Submission without humiliation

Is it just me or do others feel this way...

During my 20+ Yrs of being a sub ive seen a trend where D/s relationships have taken on more and more extreme humiliation. It seems like the Loudest voices both Dominas and Submissives are really focused on humiliation. Maybe thats the easiest way to sell clips online. Maybe a lot of people are just really into it.

Nothing wrong with that if thats your kink and in the right situation i’ve always enjoyed a little humiliation. But mostly i like to submit because i love the power exchange, i love giving a dominant women control, i like getting beat up a little or a lot during sex. I dont want to feel weak or pathetic or about it. Its getting tougher to find D/s without humiliation being involved. I also think this could be important if we want to normalize more femdom. You dont have to be weak to be a sub in a relationship. You dont have to live in a cage 24/7.

A few examples:

when i engage in chastity play its because i love the feeling of giving up control. Its not because i dont think i deserve sex.

I also do findom. Its been a kink of mine since before it was all over the place. But i do it because its a hot form of power exchange. Its not because i cant have a relationship without paying for it.

My current domme is great about leaving the humiliation out. But she tells me i am one of the few people that dont want it. I just wish i could do more of this without the humiliation being so front and center.

Spark, I agree with you. My mindset in doing sessions, for the past two decades at least is before I make an appointment and then getting ready for it in the days or hours prior to meeting the Mistress, is that She has hired me for Her entertainment. My pleasure is being used and making her happy.

Oh, all the Mistresses I have served have been firm, assertive and demanding, even one I sessioned with who was a switch. I've always discussed limits and some Mistresses, intuitively knew when and how to push them. I haven't done findom, but I have made deposits for sessions (or donation if needed) with two Mistresses I knew very well, one I still know today. Just writing this the endorphins are kicking in. LOL!

I've been slapped, spanked, rope or chain bondage, caged, humped, some public play and the Mistresses were all demanding. But not to the level of heavy verbal humiliation.

Yes, it does seem like humiliation has becoming more and more popular. I'm fine with it, because it's very fun. And while I'm sure that makes it slightly more time-consuming to sift through BDSM materials in order to find things you like... is that really so bad?

It seems like you've already found a compatible Mistress, and I can tell you that the overwhelming majority of pro-dommes will not include humiliation in the scene if you simply communicate that preference. I am considered a humiliation specialist but that doesn't mean all my scenes are heavy on humiliation, nor would I want them to be -- I'd get bored doing the exact same thing all the time. Humiliation clips are common because they tend to do well and POVs are very easy to make but you can certainly find appealing porn without even having to order a custom video, although that's also an option.

I guess I just don't understand your complaint?

I too am not that interested in humiliation. I started a thread asking some questions about its appeal in late 2019:

http://domina.ms/~domroot/thebuzz/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=8907#Post8907

Yes i like the way you think!



I know the feeling, my Mistress has my credit card. Just seeing her make transactions gets me going. Not for everyone and a lot of trust involved. Honestly for us it has become a fun albeit slightly expensive way to pay for sessions. Most importantly i feel like i am able to give her something that will make her life better



Yes i agree make it hurt just dont make me feel like a loser. Nothing wrong with it. Just not my thing

Thank you for your response Mistress. I am sorry i didnt want it to come off as a compliant. I know a lot of people really enjoy humiliation as part of their bdsm play. In the right situation i do as well.

Maybe its just my perception but it feels like humiliation its so widespread it now overlaps many of the femdom kinks. It seems to be front and center in all femdom marketing. Clips, social media etc. Just because i like pegging, or chastity etc i doesn’t mean i want to be made fun of.

If i called a domme and said i was into humiliation she wouldnt automatically assume i was into strapon play

But the other way around seems to be a common assumption nowadays

You are definitely right most dominas are more than happy to offer sessions without humiliation. And i have been lucky enough to find someone who will do it with me. but it feels like i always have to opt out of humiliation instead of most kinks where you have to opt in.

Humiliation often seems to mean verbal these days...name calling/being mocked etc etc. That's definitely not my kink

I do enjoy a strong degree of being forced into performing what might be viewed as humiliating or degrading acts. To me it's more about the Domme displaying her complete control. The act of licking the sole of a Domme's boot isn't a turnon in and of itself. However the idea that I am helpless, in restraints and will be severely punished unless I obey is.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but it seems like your main complaints are that (1) femdom-related advertising and content is not always tailored to your specific tastes, and (2) your Mistress is not a mind-reader and you are forced to actually communicate your interests, a process that involves slightly more words than you would like.

Something pro-dommes learn with experience is that certain interests often accompany each other, and that we can generally make a pretty good bet on additional activities a submissive might enjoy based on what he's already told us. If we didn't make this bet then every session would just be a laundry list of the exact activities mentioned in the email inquiry, with very little room for spontaneity or exploration. When we get this right, it's delightful. When we get it wrong, not so much -- which is why we ask for hard limits and communicate with submissives about their interests, in order to gather as much information as possible on what will and won't work.

Strap-on and humiliation often go together. You are aware of this. As an experienced submissive, you can now use your words and let the Mistress know you don't want the scene pushed in that direction.

You definitely aren't being harsh i see where you are coming from.

I might be overreacting somewhat. Some of the reason for my post might be the emotional aspect of seeing so much marketing based on humiliation. I never have felt my submission is something to be humiliated over and it feels like BDSM as a whole has gotten swept up in humiliation. I totally get its a valid fetish. And one that i think many submissives enjoy.

As i think about My post i was hoping more to convey that submission doesnt have to be humiliating and being submissive is something to be proud of. Not sure i did the best job of conveying that though

It would be a complete turn off if my girlfriend talked to me like that when are playing. Instead, she makes me feel desired and wanted, like her toy. But, to each their own. My friends would think I was crazy if they knew the stuff I do.

This was a problem for me a long time ago when I did not know that you can express yourself and negotiate. Right now no humiliation is something I write in my first email to a new mistress. Frankly I never had a problem with it since.

> You dont have to be weak to be a sub in a relationship

Actually, I find that its the opposite. Subs are strong, they just give that strength, that power, to the Domme. Its refreshing. Its different. Its exciting.

> when i engage in chastity play its because i love the feeling of giving up control.

Exactly. Its about control. Its the ultimate in tease and denial.

I completely agree. As I have posted before I started as a college kid, got in and out of the scene over the years, and realize now as a very mature male who continues to do a few sessions that you must be strong - physically and emotionally - to be a sub. I feel I've gotten stronger, open to more experiences and activities and being more comfortable in my own skin.

Let me stir the pot a little.

Do you mean in a relationship or in a session? You have more of a point for a session, not so much for a relationship.

I think that you should bring all you can in a relationship you care about and doing less than that is an abdication of responsibility.

To tell you the truth this is one of my main objections to slavery and submission.

Hi, I enjoy a similar kink. I enjoy physical humiliation but not verbal humiliation. How can I express this clearly to a Domme without eliminating interesting activities?

I enjoy humiliation but only a certain type -- if she presses the wrong buttons, it snaps me right out of subspace. I communicate all this by giving her context and examples. Context example: "our dynamic should be fun, sensual, flirty, we should laugh a lot. It should not be strict, mean, yelly/screamy, etc. Bratty or entitled princess countenance encouraged."

Then I give examples of what kind of humiliation I like or don't like.

Don't like: Don't speak in absolutes about me, I'll snap right out of subspace. Don't say things like -- You're a bitch. You're not a real man. You're a piece of shit.

Do highlight how I'm submissive or inferior TO YOU: You're my bitch. I own you. How does it feel knowing you get your ass fucked, and you can only worship mine?