Etiquette for discussing scene specifics with a domme prior to sessioning

Hello all,

I'm so glad I found this forum!

I was wondering if there's a proper etiquette for discussing specifics around a scene with a domme beforehand? I'm a fetishist & usually do roleplay, and I usually have very specific things I'd like the domme to do or say in order to "scratch the itch" per se. Is it ok to correspond with that type of thing over Email, or is it better to have it memorized/written down for when I finally meet with the domme? I know her time is valuable.

A follow-up question I have: I've been sessioning for around 20 years, and I've always done role-play in order to have the scene make sense. My main kink is OTK spanking, so it's always angry girlfriend or strict teacher/governess. Does anyone have some pointers for having a good spanking session where you're not roleplaying? I'm concerned about not being able to get into the right headspace without the role play

My experience has been that it is important to have this discussion before booking a session. The initial contact is the first indication if the Mistress and I are a good fit.

If role play works for you in session, why do you want to try it without?

Definitely before the session. Communication is critical to a good session ....especially with a Domme you haven't played with before. You need to ensure that you are a good match.

Showing up for a session and surprising the Domme with a bunch of "must haves" is a very bad idea in my books.

OTK is top on my playtime list. I've never thought of it without role play of some kind. Did you happen to see The Secretary? It came out in the early 2000's. There wasn't role play, per say. But, it definitely wasn't peer to peer. Huh. Your follow up questions is a good one. Is power exchange that is not present in every day life role play?

Welcome to the Buzz!

I agree with what the others have posted. Definitely notify her by Email about what you are looking for. If role play has been an integral element of your fantasy then it makes no sense to ditch it now. Having said that there is the phenomenon of subs that have lengthy detailed scripts that they expect the Dommes to carry out to the letter. Those guys are not looked on favorably. So don't go overboard with the detail. Give the lady some room to improvise.

There is an old thread about role play that Mistress Ayn started I think you will find interesting:

http://domina.ms/~domroot/thebuzz/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1995#Post1995

My suggestion is that you write in your intro email or session application . . . I like role playing but I might explore a spanking without a specific role playing, depending on the setting!

A significant number of mistress specifically state on their website or introductory page that they do and enjoy role playing and love it . . . and other do not say that explicitly.

You might also consider writing, "I need to be spanked, but I don't know why! Role playing can be a part of this; you decide."

Most mistresses will work with you either way, I think and most will work with you even if you request role playing verbally at the start of the session . . .

You are simply more likely to get a more complete and passionate role play if the domme knows a few days in advance!

I think I'm just reaching a point where I'm not getting as much out of the role play scenarios I've been asking for. Also, I've been kind of wanting a more personal connection when playing.

Maybe the role plays I've been asking for are starting to get stale for me. Usually, I'm a lying boyfriend, or a bad student. Maybe I need some new ideas? I really enjoy a domestic/intimate setting


I've never seen that; I'll seek it out, thanks!


Well, I have kind of a rough situation. Although I am definitely submissive in my relationship with my S/O, she doesn't play & has explicitly indicated that she's not interested in playing. I think maybe I was looking for something to fill that void

That's a fantastic idea! Thank you so much!

I agree the consensus on the thread. Interests, limitations, ect., should be discussed prior to booking a session. There is nothing wrong with pre-booking inquiries so you can book a session with the lady you feel is the best fit. When I was an active session dom, I'd be uncomfortable about being blind sighted with a list at time of session. It is better to allow the Dom time to get her head wrapped around your interests beforehand and, also, time to decline the session if she feels it isn't a good fit.