Ghosted

So, had an interesting experience. Had been texting with a Domme on SextPanther. She’s been around for a long time, very established. She lives on West Coast. I live in FL. She says she’s coming to FL for an event. I book a session. Give $100 deposit. 48 hours before she emails that she is looking forward to the session, asks me to email back and email again day of session and provide a phone #. I do all that. Crickets. Never hear back. Day of I’m getting suspicious but I drive up to the city she claims she booked a dungeon in, I have no specific address. Never hear from her, no response to multiple emails. She’s posting on Twitter and OF how much fun she’s having in FL, so I know it’s not like an emergency.

It’s so strange to me, like why go through all that trouble for $100. Plus if she just emailed and said I screwed up my calendar, the dungeon cancelled, whatever, I would have said no worries. If it was some fly by night, I’d be less surprised but this is a well established Domme

I’m debating sending one more email just saying how disappointed I am that she would take a deposit and ghost with no explanation. But I think I’ll just walk away from it. The desire to flame throw is strong, but I think foolish. The cynic in me wonders if she asked for my # in her last email just so she’d be able to identify me.

Anyway, mostly venting. Though I think it will be a long time before I see anyone new after this. On a random side note, since I had already driven up I googled strip clubs near me and wandered into the strangest club I have ever been in. So, I guess for my $100 I got an entertaining strange hour in a strip club and an amusing story.

I would send a respectful email asking for your deposit back. No emotion, and don't bother asking why, although she may give you a reason to satisfy your curiosity.

+1

Agreed. This is a reasonable initial response to the situation. You can pull out the bigger guns later if necessary.

No professional will risk reputational damage for only $100.

You've got it entirely backwards. It's the late cancelations and no shows on the part of guys who schedule and don't show up that created the need to deposits. Those outnumber ghosting Dommes many, many times over.

That especially true for Dommes who travel, pay for transportation, hotels, then get cancelations and no shows.

Taking your post at face value;

"Just walk away", what is wrong with you? You entered a business transaction, she did not deliver. Send her a business professional email requesting an explanation or refund. Give it a week or so and if she doesn't rectify the situation THEN post here. No whining, crying, flaming, emotional outbursts, doxxing, simply name the individual that stole your money.

I've had more than my share of problems with the "pros", I've even had to walk away from my deposit. But never had one steal from me, if I had it would certainly be made known as a courtesy to anyone else considering said provider.

Go to the police when all you know is a fictitious scene name and an anonymous email address? And she's not local. For $100?

That will get you nowhere except to inform law enforcement that you are one of those kinky BDSM freaks. They'll laugh you out of the station.

But if humiliation is your kink that would make a good scene.

With you leading the charge to enact this sea change in the industry I'm sure it will succeed.

Joking.

After you get that done, why don't you lead the effort to get a substantial reduction in session rates. That has an equal chance of success.

Maybe if clients don't want to pay a deposit they should learn how to establish their own positive reputation and/or how to present their self as legitimate.

Of the last dozen or so Dommes I've played with, I've been asked for a deposit by two.

Did the ones you did not have give a deposit to ask for references?

I've avoided deposits several times that way.

This sounds like a bad deal i hope you get your deposit back. Since she is an established pro i’m wondering if its just an oversight and some communication clears this up. But if not, i see nothing wrong with pushing a little more for it. Maybe a review etc.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. You never know what is going on in their life.

That said, if you give a Domme (or a client) AMPLE opportunity to respond (more than a month, at least) and rectify something like this and they don't it does not seem unreasonable to disclose your experience publicly. Whether a Domme or a client.

If either the Domme or the client doesn't like it, then do a better job.

Of course, there's always the possibility someone is lying. So we hope that everyone is being a grown-up here and telling the truth. Some of us have had Dommes or clients make up shit about us and people may believe it.

So, if you decide to disclose an experience like this, use a lot of discretion.

Yes. This is why more and more people in the adult industry require deposits. It's just not sustainable to open yourself up to what will inevitably be several losses (I'm talking tangible financial loss) because there will always be a percentage of guys who have no qualms just not showing up for their appointments that we have prepared 2 to 8 hours for.

It is in some jurisdictions. New Jersey is one of them.

Some of you gentlemen set yourselves up to be scammed because you're not smart enough to vet the women you approach.

Of course this does not mean you deserve to be taken advantage of but you certainly could drastically reduce, if not eliminate, it happening if you didn't try to conduct business when you're suffering from Boner High.

You are always free to refuse to pay deposits. Just know that it will mean there is a whole swath of top-notch Dommes that you will never be able to experience.

That has to be a frustrating and infuriating experience sitting in your space as the appointment time comes and goes with no call or sign of the client. I can see why deposits are required. At least you’ve got something for the time invested in traveling to the space and preparing.

Something no one else has mentioned...

Have you both only been connecting through email? Recently (especially with Protonmail) emails have been randomly going to spam even after some previous successful correspondence (especially if you havn't saved each other as a contact). There's a possibility your emails are going to spam (or vise versa) and one of you aren't realizing. Have you tried contacting her on SP again?

Good one!

I 100% agree with those that say you should ask for your money back. Don't let this go. Besides, it's more about your time and emotions (looking forward to the session and then let down by being ghosted). This behavior is not the norm among established Dommes, I assure you. And it doesn't matter what the reason is. She should refund your deposit and offer an apology - and a spiff. Free fan site access - something. That is what a professional would do in a circumstance like this.

Very true. I never asked for deposits up until about 3-4 years ago. Then the industry changed and ghosting by clients became common place. And I learned you can't just ask for $50 - they will walk away from that. They walk away for $200 sometimes but at least I got something for the effort and blocked time.

Right now I have a guy wanting a double Domme session with 3-4 vanillas and he won't put up a deposit ("for privacy reasons") and he doesn't have references ("he's been out of the see for too long"). He may be perfectly legit but I am not going to block Dungeon time, my time, another Domme's time and line up multiple friends to watch on his word.

Thanks to all for your thoughts/suggestions. I did send an email today requesting a refund. If I don’t get a response in a week or so, I’ll try a text on SP.

Great attitude to take Mistress......probably why you are successful long term.

100% agree with Mistress Ayn.

In my 7.5 years as a pro I've never had a no-show. I think it's because I weed out the types who do that sort of thing, and as a result I have a fantastic group of clients.



Absolutely. Unless you have no wardrobe, no equipment, no business expenses, and are holding improv-style sessions out of your bedroom, you have costs, both material and labor, in this line of work. Deposits offer some economic and emotional protection.

There are many other professions that require deposits. People who act offended by them are just upset because they won't be able to ghost you without repercussion. It's a great way to vet your clients.

Agreed.

I have a life long habit of showing up for appointments,meetings, etc I ask for.

I never felt like deposits were a big deal.

Mistress Tisza Sorry I meant to reply to this and forgot.

Tbh I’d prefer deposits weren’t necessary but I can definitely see why they are. There is a definite mental commitment on the part of the sub once he puts that deposit down which I actually like because then I know it’s on and there’s an anticipation and excitement that builds. My problem is I am very paranoid about leaving a paper trail with things like Venmo Zelle Cash App etc. But I have been lucky and found Dommes who will work with me and take Amazon gift cards which can be purchased at supermarkets etc and I send them the code and have had no problems.

I don't think most people would say they prefer deposits.



There's other ways to work around concerns like yours. You can look for Domme who also allow you to mail payments.

I don't accept gift cards as payment for my work because I can't pay my mortgage with a gift card.

One more thing to consider. Are you sure it was that established mistress you send the deposit to rather than a scam artist? Can you contact her through a different channel to check out the story?