Thoughts?

If you are married...is seeing a domme cheating if you don't tell your spouse? Would like to hear opinions from dommes and subs on this?

As tough as it is to acknowledge, it's a form of cheating if you do not tell them.

Concur

100%

Think this statement I found on the web pretty much sums it up:



Seeing/playing with a Domme, lifestyle or pro, without your partner's consent absolutely falls into this definition.

Sorry, but this definition is not really helpful.

According to it, screaming emotionally at another person would usually be considered cheating.

Let's initially leave the "cheating" on the side and focus on the "don't tell..."
A good friend once said that if her husband were cheating on her, she definitely would not want him to tell her. Because as soon as he did so, it would become her responsibility. Whereas him, he could then say "my wife knows it".

Interestingly with your statement "... if you don't tell your spouse" you exactly emphasize this.
You imply that it is (or at least might be) cheating, but as soon as you tell your spouse it is not cheating anymore.

Huh?

I realize we are arguing semantics here but in what way would screaming emotionally at another person translate into either "being emotionally unfaithful to your partner" or "Being emotionally intimate"?

I couldn't care less that you decided to nitpick a definition I pulled from a website, but your response is just bizarre to me.

I agree that "telling" on yourself, meaning after it happens, is an incredibly selfish act and actually worse than the cheating itself in a lot of ways... but it is/was still absolutely cheating whether you tell or not.

Talking about it and getting agreement/permission beforehand or having a conversation after you get caught (whether she found out or you told her) and getting that agreement/permission, on the other hand, is what takes it out of the realm of cheating.

I agree, it is semantics, but that's what definitions are. Intimate has different meanings, including "closely acquainted; familiar..." And to me it really makes the definition overly broad and not helpful.

But I see, you have a clear opinion that it is cheating. I don't think it is that clear-cut.
For me personally the biggest concerns are: a) I could catch a disease and somehow pass it on to my spouse. b) I am spending my money, but I could put it into a pension fund instead, so I funnel funds away.

What I mean is that "cheating or not" is much more a question of the individual circumstances than a random definition pulled from the web. My criteria in the end are whether I do harm to the relationship with my spouse. I understand that this is not synonym to cheating, but a more helpful question than getting a black-or-white yes or no to the question of whether it cheating.

Who cares what it is called. It is withholding information that your spouse wouldn't like. However, it is definitely better than burdening your wife with needs she wouldn't understand. To do it again, I wouldn't marry a woman I couldn't be completely open with.

Sentence 1: Check
Sentence 2: Check
Sentence 3: Check
Sentence 4:
I am not that sure about this one. Being open can hurt. But you formulated it smartly "...couldn't be completely open...". You don't say that your intention is to be completely open. (About "to do it again": I have the best spouse! I don't want to do it again)

Yes.

You are correct that I don't think there is much doubt about whether the activity is "cheating" on a spouse if you are doing it without their knowledge and consent (since, in most cases, you don't bring it up because you innately understand they wouldn't consent to that and would consider it cheating).

However, I am not making a value judgement about whether the activity is wrong or not as circumstances absolutely play into that. There are many cases that this "outside" activity is truly helpful to the relationship between a man and his spouse. By removing that need/pressure, especially when the spouse is totally against those activities, you allow both parties to be happier.

But, that doesn't mean it still isn't "cheating" by pretty much everyone's definition outside of yourself.

Yeah, I see where that could be confusing. My lovely wife passed away over ten years ago. I'm now engaged to another woman. In the first few years of our courtship, I kept my passion for visiting professionals from her. She nearly caught me. I came clean with her. She kept me. It is so much easier to breath without the fear of getting caught. Looking back, I wouldn't repeat the double life.

I think you're trying to split hairs. I don't think people would read the SlaveGunner's question and assume he was saying that if you're cheating and then tell your spouse it's magically no longer cheating.

This is a very egocentric view.

Some guys haven't even given their partner a chance to understand, but they are certain she would not. What I think is often the case is that the guy lacks the courage to discuss it with her.

Gentlemen, you owe it not only to your partner but yourself to be honest about your needs. You will both be much happier.



This is great, but you can be open with her now.

Fair statement - I can agree.

And congratulation to your 1000st post here!

Everyone owes it to themselves and cherished partners to conduct their relationships in the best way they see fit for their unique situation.

That is amazingly well put.

It seems we have a fundamental difference of opinion on what it means to "cherish" someone.

Yes, Beautiful Lady, we most certainly do. It doesn't make either one right or wrong in the way we approach deeply personal relationships.

Ms Tissa
My impression is that you feel a wife/partner deserves to at least hear the truth....and let the cards fall where they may. Hopefully in a direction that benefits both partners.

The concern is that once the cat is out of the bag, there's no getting it back in there if the honesty doesn't go well.

If Im honest with my wife and mention she's put on a couple of pounds....it's probably not going to go over well, so I often choose to say nothing.

I suspect that most guys have given there partner an inkling of their desires, which may not have been met with a positive result....so they reeled it back in with a laugh, before it blew up.

So my question is...what do you do if the honesty blows up?

Your thoughts are of particular interest, not just because you're a professional, but you are also a woman who speaks her truth.
I don't think your thoughts are the same as most women. I have seven sisters and they don't think like you. I wish they did.

It would be interesting to hear from a woman whose husband was honest with her about his kinky desires. How did she feel about it?



The question of cheating has many tentacles. To each his own.
Best Regards
The Driver

That’s it exactly. I know my wife. I could write a short story on this but I will just say we’ve had a happy marriage that’s resulted in some amazing kids and family and it is not now nor was it in the past worth jeopardising this by confessing my kink.

Thanks for the compliment(?) but it sounds patronizing in this context.

Of course I believe that the person who has extended a great deal of trust to you and agreed to build a relationship together with you deserves to know the truth about things which affect her and that relationship. It's axiomatic.



Why are people entering into partnerships in which they have to keep the cat in the bag? I personally would never do that. Why would I ever want to knowingly and willingly attempt to share a life with someone who I don't think would accept me? It's fundamentally illogical.



My goodness. A woman gaining a couple of pounds is not analogous to you cheating on her.



I have counseled men about this issue. I've offered suggestions about how to approach their partner. I applaud these men for wanting to do the right thing. When we're coming up with a plan I tell them to be prepared that she may not react well. This is because when we as humans are faced with a surprise or something we don't understand we tend to instinctively react with fear. But that it's important to know that her, or anyone's, initial reaction is not necessarily an indicator of how those feelings will progress and resolve. It does not mean she won't come to accept it. It does not mean she won't end up wanting to explore kink with you.

In fact, one of my current clients told me that when he told his partner about his kinky interests she was initially very negative and judgmental. But, after speaking with her more about it, she softened and ended up wanting to try it out with him. Now, she is actually really into it and it's contributed to the deepening of their bond.



You talk about it, like adults. If needed, you get counseling. If you both are committed to making the relationship work you will find the solution. However, if it's built on an illusion then may learn that you don't actually have a real connection to begin with.



Yes, I'm a professional but first and foremost I'm an actual Dominant woman, and my participation in this and other forums is driven by this. I don't think some of you men realize how you undermine your lives. (Women do this, too, of course.) I have read countless posts and had many conversations with men who say how much they would love to be with a Dominant woman, like me, yet openly express attitudes and opinions which repel women like me.



You don't need to worry about "most women". You just need to worry about the one you're with.



Was she kinky? Because, gentlemen, if you're kinky and being able to explore and express that is important to you, then you should be looking for a kinky partner. I can't imagine trying to form a relationship with a person who wasn't kinky. It feels like a failure before it even begins!

Ms Tissa
Your opinions are well reasoned and provocative. Most of what you say makes perfect sense.....if we lived in a perfect world.

When I negotiated labor contracts, I learned that if one person tells you you're dead...don't worry, but if ten people tell you, you should lay down.
The lack of responses to your post tell me I probably ought to go take a nap.
Best Regards
The Driver

No, we don't, but sometimes people choose to create their own imperfect world.



Enjoy your nap. It's a great place to escape.

I have played for over 15 years and now am in a very committed loving relationship...she knows I am kinky but doesn't have a masochistic bone in her body...I am at a loss with what to do...I am very faithful

I'm not sure what you're asking for.

Do I shut down my sessions forever or do I schedule one with you I have never been in this situation where I am dating exclusively and wanted to get rid of the itch...

I'm taking my pro hat off here. As a pro, what people are doing in their personal lives in none of my business, unless it jeopardizes the safety of me and my clients.

As a lifestyle Domme, my answer is that if you are in a relationship that your partner understands to be monogamous then you need to speak with her about this before you go any further with sessions. Whether you're scheduling one with me or not makes no difference.