but that is because she essentially worked out of a house and the session price was ridiculously low, so I literally would match the price as a tip to her).

No, but I would definitely be interested in the Cliff notes versions.



I think it depends upon how well the identity is protected; whether small parts of the story are changed to protect the "innocent"; and what the legitimate expectation of the sub was when they agreed to the session.

There are definitely things that make some subs identifiable to others in the scene, so not changing these details or hinting at who the person as a way to help the reader guess is completely inappropriate unless the sub had told the Domme that it was ok to share stories about them with others if she wanted.



That depends on the answer to the previous question as well as whether the author was a legitimate part of the Pro Domme scene for many years or if they were just models who visited and are just taking advantage of that for their personal gain.



In all honesty, I would love to read that book if you wrote it because I believe you have both the knowledge and integrity to do it in exactly the right way.

Asp

Finally a dissenter. I know there are subs that feel exactly like you do and I respect that, but it is just not clear to me why? Could you elaborate as to why you think dungeon activities should not be retold - even if the identity of the sub is totally obscured? I get the fact that they are your personal experiences, but it there more to it than that?

I agree. If the sub is identifiable to anyone but possibly himself, then it's inappropriate. In My opinion, any story can be significantly changed to make even the sub that was part of it question if it is him that is being discussed. If the purpose of the book is to entertain or educate, no one needs to be compromised.

Unfortunately what sells books is often scandal or tell-alls that at least hint that the players will be identifiable. That is why they are written by Dommes that have left the scene. I think that is wrong and offensive to those of us that are not just "tourists" in the scene.

When you say "what the legitimate expectation of the sub was when they agreed to the session", I think it's safe to say no one expects their session with a Domme to ever be made public. That's one of the reasons I still have an issue with all of this, and that might be what wolf is getting at in his comment.




Thank you, asp. I totally agree with the statement you made about the intentions of the author. One of the best books I've read by a ProDomme was The Art of Sensual Female Dominance by Claudia Varin. It is written as an educational book and she uses anecdotal stories to teach and entertain. It's brilliant. Instead of being a dry text, it's a page turner that has you laughing, turned on and just about every other emotion. I recommend it frequently to the female half of couples that I see. It was written quite some time ago, so I can't attest to how well she obscured identities, but I have never heard anyone speak ill of her or the book. She has written several since, but I haven't read those.

If I am asked to write a review of the session, I expect it to be public fodder since I am doing it. When I ask a Domme for a reference, I expect that our activities are somewhat public. I also have had conversations with Dommes after sessions were over where I told them that it was ok to talk about our session with others if they want.

In all of those cases, I don't actually have that as a legitimate expectation since I have given consent in different ways to discuss session activities with others. Now, you are speaking of a published book to the public at large versus conversations within the BDSM community so I can see the difference. However, I can tell you that as long as it didn't cross my very hard limits about personal information and instead was just about some funny or sexy dungeon story (or even about how Mistress Ayn actually fell for me on a deeply emotional level based on my performance as a sub... which we all know is incredibly likely to happen) then I would have no problems being part of a book like that.

I know when I help to train new Dommes, I always tell them that mentioning how much she enjoyed some aspect of a session on Twitter (or her website) that the sub would recognize as themselves is a great tool for getting repeat business. It is thrilling to be acknowledged like that for most subs and I can imagine it would be even more so in a book.

Ahh, I get the distinction now.



That would need to be in the genre "fantasy" because everyone knows I am a callous bitch that couldn't possibly love anyone except Myself.

Ahhh.. fantasy...

Dear Mistress Ayn, i am interested to read the comments of those who disapprove of memoirs when session info is shared but identities are protected. i think we ALL agree that identities should be protected. Part of the outrage is like so much other anger that we see now - Real discussions cant be undertaken on important subjects such as Race, Immigration and Gender Issues. the implication is disagreement with a certain stance = hatred! i am assuming the commenters are not the actual subs that were referenced in the memoirs, and that they are the unaffected, but outraged victim class that is enabled by anonymously commenting on the internet......(so says the guy that is anonymously commenting on the internet :-) ) i am very interested to read some of these memoirs- can you recommend the best?

ASPx- Back on Twitter? ! Great to see, i will follow you!

Hello sbs. Yes, I would assume the detractors were not actual subjects of the books, but "concerned bystanders" that wouldn't want their details made public. Much like wolf on here, that said dungeon details should never be made public, even if identities are protected. I asked him to elaborate because I find that attitude fascinating and would like to know his reasoning, but has never responded - which doesn't help his side of the argument.

I have only read two. Between the two the second one listed was the best. Neither was stellar.

https://www.amazon.com/Whip-Smart-True-Story-Secret/dp/B00BFQCJRU
https://www.amazon.com/Concertina-Loves-...book+dominatrix

Thank you Mistress Ayn! Much appreciated!!!!!!!