Wife/Girlfriend Dillema

A close friend and former client of mine has been longing for professional playtime recently. His girlfriend plays with him but it isn't really her thing. She is a highly jealous woman. I suggested that she go route of Scooby and include her, allowing her to call the shots and be involved. But, he thinks it would tank their otherwise happy relationship. As it is now, he is mulling over how to address the subject of her playing with him more and learning a few skill sets. I've offered to talk and advise her. But, he doesn't think she'd go for that. This summer we are hanging out to together on a vanilla vacation. So, maybe as she gets to know me she'll see that she was nothing to worry about and I can be of help. Right now, it is sad to see my friend in that position. I've advised him not to session behind her back. As close as they are, it doesn't seem right for him to jeopardize the relationship by lying.

This reminds of the time when a client's wife called me because she found my phone number in his wallet. This was a client who adored his wife and family life. He just needed a bdsm charge here and there. I pretended like I didn't know what she was talking about because it wasn't my place to explain. In my heart, I thought if she only knew the truth. He loved her to the moon and back.

For those who have to hide their interests in pro sessions, does it bother you? Have you ever told a personal partner about them only to have the relationship put in jeopardy?

I would be bothered if my wife or girlfriend was interacting with other men behind my back. If she asked permission, I'd feel just as uncomfortable with with. The more I read on forums like this the more I realize who lucky I am. My girlfriend not only introduced me to all of this but is 100% up for a pro session, as long as she and the prodom top me together. Now that you have me thinking of the dynamics of all of this if it were topping another man or worse yet subbing to one, I couldn't handle it. Men are complicated creatures. It isn't just women. lol.

I feel for your friend

On the occasion when i have been in a relationship i have tried to stop sessioning.

I have not always been perfect. Surprisingly i dont feel guilty about sessioning. I needed it too much. although in my younger days i did feel guilty about not feeling guilty if that makes sense

Most of my adult life i have been single by choice so i haven't had to worry about it.

In my more recent relationships i have tried to break the mold of a traditional relationship and have been comfortable bringing up the idea of consensually having additional partners (for both of us) to meet emotional and physical needs. As ive gotten older i really think this can lead to a healthy relationship dynamic. However, that line of thinking has generally not been well received which is really unfortunate. I guess that has not been normalized yet.

Many of us form friendships and social connections that are different from our partners and those often make for a better relationship and a deeper connection Im surprised that more people arent willing to explore the same thing when it comes to sex or domination.

Is the first pro session for you and your girlfriend in the works yet? It will be interesting to hear how it goes. I hope it is all and more you both are expecting it to be.

I am definitely one who hides his interest and that I am doing pro sessions. It bothers me and it doesn’t bother me. I’m good at compartmentalising things. But I don’t like having this secret life from my wife. I am somewhat surprised she’s never figured it out or suspected but I think if she suspected something it would be that I was having a vanilla affair which I have ZERO interest in and would never do.

I’ve had these submissive and femdom bdsm desires as far back as I can remember. It took a long time to finally have a real session and live the fantasy out even though I always knew I had to do it. I was sessioning before I got married and quit for awhile after I did. I think I went back to it as a result of unrelated conflicts we were having in the marriage but it’s been so long I really don’t remember the timeline or whys of it all. The desires were probably to strong to resist most likely.

I'm so glad you chimed in here. Your situation was part of what inspired the post. What it is so touching about the relationship you have with your wife, at least from what I hear from the outside looking in, is that you are are somewhat submissive to her is your marriage. She definitely comes first with you. I get tickled when we are chatting on the phone about major life decisions, like where to live in retirement for example. You let her drive the bus. I wonder if she knows that, in a certain regard, she is domming you. Perhaps, it is a form of justification, but I've never seen my happily married husbands as wronging their wives by sneaking away for sessions. When I was an active and very busy dom in my early days of building a career, I rarely dated. There wasn't a place for it in my life then. I'd see my married clients out the door and wave goodbye, thinking, "Their wife is really lucky." Most of my married clients, as you seem to, have their wives on a pedestal.

Yes. We are still working out dates. We are going to Florida to session with Michelle Lacy in either February or March. Mistress Ayn's website is impressive. I enjoy her posts here too. But, Florida makes more sense for a vacation this time of year. We are both excited. I'm trying not to think about it too much, which isn't easy. I want to go with an open mind instead of a head full of fantasies. I will post a review here. Thanks for asking.

I’m not sure where to start with this reply. I guess like most marriages it’s complicated. In my case very complicated. First I’ve got to say that my wife is complicated. I’d say she’s dominant in most areas except sexually which is truly ironic given my sexual wiring. It’s not that I’m submissive to my wife because I’m not. Not at all really although I’ve wondered how things would go if I were more submissive around the house. I think she’d probably like it but it’s just not part of our relationship dynamic or my non sexual personality. I do love my wife and want her to be happy so I’m willing to do most anything she asks. And I’m pretty flexible so I’m open to most options but if she doesn’t ask or state a preference then it causes conflict. It’s hard to describe here. Complicated like I say and I don’t want to get real specific in this post. You are right I do put her on a pedestal and she does come first so for the most part if she wants something I’m going to do it or stand in her way. I’m lucky she married me. At times I’ve wondered why she did but truth is I think I’ve been good for her in a lot of ways. We have definite similarities but I think we are more complimentary then similar.

There is an old saying that if you want to know what kind of man someone is, watch how they treat their mother. I think the same is true of the way they threat treat their wife. So, to the OT, most of married clients and kinky friends have been pretty cool guys.

Thanks Cheyenne. I guess i’ve always had a live and let live approach to relationships. Good and bad to that approach. Ive done some kink in personal relationships but Never seriously dated in fetish circles and parties don't quite align with my personality but i bet they are a blast!

I’ll take that as a compliment 😉

I tried to involve my wife in session and to her credit, she gave it a try. I first tried to expose her to my interests in a home setting. But not really *getting* it, she did agree to visit a Domme with me. It was okay, but it just didn't turn out to be her thing. She more or less gave me permission to session; "I don't mind if you go do this once in awhile" were her paraphrased words. Still, I don't advertise that I do to her when I do go. But I do session albeit a lot less than when I was much younger.

That's a good word, compartmentalize. I too am able to do that rather well. I look at it as an occasional hobby. Hey, I don't go fishing or golfing!

And I don't feel at all bad as it's only a few hours a couple of times a year.

It is awesome that your wife was both willing to try and understanding of your having that occasional itch. You are probably in the small but fortunate minority.

Think ghost busters and the streams should never cross. Sometimes, kink and vanilla worlds should not cross.

Some guys might be bdsm kinky and have been thinking about sessions and play since they were 15, so that could be at least 15 years if not more. So then, the kinky guy approaches the GF and wants her to join in. And everything they talk about it total sticker shock. She might have dominant tendencies but she's not kinky in the bedroom. So her kink IQ is that of a complete newbie and the guy's kink IQ is genius level.

It's not the guys fault or her fault that she's not kinky.

And then if she's dragged into a session, she's watching her BF, or husband, or father of her children in situations that she's completely not prepared for. A straight girl scout woman is not going to be prepared to watch her husband and father of her children be tied to a spanking bench and caned. It's just not realistic.

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket but there's enough indicators and triggers floating out there in society, and if she was so inclined, she would have been likely doing it by now.

My recommendation is to not cross the streams.

Don't cross the streems. Love it. Puts me in the mood to watch the original Ghost Busters.

I completely agree in the case of a man dragging a vanilla woman to a session with him. Over the years, I've seen a few men try to turn their girlfriend or wife into a dom. Not only was it bad for their relationship but, in my opinion, selfish of the man. You are spot on with if an adult woman was kinky, she would have realized that, at least, by the time she was in college.

In my friend's case, his live in girlfriend is kinky. They play at home once in a while, but not often enough or deep enough to scratch his itch. She's insanely jealous...to the point that even if he was to sneak away for a session, somehow her radar would come on and, she'd know it. Perhaps a good suggestion would be for him to rent a high end play space for just the two of them. He'd get his playtime and the toys may inspire her to explore. She loves clothes. So, he could buy her a killer outfit and boots.

Agreed! She is no drama ever. I can truly use the trite expression, we're each other's best friends. Not easy as anyone whose been in a relationship can attest. But we've figured it out I think. 39 years and counting!

Max
You said it buddy. A million years ago I was married to the Straight Girl Scout....Woops!
She didn't do no tango.......at least not once we were married. Coulda sworn she had the eye of the tiger when we were dating.
So I made the little mistake of trying to cross streams with her....... and wound up with what the professionals might call a "wild line".
Somehow I think it would appropriate to close by asking.
"Who you gonna call"
You made my day with the crossed streams.
Thanks
The Driver

Perhaps a better idea than having SO join a session would be to have her and the Mistress meet in a vanilla setting (paid for by client). If a connection is made they could take the next step and have her join.

That is a good suggestion. I will talk to my friend about it. As it is now, as jealous as his girlfriend is, he is leaning toward renting a dungeon, surprising her with a really cool outfit and hoping that not only does she feel special but understand that he needs more play.

Let me ask you this, how do you balance the vanilla relationship while having an interest in kink?

This is a post (non-political) that i can respond to. It is a very important one for me, and something i've always wondered about. i have an SO that i love deeply. And before we connected many, many years ago i was dabbling into BDSM. my first experience that brought me there was as an 8-10 year old(?) when we were naked in our fully enclosed yard and my brother as a joke brought the (very pretty) neighborhood girls into the yard to see me naked and laugh at me. For whatever reason, it excited me. i truly believe that's where it all started.

Many, many years later upon my initial meeting with my SO, when sex began i tried to at least show her some of my submissiveness. Mostly by going down on Her and proving that it was my job to please Her. i did want to show Her that side, so She would accept me that way or not. i don't think it sunk in in Her mind. (It's not like i didn't enjoy intercourse with Her, but much, much more enjoyed orally pleasing Her)

But the sub/service feelings are still there. i tried to get Her to play with me in a dominant way, but even though She didn't hate anything i keep trying to have Her do, She wasn't really into it.

So what do i do? We were/are in a lifetime commitment. But... of course i still had massive BDSM urges. So over the years, i've sessioned maybe about 2-3 times per year. However, the guilt of "not being faithful" to someone i truly love & wish to spend the rest of my life with, eats me up.

In a way i feel lucky that "my" awesome Domme retired about 2 years ago, and of course Covid.

Sometimes i think my SO has a thought of what i may be doing when i go to session - away for at least a day. And also i don't think she'd care too much as long as no intercourse - which of course isn't going to happen with any Domme (at least that i know). i feel She'd be more upset about the fact that i was spending "X" amount of money to session.

i've been torn by this forever! Want to be a faithful partner, and as i couldn't bring SO over to the kinks i like, what can i do? Guilt, guilt, guilt! i also get the feeling that "vanilla women" who find out a male is submissive, look at them as a "wimp" and not a sexy & strong man they'd want to be with and/or get turned on by.

Any thoughts would be welcome, and would sure like to live without the guilt.

I feel you on the guilt. And if its any consolation i am guessing a lot of us do. I try to justify it by saying this is something i really need and when i look back on life i will be happier that i did it. It doesnt relieve the guilt but it helps to rationalize it for me. These are tough conversations to have with a partner and in many ways has led to me staying single. I have found that a kink friendly professional therapist can help with those feelings.

I too have fought the perception that submissive men are wimps. Nothing wrong with that if that is your thing. But i enjoy filling what many would consider traditional male roles even though i an submissive. Things like cutting down trees, working on cars, and staining decks. I also work very hard to provide financially in a relationship. Im no pushover either. Ive been involved in a few long term relationships with pro dommes. Im an equal partner in the decision making even i am still the submissive. That to me leads to be viewed as sexy and strong even if i am submissive. It doesn't work for everyone but it works for me and the women i do this with.

Thanks Spark,

i do feel like i need the "submissive play release" to enjoy life and not feel pent up desires. i think i'd go a bit crazy without that "playtime!" It is a great feeling as i'm sure we all know here on this board.

Re: the sub wimp concept, i work very hard and am an excellent provider. Do many typical male things & would consider myself in standard male roles. Not a "Macho" man for sure as i don't even like that type of person. Of course i treat Women with great respect as we all should, but it's if i'm a subbie in the bedroom, how can she still respect me? If i have Her "dirty" scented panties over my face during sex, does She think i'm crazy? a perv? or a wimp? Bottom line is, does She see me as less of a man, and not as desirable in several ways? i've pretty much dropped the BDSM stuff in our bedroom because of these concerns.

And after slowly trying to introduce sub kink things in the bedroom, i am sure that She's not really in to them. More just going along with it to please me. i know pushing the envelope would ruin things, so i need to session every now and then.

Still leaves me with the guilt though. ugh!

Would love to hear any thoughts from Dommes (and others) here about this mix up of feelings.

i am, as many others, in the same situation as you. my wife isn't really interessted in kinky stuff; we tried several times, but i can feel she is really not into this.

This leads to three options:
a) give up and try to neclect your desires
b) fullfil your kinky desires with a pro
c) find another partner.

As i do love my wife, c) isn't an option for me. And as you know how really difficult it is to find a sexually dominant female...

As after a session i do feel so much better and relaxt for weeks, it is just something i can't deny forever. So, for me, i chose b).

And: with a pro, there is no question: does/can she still respect me as a partner. A pro just doesn‘t care. As long as i am a decent bloke and help her pay her bills, she 'likes' me.
And if you find a really good one you keep seeing for years, it can become close to a friendship 'light'.

Slv4u,

Yes it's quite the dilemma. All you said is so true for me. And I have chosen as you did/do.

Would really LOVE to hear Domme's input in regard to this situation! Is this something you hear from Your subs often?

i was fortunate to build as very good friendship (not clingy/scary!) with "my" Domme. It was great and She was the best i ever sessioned with. Unfortunately She retired, and post Covid, i'd hope to find someone equal, but i seriously doubt that is possible for a various number of reasons. Sigh.

This is a struggle that I've seen a lot of men face. I feel strongly that it makes a man a better husband to get his kink out here and there. What are the options? To be cranky and distracted or jeopardize a healthy marriage by trying to push kink onto a vanilla spouse? The money aspect, I can understand. For a married couple on a budget, a little splurge here and there doesn't seem to be a bad thing as long as you encourage her to do it too. Perhaps, surprising her with a trip to the day spa or whatever it is that she enjoys?

Thank You Cheyenne for Your valuable input. Yes i do the things You mentioned. i try to pamper/spoil SO, but the person She is will only give anything i get her to our kid. She is awesome and selfless like that, so i have to truly negotiate to make sure She pampers herself. Agree 100% about pushing a spouse into kink that they're not into. Not a wise thing to do.

Men being selfish - LOL - you are dead on as usual!! Hope your friend makes it work.

Thx bud. Enjoy.

Yep - tried that in 2003, did not work. I had known the domme for like six years and we had some outside connections. She wrote an email to me detailing a phone conversation that we had like I was a first time client. We were going to start in her vanilla living room. My wife and I never got there. We could not get past the email - LOL. I think I have it somewhere. It does not matter. For me, the streams were never truly crossed and I would have been a fool to do that. My vanilla life is solid and I'm lucky that I have it.

Another domme taught me a great lesson about 10 years later. It was "people don't leave their vanilla lives for their kinks." I've been doing sessions since 1993 and that was the most direct wake up, slap in the face that I ever got. It was simple and also great.

Think about that. Your kink partner, male or female, might be great in the heat of passion, but what about the rest of the package? Finances, long term life goals, and general daily operational practices matter.

Good luck my friend.

OMG talk about irony on this subject. The Dr. Phil (one of the most pompous people on the planet I know) show today had a set of Female triplets one of which has a boyfriend who is clearly a masochist. They are discussing how it works, as the two other sisters think he's a bad guy/freak due to his fetishes. That's how i ended up recording the show - key word "fetish" I record all. The Woman in question had her expensive shoes taken by the boyfriend and used/ruined for his sub/masochistic pleasures with another Woman (Domme?). i'm in the middle of watching the episode, but will report back further another time with what "Dr" Phil has to say. Said Girlfriend has tried to satisfy some of his kinks such as stepping on him, his face, and his balls.

Ok "finished" watching the episode, but guess what...It's a two
part episode, so it'll be on tomorrow if anyone wants to watch.

This is a very tempting subject to talk about but to my mind inappropriate. Some of the guys here feel the need to communicate because they are in a predicament and sharing feelings or info with kindred spirits is a help. Professional mistresses have at least some public profile which give them some cover. But wives? Why should personal things about the wives be shared behind their backs in a public forum? Not every news is fit to print.

If their wives are in the scene and it wouldn't be an anonymous conversation, I'd say it would be wrong to discuss them here. But, as it is, it is highly doubtful anyone of us would come to know their wives. It is considerate for you to be concerned.

I am much older now and I am a current relationship. Ever since I was in my mid 30s I have always been up front with my GFs and told them I have a Femdom kinky side. I think I am more lucky then must as my range of kink varies from very light to hardcore extreme. So all my relationships understood and accepted my kink. I do npt session nearly as of much as I use to due to the fact I have been in relationships. But when I do I let the lady I am seeing know I have the urge to session and need to see someone to paly hard. All I can do is be upfront and let the chips fall/

This is a much better approach then what I did before in my younger days. This may explain to a degree I way I have chose to be single all my life as I allowed my kink to be a big part of my life.