FemDom resentment

Recents posts on here have brought up something I have long been curious about. It's not uncommon for a "sub" to get crosswise with a Pro Domme and turn a full 180, becoming extremely nasty and denigrating not only us, but women in general - which shows their true feelings about women. I have often wondered what these guys see in doing sessions? Is it a type of masochism?

I spoke with a male friend of mine about this and his opinion was that they resent their FemDom fantasies but can't stop them or stop seeking out Mistresses. Deep down they hate themselves for it. Their anger is transference.

Any thoughts?

There's two sides to it. There are men that hate themselves and hate Doms for sure. They act out inappropriately to varying levels some, which are really bad, but there are some legitimate gripes one can have with pro Doms and some of their attitudes. More later gotta run out.

Because of my interest in cnc, I'm pretty aware of that aspect. In other words, it's fair to wonder - do I seek a predator/prey scene because I want it to trigger/excuse a resentment or loathing for women; to make Her be the predator so I can hate her for it.

I don't feel anything of the sort. But the Mistress is right to wonder if I do. CNC can be incredible (as you would know). But only if everyone involved is there to explore rather than to validate some ugly notions of the other. (I have been on the receiving end of those notions as well; live and learn.)

I know some guys don't like deposits. But I really won't see anyone who doesn't take deposits. More think-time goes into it to work out basic chemistry and yes's, maybe's, and definitely not's. And to let each other feel confident that we are both coming at this from a fairly good place.

I will normally start by proposing a non-refundable think-time fee. If the session never happens, so be it. But it's not foot worship. She has to spend some time thinking about it, planning it, and considering the person inquiring about it and his motives. Assuming that should be a free service is wrong on every level.

As to our recent ship in the night, it never seemed that the veneer of respect went very deep with him. Some people think they want to be understood, but what they really want is attention and indulgence. People who wait til you're done speaking to be polite rather than because they are listening to you. He was one of those. His communication will always be asymmetrical. When it didn't go his way, the facade of mutual respect fell away like a kabuki mask. Because there never was any actual respect. Just some social convention that could be discarded at a moment's notice. As it was.

I don't at all envy Dommes for having to suss out who's kink is mixed up with smoldering anger and resentment. It's woven into my scene approach though.

Sounds about right.

They don't like themselves for their kinks, and they transfer that dislike to dommes.

Throw in some more resentment for the unconscious idea that "If I like something I am entitled to it" and not being able to get as much as they want.

Then there is the stereotype based in truth that subs tend to be decision makers in their jobs. At least in the past guys like that tended to be conservative, which carried some misogyny along with it, as well an inability to handle women who are their equals/superiors.

Yes, exactly. Usually these guys call themselves "slave something or other", put on the veneer of submission and are even obsequious - until they are not. Usually it comes from them not getting their way on something and then hell hath no fury like a fake slave scored. The mask comes off quickly.

I would just love to know the psychology of them wanting to wear the mask to begin with. Mommy issues? It's beyond my paygrade obviously but I am particularly curious about this one.

Probably a sad truth.



I usually don't ever get to the point of developing a relationship with these sorts but based on the information I do know (from applications if it even goes that far) they tend to be guys that are not in solid relationships. This points more to their inability to get along with and establish relationships with women more than conservatism. I would say that at least 70% of my clientele could be labeled as conservative. I don't see them leaning toward misogyny any more than my more liberal clients. Just my two cents.

Is this 20% or 30% or 15% or so of the slaves or subs?

If it matters, I have had non professional people make guesses about my supposed psychology or my supposed or alleged "true motives" for doing some things slightly unusual, and not even bdsm stuff. The people making their guesses have been wrong in all cases or nearly every case.

In these cases, it was a common reaction of the non professionals to suppose that because 1 I did something they did not like and 2 that thing was unusual that therefore I was secretly psychologically troubled or disturbed!

Now I will agree that 1 in 3 to 2 in 3 persons in society are a grouch prone to lying, anxiety or depression.

Long ago, the Roman Emperor MRcus Aurelius, supposedly one of the good emperors, wrote that ee can commonly expect to be mistreated by most people or nearly all of them.

It seems like it is normal for the majority of people to be paranoid, lying and grouchy idiots. That is the normal state of affairs.

If the average person had a ring if Gyges, and the ring made him invisible and he could commit various crimes without others knowing or punishing him, would he do so? Yes.

The ring of Gyges is a part of Grerk mythology that philosophers use in discussions about morality and the nature of man.

Most are creeps and criminals.

I am not sure what you mean by this question, ztrade. Are 20% of them resentful and end up acting like aholes? No, not at all. It is a miniscule number - thankfully. If that is not your question, please clarify.


Well I am definitely not a professional therapist so I quite possibly could be wrong in my guess. And all guesses here may be wrong but it's an interesting topic for me.

I know this is slightly off topic, but I did not know about the Ring of Gyges. That is fascinating to me. I honestly think my answer would be no. I would feel immense amount of guilt even if were the only person aware of my crimes. ( Maybe that's a result of Catholic upbringing/Catholic guilt ) Thanks for sharing that, I'm going to check out.

I've been doing some of my femdom adventures in the world of sugar/arrangements. One of the thing many sugarbabies (SBs) say is, it is very common that a potential SD will message them, being sweet and charming. And then, something will happen that shows they're not compatible (e.g., her allowance request is higher than what he's offering, or there's something about the logistics that won't work out). She'll politely try to part ways, expecting a polite "thanks, sorry it didn't work out" reply, and instead, she's treated to this torrent of abuse and threats.

I bring this up to point out that in any sexually-charged situation, femdom or sugar or vanilla dating or anything else, this 180 seems to be not totally uncommon. Perhaps a combination of testosterone, wounded pride, and most importantly, low emotional intelligence. Perhaps femdom magnifies this all a bit, because on top of all that, he knows she's made him beg for mercy, stomped his balls, made him lick her toes... maybe once the bubble bursts, that helps drive some perverse need to save face by lashing out.

Just an observation

I think there are multiple reasons why this happens. Some which seem to have obvious explanations to me and others which don't.

I think one reason is that they have longstanding issues with a female figure in their life. Likely their mother. Men who cling to Dommes and seem to desperately want their attention, sometimes trying both healthy and unhealthy ways, sometimes becoming sycophants for them, only to turn nasty when they don't get what they want, seem to hint at feelings of abandonment. They are using Dommes as a stand-in "mother" figure that they hope to finally get the attention they never got from their mother.

I could keep going but I could write a thesis on my interactions and speculations about the maladapative behavior I have experienced as a Domme and woman.

Aren't most clients of prodommes married?

I don't know if I'd say "most", though you can't always be sure that someone is telling you the truth.

I definitely have seen a lot of single men because they never have the issues that marries men do: very restrictive schedules, no marks, etc.

For those that are married, it doesn't mean that the relationship is "solid". In fact, it is likely not to be solid if they're seeing a Dominatrix without their wife's knowledge, which is the case for most married men.

I agree.

I can't tell you how much flack I've gotten for offering that opinion on web boards with guys ogling women in fetish gear.




Also known as the "Nice Guy" in the vanilla world.

Low self confidence men who make contracts with women, without telling them, that if they do nice things for them the woman will return affection. When that doesn't happen they turn nasty.

Yes, soapy, most clients of FemDom's are married (maybe 80%+) but the typical guy that causes this specific kind of drama is usually not in a relationship - in my experience. If I really wanted to extrapolate I could speculate they are "incels".

I believe the majority of the married clients I see regularly do have solid relationships. This is just an aspect they don't wish to share or are afraid to share with their mates. Most of them have been married for many years and they speak of their wives respectfully. I am sure there are exceptions, but I certainly don't think the opposite is the rule.

Resentment comes easy to incels. If they are doing many sessions they are likely to fantasize about their relationship with the Domina escalating and when it becomes clear that it is not happening can turn.

Financial strain could play a role in some cases. If they are spending more than they afford on sessions and there is no sign that they are going to get what they really want they are likely to start feeling that they've been exploited. Something like a polite suggestion that they try a longer than usual session might trigger them.

Some could be self-hating fetishists or subs - much the way we have self-hating gay men. (Including plenty of the most homophobic politicians.) They hate this thing about themselves that isn't "normal." It's a short walk from there to despising the one who triggers those "feelings."

I never had the resentment but it took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that I'm a submissive. Probably because it felt like a contradiction. How can I exert this authority over here in professional life and also be this very different person over here. One must be more right than the other.

Accepting that they are complementary and both need to their air time takes a while. The world doesn't teach us that. Not to men anyway. It doesn't really teach us anything useful about it. We have to feel our way to it and hopefully find Dommes who will help with self-acceptance.

But we have to want it. I don't think some of these guys you speak of - or the one who just left this site - want it. They love an idealized self that they'll never be and they hate the perceived enemies of that impossible self. Kinda sad. But you know at the start of the 20th century a school boy could still get punished in this country for being left-handed. We adapt slowly. Especially men.

I'm a full-time self supporting musician for over 25 years until recently I started a part time business. As I've known plenty of "Rock Stars" famous and not, I find some of them to be insufferable, entitled and out fo touch. Some Doms remind me of this, they have the same behaviors. I'll throw narcissism into it as well. Resentments though a waste of energy sometimes are rooted in stuff that' lands on the the sub who has self hating or other issues, issues even mental illness. That's what I meant in my first response. There are plenty of Bad behaving Doms out there, acting like assholes. Fortunately for me, I've become good friends with quite a few over the years that are wonderful stand up, solid human beings. Since I've gotten tight with these ladies, I've been privy to some pretty extreme fucked up men some of which are even dangerous in some cases. There are bad and good on both sides. Oh wait, did that sound like a Trump quote? Lol!

I have at times wondered if there is a larger proportion of unstable or disturbed. men involved in seeing Pro Dommes then in the general population. I suspect there are although I don’t think it’s a huge difference and of course I have no proof or statistics. It could be as simple as that the fact that having these bdsm desires is in itself going to cause some to have innate problems in attracting women or relating to them and that leads to the hostility and undesirable behavior you are talking about.

You and other Dommes are much more familiar with the wide variety of clients you get then us clients are. I mean I’m the only male I know with this sexual leaning whereas you’ve seen hundreds. I’d guess the ones who see the Domme/sub relationship as a monetary transaction are the ones more prone to doing that 180 when they don’t get their way.

This is a great topic. Most of the men I've met through femdom are fantastic people. But, now and then, someone would pop up with the resentment syndrome. I always thought of it as someone who has an addiction and they resent us for holding the keys to their "Drug" of choice. I'm glad this is rare.

When I was younger I used to hate that I had submissive feeling. Although I never took it out on women or Dommes for that matter. My take is those guys either don’t really know how to talk to Dommes in the first place. Sure they could of had a bad experience with a Domme, but no need to take it out on all Dommes.

This is a very interesting topic. Just speaking for myself, no, I never held any resentment towards Dominas as a group or profession.

Now, in the decades I've done sessions I have immediately walked out of appointments when I felt the lady was not as advertised or I felt unsafe. I'd usually paid part of the tribute and left quickly. (That happened four or five times since the 1970s, which isn't bad, and that hasn't happened to me in years thanks to the internet.) I've felt resentment towards the individual Dominas in question, not against all the ladies in the profession. To do the latter would be illogical.

As I've gotten older and took a look at my experiences with Dominas and dominant women, is the obvious: I love strong, beautiful women of all shapes, sizes and races. Hell, this is the only way I would have been able to spend quality time being the center of attention of these special and gorgeous women. I love the theatricality, the costuming (for Her and me)… and the fantasy, groveling to get the least bit of affection from the Goddess I'm looking up at. (As for the activities, I have my limits but those limits have evolved over the years.)

My approach, for a long time now, has been that when you see a new Mistress at a dungeon, hotel or their home, they don't know who is coming through that door. Respect that. And secondly, I always try to act in session that the Mistress has hired me for Her entertainment, and not the other way around. That gets me in the proper frame of mind.

All I can say about resentment is that some guys may resent, hours, days or weeks after the session is over, that they couldn't really afford the tribute. But that's not on the Domina, that's on them.

I enjoy going to a Mistress every few months because it's fun and exciting. It's been on my mind since I was a kid, and I have no idea where where the desire came from.....except the first X rated book I ever stumbled across was something like Dr Klow's Spanking Encyclopedia.

Had pretty much the same upbringing as my many siblings, and to my knowledge, Im the only one interested in Mistresses. I probably won't ask any of my siblings about it though.
I'm not sure if this type of fun and excitement makes me a "sub"....but who cares, I enjoy it....AND wish I didn't. Makes life a little more complicated.....but Im not mad at anybody about it

I sort of feel the same way about ice cream. I enjoy it.....AND wish I didn't .......but Im not mad at anybody about it.

For me...that's life.....and I think I'm normal...(the key word there is "think")

I have my thoughts on a nit wit who feels he's entitled to unload on a domme or anyone else.

I think the "everybody gets a trophy" mentality is coming full circle. The "trolls" and "the subs getting crosswise".......... These are the people who act like children, and when they don't get their trophy, they become bullies. They're too cowardly to try and discover what the hell is eating them. Instead they take it out on whoever is denying them.


Maybe he does hate woman or his fantasies....or maybe he's just a miserable fuck......hopefully you'll never know.

So many damn trophies.....and you weren't going to be one of them.......aint that a bitch!

Just my abbreviated two cents
The Driver

Sounds like Eddie Haskell syndrome, the wiseass character from "Leave It To Beaver."

Here's a link if you are not familiar. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Haskell

Ok, here ate my thoughts.

There is some fraction of the population who believe they are or should be entitled to a variety of extra good things. Some of those people are guys and some are women.

Some of these people believe that they have the right to control other people, to expect their love, allegiance and loyalty, despite the person having done little or nothing to merit that love, allegiance and loyalty.

When some person they were hoping would provide the love, allegiance and loyalty does not, they turn on him or her, verbally, physically or both. And the anger of that person often broadens to include insults and denigration of various groups, since the one doing the insults believes, at times rightly, that he will hurt someone's feeling by use of insults against women, dommes, jews, Russians, poles, etc.

Some people like to have someone else or some other group whom they can blame. 100 years ago, it was Germans blaming the jews for their defeats and setbacks in ww1.

5 or so years ago, one guy, yes, blamed sorority women for not dating him and then went and shot some of them in Santa Barabara.

Certain politicians, some Rep and some Dem, find various others to blame, blame, blame.

So . . . There are the Jews who were responsible for the plague . . . Who somehow caused Germany to give up in ww1 . . . Thete is Putin and there is Obama and there are a dozen others we Americans can blame for problems.

And some guys blame dommes and some blame women. Some blame the Jews and others blame.rock stars for corrupting the youth.

According to the bible story, the first dialogue of man with God included man blaming God and the woman for causing problems!

Perhaps I will look up the verse a little later . . . And remember, a few chapters later, there is a woman blaming and accusing a man!

It is simply the nature of many people to find someone to blame.

Maybe we should watch The Battle of Britain.

It makes for great drama. Hitler blames England for dropping bombs on Berlin!

Or see Downfall. Hitler blames xyz and pqr and all the German generals for lying to him and for his defeats!

Lots of people want some person or group to blame. It is natural.

I definitely sympathize with that to a degree.
I've never, ever, ever taken out those conflicting feelings of frustration towards this fetish out on a domme, never even vented or confided these feelings with dommes in a non-anonymous setting, but I do admittedly have feelings of resentment towards myself for having this fetish. And even to a degree I guess resentment of dommes in general for, like you said, "holding the keys".

plz don't flame me for this post lol

+1

It depends on how you define "solid".

Respectfully, I don't see what you describe as a solid. Is it tenable? Sure. But let's be honest: if you can't really be yourself with your own partner that's not usually understood as a function of a solid relationship.

It depends on how you define "solid".

Respectfully, I don't see what you describe as a solid. Is it tenable? Sure. But let's be honest: if you can't really be yourself with your own partner that's not usually understood as a function of a solid relationship

Mistress Tissa
Complex subject. Honestly, I've never felt going to a dominatrix allowed me to be myself....I always felt going was an escape from my real self and the real world.....a fantasy to enjoyed once in a while.

Its great fun, but it doesn't define me, nor does it detract from my ability to have a solid relationship.
When BDSM become socially acceptable, maybe it will be easier for everyone.
The Driver

There are all kinds of people in both sexes. My impression is that a large majority of people I see here are respectful and well mannered. If there is any bias it is in the favor of women, which is not a big surprise considering the nature of the site.

I go by the principle what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, probably not the common view here. I know, in the back of the mind of many readers, probably the guy was romantically interested, was rejected, and this is the cause of the change. For situations like these you are obviously right.

However there is as well the equal possibility that the Pro Domme did something to disappoint or hurt the other guy, in which case his reaction might be normal. My opinion is that there are only individual cases, they should be judged by their own merits, and aggregating is not easy.

ding ding ding!!!

While most of the men I've met through femdom are fantastic people, I've come across what you are describing a few times over the years. My feeling is that they have a fetish addiction and resent that we hold the keys. The hate they throw toward us is projection of how they feel about their the slavery they are in to the own fetishes. I've always avoided the type that are OCD about their fetishes. I feel bad for them but don't want any part of an unhealthy relationship with kink.

It is a turn off to see men act like assholes to women. I don't care what the reason is. I don't want to see that kind of behavior.

People who are polite,respectful and kind (regardless of whether they are a Domme or a sub, male or female) are always my preferences. Life's too short..... others should be avoided/ignored.

The most spot on answer yet. Thanks, Cheyenne.

This is exactly the personality type I think of when reminded of this issue.
I've experienced this the most when the "sub" feels rejected, and therefore insecure.

For example; A client asking to push limits I'm not comfortable with, A sub being denied a request, A slave being disciplined for bad behavior.

I think these men involved in the scene have a certain entitlement that makes them feel as though they don't have to take responsibility for their actions, and that their needs are somehow more important than a Woman's own personal boundaries. They often have this attitude that says, "Its not my actions that caused any issues its the big-bad-Domme who's saying NO and sticking to their guns who's the problem!"

They usually pretend to want to be Dominated, but what they really want is to have control over their Dommes.

Just another hissy fit from a man-child who can't get their way in my opinion!

+1 :-)

You're dead on Sister. There's a man-child behind every bush in the scene!

I don't want to distract from the great meeting of the minds but there was a really remarkable post originally, from a remarkable man, which maybe deserved a little more recognition:

You put it so well, Mistress. I see that here and there in lifestyle groups. I've come across a few that are so toxic with this type of drama that everyone drops out and they fade away. #LifeisBetterwithSwitches. (Both kinds)