Femdom - Newbie

Hi everyone, I have fantasized about visiting a dominatrix for a while. I am planning to contact some doms in my area. First thing I want to understand is should I use an alias or my real name? I don't want to use an alias and find out later that I need an id/verification. Please share your experiences.

I've been around the block a few times. Never have I been asked for ID. If I was, it would be a red flag. You are probably okay to use an alias.

Ive never been asked for ID so i think you are fine with an alias

With that being said i use my real name, personal phone number and email address. Im not sure that most would agree but i dont have a concern about being outed. honestly ive kind of outed myself at this point. I also like to be called by my real name in session.

I think whatever you are comfortable with should be fine. Have fun!

A new email should do it. However your last instructions will involve phone. Use text not voice, otherwise caller id would display your name anyway.

Some of these replies are wild. What kind of shady people do you all see?

Are you seeing an established Domme with a large social media presence that is verified on websites and screams legitimacy? Then what are you worried about? If you trust her with your body, you can trust her with your name.

Most Dommes (in New York at least) will ask for ID or two references. Nothing red flag about it. We get hundreds of IDs/phone numbers/etc, you're not special. You're seeing a Dominatrix-- not trying to steal the declaration of independence.

Clients don't realize but screening protects BOTH parties. How can you go to the location of a Domme who doesn't screen well and trust that it wont be dangerous / stalked by crazies, LE, etc? Screening helps prevent that. It also allows the Domme to feel safer which will likely result in a better time for both parties.

^ This! I have always used my name and cell number. I session with established Independent Dommes with good reputations (why would you session with anyone else) and I have never had an issue in 40 years of play

If you don't trust a Domme enough to not go through your stuff while you shower then you shouldn't be seeing them! LMAO

Same goes with showing an ID or real name, honestly. I know subs have privacy concerns... but if you do your research and read reviews you should be able to find real professionals that you won't have to concern yourself with whatever you think the consequences of sharing that info might be.

I don't care too much about having someones real name as long as they use the same name, email, and phone number consistently. I've only asked for ID before a session started in the rare occasion that the sub looked pretty young and I wanted to verify they weren't lying about being over 18.

Best advice when finding a Domme you can trust as a newbie is to make sure they have a website, lots of reviews, social media, and some sort of proof they've been around a while!

+1!!!!!

While I use an anonymous email when scheduling a session, if we proceed to an actual session (which happens 100% of the time for me) and there's a phone call or text to make the final arrangements, I have no issue with using the cell phone in my real name.

If I can't trust them with my safety in a session (which I do), why would I not trust them with a phone number?

This is such an ignorant argument. WE ARE VERIFIED. I show my ID and verification to Tryst, Eros, Fetlife (yes, even fetlife), Mistress Review, Niteflirt, every fucking clip site there is, etc etc.

Not to mention if we're not safe the word spreads like butter on hot toast and we'd be out of work in no time. This work is very expensive to maintain (ads, website, equipment, training, space).

Trust is a two way street. I am willing to trust a domme to the same degree she is willing to trust me. It is also personal. I am never concerned that a domme will go through my purse.

But can a reputable domme be indiscrete? Unfortunately I think she can.

Trust is NOT a two-way street in this sense. Trust is earned.

I've earned a certain amount of trust through years of good reputation. Year of verifying myself, years of good reviews, years of maintaining a safe space, website, and rapport in the kink community.

If any John Doe thinks I should give him the same amount of trust back when he can't show shit on his end, haaaaa. No. That would just be absolutely naive and reckless on my part.

You earn our trust through our protocol. A random person should not be as "trusted" (from the get-go) as a verified, reputable provider.

As a matter of fact it is completely equivalent. I want to be incognito and so do you. This is the trust we are talking about. If we feel we can get to the real ID it is because we trust each other. I would never give my real name to somebody who does not give me hers.

Reputation has a weak correlation here. It might be based on skill, looks or social connections. There are people very high on the reputation scale, actors, well known athletes, politicians, CEOs who abuse their position and reputation.

So this is a case of apples and oranges.

Respectfully, Mistress, I wouldn't feel comfortable handing over my personal identification. I've become close with several Dommes over the years, even to the point of going on vacation together. Trust had been earned in both directions by that point. But right from the start with someone I know only from the internet? It is a hard limit for me. I fully respect if not having a new client's information is a hard limit for a Domme too. We all have our limits too look after.

There is a reason Dommes have a "scene name" and don't share their personal identities. We are in a sense "public figures"-- we're accessible to the general public in a way. I have a separate phone number for a reason. I've had hate mail and phone calls from weird christian anti-sex work people in the past. Anyone that finds My website has the ability to call or email Me, which is frankly a pain in the ass most of the time, but it comes with the territory.

Just how do you think we'll leak your info? And why? To who? What would be our reason for outing a sub? To ruin our own reputation?

We are at risk for stalkers when sharing that info. I've had to dismiss subs after they've acted up in session and then they've threatened to OUT Me to My family after stumbling upon My real info. I can't see it going the opposite way with an actual Professional Domme who's been vetted by the BDSM community over the years.

Plus, Dommes don't usually run full background checks on their subs, they just want to know that the guy entering their space does not have a history of being a bad sub, stalker, violent, etc, and that info comes from other Dommes. To get that info we need your email and phone number that you've used with another Domme at the very least.

Yep. I currently have a very deranged person (a fired client) who every couple months tries to see me with fake names. Luckily he never passes my screening or I might not be here right now.

You'd have references though, which most Dommes also accept. But yes, hard limits are hard limits I was just sharing my thoughts on the topic and providing a Domme's input/side of the story which this forum could always use more of

The reason dommes and subs seek anonymity is the same, being outed can be a risk to their family or professional life. What you are referring as a scene name I would call it a brand name once you attain the reputation Domme Lynx is talking about. Until then it is an alias both sides use when meeting each other.

Not all the mistresses have achieved this reputation, some don't have the time or resources to do these checks, again this is a large world, we each make our own choices which probably make sense for us and we live by them.

For me anybody who would want to know my name without being willing to give me theirs would raise a red flag.

Ok, read through multiple posts here, and honestly not sure who some session with that there's so much paranoia, or whatever. I'm not "open" about this stuff, but I've never been "threatened" or paranoid that I was going to be "outed" by a Pro Domme.

2 - I can't tell you about using alias, I never have, but that's because I do my due diligence on paramount level before sessions. For example, A: if the price is too good to be true, it IS, TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
B: if Domme only is on 1 site, such as Twitter, FB, ERos, etc, and you can't find anything else, MOVE ON...
C: see who FOLLOWS the Pro Domme on Twitter in particular. Dommes aren't like subs, they don't randomly "LIKE" and follow persons that that they don't have some connection to.
There's other things related to this, but those hold true.

ALSO, what area? This site can HELP you, usually if NO ONE here knows or has session'd with the Domme, they're either a "newbie" or not real. Tell biggest city close by and that'll get hits on trustworthy options.

Also, don't believe the "RISK" stuff, if you've done your due diligence. Your risk is not the same as a Pro Domme, not even close. If you're worried about your personal stuff, you can leave it in your car, and hide it very well before session.

This is an excellent response. When I started sessioning about 35-40 years ago I was extremely paranoid for no good reason. I think it cost me making some really good connections with the Dommes I would see regularly. I have meant to respond to the op but have been to lazy to do it but you are on the money with all you say here.

+1 Good stuff