Session chemistry

Sometimes you just don't share chemistry in that first session. I always find these sessions disappointing. Usually I have no clue why the magic didn't happen and all My dissecting and ruminating seldom provides an answer. I take pride in what I do and when there is a misfire, I tend to take it personally. Thankfully it doesn't happen often.

What blows Me away though, is when the sub sends an email telling Me how great the session was and requests another. Were we not in the same room? Sometimes I grant a second audience and sometimes I don't. If I do agree to meet again, I always have a chat with the sub and try to get to the bottom of the issue. More often than not, I find out that they are just very stoic in session and are internalizing everything. They are having a great time, but are not providing Me with any signs.

I need that feedback. I want to hear you moan, suck in your breath, see your erection. It's what feeds Me.

As subs, do you feel you give proper feedback to your Mistress in session? To other Dommes: do you need this as much as I do?

In another thread I admitted to being a quiet sub. I try to be as stoic as possible but eventually the intensity breaks through my stoicism. I never saw that as denying the domme satisfaction. On occasion I have played the game from the Top with a few very masochistic women and love it when they start off very stoic (in some cases defiant) but sing a different tune before it's over.

I tend to be very stoic. I am comfortable talking about how I am doing when asked, but I am usually very quiet. However, my eyes will likely tell the story. I am very visual and very big on eye contact. If a Domme does not want to make eye contact with me, I can see how I could be hard to read absent some dialog.

First time sessions can be hard for everyone involved.

To both you and the thomas:

It's okay to be quiet. There are a lot of ways to communicate how you feel. I love looking into a subs eyes and seeing the longing, the fear, the excitement. I consider Myself a good read of people - their body language, actions, etc. - but occasionally I just can't see anything. It a blankness which I read as a failure to connect.

And I agree, sometimes first time sessions can be difficult, but sometimes they are pure magic. That's the dragon I love to chase.

Mistress since my sessions are more of the role play variety acting is involved at least for me. Before a session I try to get myself in a mindset that the Mistress has hired me for Her pleasure and I act accordingly. That's how I have engaged in activities in session, in the moment, over the years that I would have shied away from if discussing it with the Mistress before the session. I'm always verbal in session. The practice of emailing an outline helps tremendously. One Mistress, now retired, a dancer, teacher and Vegas showgirl by trade is assertive in real life. But she used to discuss with me outside of session Her "alter ego" in session. I knew exactly what she meant. I guess I have one too. And it is verbal.

I personally need chemistry in sessions. Like if I'm not getting any kind of interaction or a sign, it makes Me want to end the appointment because it's actually a painful situation. Let's be honest, We feed off the energy & the power exchange & when we don't get it, it's like what the fuck. Like the plant in little shop of horrors..... FEED MEEEEEEEEE

With out chemistry there is nothing

As a sub, I often don't give proper feedback because I don't want to be perceived as topping from the bottom. But how would I know you want to see me moan, to hear me suck in my breath, and to see my erection? I'm reading about it for the very first time from your query above. I am not a mind reader. In fairness, despite your superb ability to read people, you are not a mind reader either. That's because no one is a mind reader. And what about the subs you thought had a magical time, but didn't? How would you know? They never come back. All of this is a failure of verbal and nonverbal communication. If you want the truth, then you have to ask. I do not underestimate how difficult this is to do.

I love to watch subs squirm.

That anticipation, that flinch, that look of craving in their eyes... those are beautiful things.

I require a meeting just before the first session to make sure we connect on some level. I have had a couple of sessions where I didn't get feedback and they do tend to take the passion out of it. I don't mean words but some kind of response. It is about an exchange between two people. It feeds the energy so if in doubt about how much to express to the Domme.

Mistress Lynn

Do you consider moaning, inhaling or having an erection "topping from the bottom"?

I think you can see from other Mistresses' comments here that we all want some kind of feedback. Playing with a limp non-responsive sub is the equivalent of playing with a sex doll. I wouldn't enjoy that - not for long anyway.

All subs process session activities in their own way. Some like to slip away - maybe close their eyes - and internalize. I get that, but My point is, if you don't give some sort of response (verbal or non-verbal) we have nothing to feed us or direct us other than a list of your preferred activities or other information you gave us prior to the session.



Usually when I think there was magic, there is feedback from the sub either during or after the session that confirms this. Again, magic happens when a sub is responsive. Subs often comment on the time they had prior to exiting the dungeon, but I also ask for an email follow up a couple of days later after they have had time to process everything. Most subs comply and this is when I get useful and articulate feedback that helps Me know how to direct future sessions and start working My way into a subs head.

Well said, Sister.

Hello Mistress Lynn and welcome to this forum. It's good to see you here.

I think it is admirable that you meet and communicate prior to an actual session. Sometimes this has worked for me and sometimes it hasn't. Occasionally a perfectly communicative and expressive sub can walk into the dungeon and just go blank. I will say that having that prior connection allows me to know that they are probably enjoying themselves, where if we did not have that connection you would have no idea what was going in in their heads.

Thankfully this doesn't happen often.

I always worry that I am not giving feedback, as I tend to be very quiet, during a session. I do moan and squirm and, well no hiding that erection. I do usually talk after the session about the session, and usually will send an email a few days later after I have had a chance to process everything. I do agree that it is about chemistry, and communication, both verbal and non-verbal. I can actually point to a moment in a session from where it went from a "Good" session, to where it went to a "HOLY FUCK!" (in a good way lol) session. And it turned on a chance look at the Domme and the look of pleasure/lust and control in Her eyes was what did it.

I think this is a great question.

Sometimes it comes down to how a sub naturally processes and reacts to what is happening and I can understand why someone who naturally doesn't, would feel like they are being fake or acting if they make noises or reacted outwardly. It is a weird thing but I have spoken with other male subs who are the same way as me in that engaging my brain actually drives me much further away from subspace than towards it, so actively trying to give feedback would be a problem for me. What you refer to as being stoic might be me sinking into the experience. In addition, I try to be as disciplined as possible during a session so I am going to stand firm for the next corporal strike rather than flinch or avoid it and am not going to scream/act out like what I see in some online clip in regards to the pain you are inflicting.

However, I also happen to be very lucky because I naturally give off a ton of feedback to the Domme in the ways you specifically mention and my own unique way. As I get close and reach subspace my entire body actually starts to shake and Dommes I play with see this build from light quaking to violent spasms over the time we are playing (90% of the time I have no idea this is happening and have to warn Dommes about it prior to playing with them the first time because they think I might be having a seizure rather than being in the throes of pleasure). I also tend to whimper or let out hard breaths when I really feel things. If not blindfolded, my eyes literally give everything away and all it takes is a Domme to look at them and understand where I am at (besides the obvious indicator that is between my legs).

However, I have to point out that these feedback items are not things that I do in any active way, it is just my natural reaction to the session. In any case, I do feel that cycle of feedback and pleasure from every Domme I have ever played with so I know my natural and very visible reacts drive their enjoyment while playing with me, which in turn drives me even more. I would be surprised if you will find many Dommes who don't love this kind of active feedback while playing.

Where I do fail is that if I am deep in subspace or even just the sub mindset, there is literally nothing you can do to me to make me orgasm and I can only achieve it on my own about 25% of the time (this may not be part of what you do or allow during a session but it has been highly disappointing to Dommes who want to give me that as a reward). Unfortunately, for me, that process resides in the Dom side of my brain and I just can't access it when I am deeply submissive. Maybe a little TMI, but I think it is relevant to a feedback question.

Asp

Thanks for this post asp. you totally get it. Just because a sub is stoic doesn't mean he isn't giving feedback. Most subs give tons of feedback without saying a word.

I think some here misunderstood My OP and think I am asking for a running diatribe from the sub. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact when a sub won't shut up, I think he is lessening his and My experience. It's sort of like a comedian dealing with a well meaning heckler. It just takes you out of the zone. It's the moans, sighs, tremors, breathing changes, flinches, eye contact, etc. that makes the difference.

That being said, I occasionally get a sub that is so stoic that I really can't get a read. None of the above signs are there. It's like nobody is home. The eyes are blank. Nothing. There is nothing there to feed Me. It's just doubly confusing when they later send an email telling Me what an awesome session it was.

you tend to sink into your own mind, and that's fine. Everyone processes things in their own way. Trust Me, you give enough cues and clues to know that you are having a good time.

Shared looks are magical sometimes, aren't they?

Mistress Ayn,

Well, I am guessing heckling during a session (well meaning or not) is gonna end up being REALLY painful.

From my experience you are very much in the majority of Dommes when it comes to the amount and types of feedback you want and many of my best experiences are when there is literally no talking between myself and the Domme but tons of non-verbal communication from both parties. But, I have also been with Dommes who literally don't stop talking and want you to fully engage on a verbal level (counting strokes, answering questions, saying "Thank you Mistress", etc...) and that may be why people are misunderstanding your post.

I would also say that sometimes "training" can also get in the way because if your first experiences were with a Domme, or different Dommes, who wanted you to overly communicate from a verbal standpoint or on the opposite side to have that complete discipline and stoicism (I have been told to control my shaking by Dommes within a session, which I can do if I focus on it but then that becomes my sole focus instead of the connection between myself and the Domme) then that is the way you act going forward... or at least until you are "re-trained" by a new Domme to how they prefer an interaction to be.

With all things in this I think we will both agree that communication is the key. So, if someone is not giving you what you need in a first session but they say it is awesome, then I think that is a good opportunity for letting them know what you need from them at the beginning of the next one. I also think it would be really interesting to find out if their lack of non-verbal communication is just their natural state that no one has "corrected" (I know I have matured in certain ways in that manner over the years) or if they were trained into it by some other past Domme(s), but that is just me.

Thanks for your reply and for bringing it up in the first place. I find these types of topics about the inner workings of the other side of the kneel to be really interesting and informative.

Asp