Aftercare

After all these years I recently decided to add the following question to My session request questionnaire: "Is aftercare important to you? If so, how much of the session time do you need devoted to aftercare?" I have been really surprised that almost everyone answers "no".

I've always taken a few minutes post session to let the sub come back to earth, chat a bit if they want - at a bare minimum. Sometimes it's obvious that the person isn't even able to drive, and a good bit of time is required to get them back into a headspace that lets them deal with the outside world.

So what are your thoughts on aftercare? Need it? Don't need it?

Really interesting question. I’d probably answer “no” on a survey but in reality it depends on the session. Probably 70% of the time I’m fine, but there’s the other 30% where I find my self in a super deep head space and really need/appreciate 10 minutes or so to come back to earth. It’s just hard for me personally to know when I’ll need it in advance since most times I don’t need it.

Those few minutes to come back to earth and chat, often while getting dressed, I've always found really important. I guess they are sort of aftercare, but I don't really view them as such. I would not want to end a session with a domme just leaving the room and slamming the door shut.

I've done some intense, multi-day online/phone/text scenes that have involved findom and heavier psychological play than I'd ever experience in an RT session. The woman I do this with, who can play hard, always makes sure to leave a lot of time for aftercare, and also makes clear I can reach out to process things any time, and I appreciate that.

Mistress Ayn, that's an interesting and important question and my compliments to you for adding it to your session request form.

Since the question is phrased, "how much of your session time should be devoted to aftercare" I am not surprised that 70% said it is not important. Guys will be very reluctant to voluntarily give up session time with you for any purpose, even one as well intentioned as this. Time with you is just too powerful and rewarding. We often think with the small head, even if it means we leave a session trying to remember our name!

I dont know if aftercare is the right word for me. But i enjoy talking after a session. It could be about the session, or just how things are going, etc. Id gladly give up some session time for this. Sometimes its 20minutes and others i pay to go out to dinner or a date etc. I get the impression I’m a little out of the ordinary in that regard but it works for me.

I have a very difficult just walking out the door.

Maybe not that out of the ordinary. I am like that.

No and yes. No I don't think it's necessary on a first time questionnaire, I would not play heavy enough to need it. Now if I came back and played heavy then yes we will have discussed my operators manual.

Although since I would be wandering around mumbling incoherently and bleeding, what I need is really more aftersupervison and first aid. LMAO

Mistress Ayn,

For me, it really depends on the nature of the session. If the play is lighter and more casual, a few minutes chatting seems to do the trick.

In the case of really sadistic, emotionally-deep sessions, the need for prolonged aftercare goes up substantially.

Intense whipping & judicial-style corporal scenes can leave me in a trance...and the need to come back down to earth slowly is a premium.

My fondest memory was about 20 years ago: after a rather intense session, the Domme took me in Her arms and gently laid me down, in an image reminiscent of the Pieta, and gently nurtured me back to the vanilla world.

Aftercare is vital.

Mistress Ann, I've always wondered if rubbing salt in my slave's post session wounds, counts as aftercare?

In my experience, aftercare has been all about the level of intensity and the nature of the encounter. There have been times where aftercare, being sharing time and nurturing, has been vital. Other times, people are refreshed and ready to get back to vanilla life. I'm always happy to provide aftercare. As a switch, I've seen that it can make a difference when needed.

Absolutely. And many times you have a clue ahead of time what the bottom will need given the planned play. But sometimes I am blindsided by how deep people can go with what I consider very moderate play. I almost hate to say it, but I find giving prolonged aftercare to be tedious. In group lifestyle play I hand my used up bottoms to someone else to nurture. It's a buzz kill for me when I am amped up and just want to keep playing. But sessions of course a different.

So true, jack. It's just a bit irritating to end a session with enough time for an unrushed goodbye and realize the guy is unable to drive. Or you can't get him out of the shower because he is in a stupor in there. Sometimes I think the guys are blindsided by it, which I understand but other times, they admit that it's normal for them. "Hey, buddy, I have a dinner reservation. I wish you had let Me know." Because I am not going to put someone behind the wheel or on the corner waiting on an Uber like that.

And personally this is just as apt to happen with sensory deprivation as it is maso activities. With the masos I can see them going to that special place. With sensory dep, you don't know until the hood comes off.

We've brought a couple around with a spray of alcohol haven't we Girlfriend?

Aftercare is nice but not essential with me and tbh i would answer no to your question if it was coming out of the session time. It has been normal in my experience to talk some with the Domme after the session while I am getting dressed. Even though I enjoy that I don’t want to be the guy who won’t leave until told to get moving.

I used to ask this quest on my web form but took it off because I tended to get two kind of responses:

1. I don't need any.
2. I want to cuddle and kiss afterward.

I decided that I would instead ask when I spoke to them, which allowed me to clarify what I could or could not provide in real time.



I always provide basic "aftercare". Sit and come back to reality, chat a bit, hydrate, assess if I think they are OK to leave and drive.

I think I'm old school in that I like when the sub send an email of thanks afterward. That's my aftercare.

+1

Reading this thread I had aftercare as a session. Let me explain. I saw a famous Amazonian Mistress whose name I won't mention, around a decade ago when she'd travel to NYC once a year. I probably saw her four times and she was/is professional, courteous, gorgeous and loves what she does. Since she would visit here annually I'd make an appointment as soon as she would post a trip, usually a month in advance. For this session I emailed that I'd like to finally experience my first strapon session.

When the day of the session arrived, on a weekend, I was experiencing a career and personal crisis. I should have cancelled the session, but didn't have the nerve to disappoint her. I went to her hotel, we met in the lobby and she took me to her suite, where told me to change into my attire in the sitting room while she would change in the bedroom. As I got ready I got more and more depressed about my real life... I got cold feet. Not so much about the strapon activity, but my emotions.

The Mistress came in and saw my distress. I told her I couldn't do it and offered my tribute. She told me, "Don't go. I'll change and be right back." She came back in wearing a long robe, began lying down on a daybed in the sitting room and told me to sit next to her on the floor. She asked me what was wrong and I told her everything. She gave me good advice. Tears came to my eyes. She sat down to me, put her arm around me and held me, rocking me back and forth, comforting me.

When the hour was up I freshened up, got dressed and was about to go. At the door she gave me a big smile and hug, told me everything was going to be fine, and to text or email her in the next day or to check in. I left there feeling incredibly better with a new outlook on the issues I was facing. I'll never forget it or thank her enough.

Another lady I met through BDSM and roleplay (She really wasn't a Mistress) once said to me, "You have no idea the kind of shit I've heard over the years from clients that I HAVE to deal with afterwards." Yes... an email of thanks afterwards to the Mistress. That's without question.

That's lovely, jb. I would say that's not "aftercare" as much as it's just care!

I think so, too, but half the time I don't get one.

I think that when someone sees it as purely "transactional", devoid of the cultural elements of FemDom, whether due to apathy or ignorance, I'm less likely to receive a message.

I try to tell young or non-scene folx that it's good etiquette, even if you've offered your gratitude in person. Some of us, especially old school types, like little formalities like that.

How much aftercare you need after a session depends on its content. However for me talking after it, whether you consider this aftercare or not is essential. I consider it as part of the connection, and it is as important to me as the session content.

I do consider the talking post session to be a sort aftercare and I think most subs need that as a minimum. For Me, that's a given and I always provide it. But . . . there are people that need more than that, regardless of the composition of the session. It's good to know that up front if a sub thinks he needs that.

It is a good question, but probably somebody who has not sessioned with you before and how intense the session is does not know. But probably you do, not before the session but by the end of it. Probably erring on the side of safety is best, and the fact that you think about it shows that you care.

I would say aftercare to me for the first session is a nice thing and should be there but I don't expect much: A basic conversation and letting me sit for a bit in subspace, say.

But if the session isn't a one off but a regular thing, aftercare becomes more important to me because then it's part of the open communication in the relationship. My owner Lady Harleen is very empathetic in her aftercare and I really appreciate it.

i was absolutely shocked by this. having only seen You professionally, i thought Your aftercare was incredible. You do it so well and it seems effortless and natural to You. i suppose that is just an indication of how professional You are. of course, now that You have revealed that You prefer to use up bottoms and toss them away, i don't think that aftercare sounds good anymore. in fact, i think that i'd like to be used up and tossed away, it just sounds so good when You talk about it...

Hahaha. Well then, no after care for you!

I think My after care is pretty on spot too. Thanks for noticing ;-)

I would probably say no. Although I do agree if you have a mind blowing session it’s probably good to have. Then again everyone is different.

I enjoy taking Goddess to lunch or dinner afterwards when that is available. It is nice to talk about the session and slowly come back to earth.

Back in the day (1999-2006), Mistress Zara and I used to do that. It was wonderful.

Originally I said no. My new Domme that I’m seeing makes me stay for aftercare.