Reference etiquette

More often now Mistresses are requiring references in order to book. I don't mind this and can provide references but if I am trying to get something set up within a couple of days this can be a problem. Sometimes the Mistresses I give as references don't get back to the one asking and that jams me up with scheduling and kind of makes me look bad. Is there a way to make this go more smoothly? Do some Mistresses just not like providing a reference?

subjohn, good question. More than a decade ago if a Mistress asked for a reference and you asked a previous Domina you served for one, sometimes the answer was, "Why do you want to see HER?"

Today this is standard practice for any legit Mistress. I'm dedicated to only one Mistress now (and session rarely). But four or five years ago when this started and I was seeing new Dominas. If I needed a reference I would contact two Mistresses I knew to see if they would be willing to provide a reference. THEN I'd contact the Mistress for more information, scheduling, etc.

The two Mistresses, still active, real pros and nice people, are now based in California and rarely travel to NYC where I lived at the time. That, for me, avoided the awkward question. Good luck!

If you write an intelligent, one paragraph request giving your experience level, what type of session you're looking for, and your name on a couple of BDSM boards (FetLife and Maxfisch are good), it's not clear to me that references matter all that much. In recent years I've been including Domme's names, email addresses and their sites as references. You may skate by without an actual reference reply.

I do send an email to the Dommes to expect a reference request.

I don't see this as much in bdsm, but it's standard operating procedure in FBSM. For that, my process is:

1. Ask my reference, in advance, if she would be willing to serve as a reference (they always say "yes"). If I know I'm going to be scheduling on a short timeframe, I'll let her know that too "I know you're super busy and understand if you can't do it in time, but I'm hoping to book for Saturday, so anything you can do would be appreciated."

2. Set up time & date with new FBSM girl

3. Re-contact my reference to let her know exactly who will be contacting her. "I'm looking to book an appointment with CarrieCMT CarrieHothands@Pretendmail.com, so you can expect an inquiry from her, thanks!"


I want my reference to 1. approve being a reference, 2. know exactly who will be contacting her.

Sometimes, things happen too quickly and step 2 is actually what happens first -- I end up having an email exchange and booking a time with the new provider first. In which case, I combine steps 1 & 3, but still always seek her approval, and let her know who will be contacting her, in most cases before I give her deets to the new provider

Everything usually goes very smoothly

Unfortunately some Dommes are not willing to put in effort for something if they don't gain from it financially. It's really upsetting since the reference system helps all of us stay safe.

Also had a Domme tell me to "stay far away from" a sub I was already seeing for months because she didn't want him going to someone else. Ugh.

As with anything, the more you plan ahead, the more likely something will go smoothly.

When you're trying to book a Domme only a couple days in advance and she doesn't have any idea who you are, be prepared that it won't happen.

I always suggest that clients check with the Dommes they want to use as references before they provide them to me. That way, the Domme is aware and ready, and I'm less likely to have to send multiple messages on your behalf.

Intelligence and public accounts are great but don't equal a legit pro vouching for you.

I have had some guys who act like just their "word" that they're safe to play with should be good enough.

Let me tell you guys something: sociopaths can be the most intelligent, charismatic, well-connected people who may be very polite in conversation and pay their deposits promptly. Then, when they have you in a room alone, they assault you. Or they end up being a stalker who terrifies you -- or even your clients.

If you want to be safe in this industry, you have to be smart. Some Dommes will take safety risks see anyone with cash. Some Dommes are aware of the risks they take, some aren't.

I'm always wary of guys who act like providing a reference is a bother or a deal-breaker or try to get around it somehow. I see that as a red flag.

Dommes who are offended by being asked to or refuse to provide a reference are probably insecure. I truly understand that some people are afraid of losing clients but, hey, this is a business and whether you're willing to provide the reference or not, the client is going to do what they want to do. All your refusal does is makes you look unprofessional and too selfish to care about other people's safety.

I'm sure most pro Dommes have a story about how a reference or blacklist info saved them from some high-risk client. Or, in the very least, allowed them to make more informed choices about who they were going to invite into a room alone with them.

For what it's worth, I've had loads of references get back to me slowly/not at all and I don't think I've ever judged a client for it.

There's not much you can do. Swordfish's suggestion to reach out to your reference and let her know to expect the request is a good one. Mistress Tissa's suggestion to book farther in advance if the domme requires references is also solid. You can also give numerous references in hopes that at least one of them will answer her emails quickly. That's about all your options.

A well-written email that mentions your willingness to give a deposit may also speed things along considerably. A lot of Mistresses use references because they're easier to get than deposits, and will sometimes accept a deposit instead.

Hello sub john,

Some Dommes are "reference friendly" and others aren't. It could be as DommeLynx described, that they don't want their clients to go elsewhere (which I agree is ridiculous) or they are just lazy. After Fosta passed I saw a number of Dommes announce that they wouldn't be vouching for clients because they didn't want to be accused of trafficking. WTF? I saw this as an excuse not to participate in a necessary procedure that helps keep us all safe.

I am a reference friendly Domme and try to be prompt in returning inquiries from other Dommes because I know a delay will hold up the booking process. As many have stated it does speed up the process if you reach out to the Mistress you plan to use as a reference ahead of time. When someone asks me to provide a reference I usually have to look the person up and go through past correspondence in order to give an intelligent reply. So if a sub reaches out, I can go ahead and do that leg work and be able to reply immediately when I get an inquiry. Also, let the other Domme know how you are known to the Domme providing the reference. Some Dommes text, some email, etc. If a Mistress asks be to give a reference to sub john with ## phone number, I will have no idea who that is. Personally, I need an email address and if you are one of those guys that changes your email from time to time, provide the old email.

I think on the sub end, guys don't understand that this can be a bit time consuming for the Domme giving the reference if she can't immediately recall you. I always look up old correspondence and check my blacklist to make sure I have it right. I've had guys list me as a reference and after digging found out they were a no show. One guy used me the other day and we had tons of emails going back and forth but he never followed through with a booking. Se we literally have to do some research on some inquiries before giving a reply. Be aware of that.

Also, if you use a Domme regularly as a reference and you don't see her on a pretty regular basis, a tribute or a gift will go along way in her continuing to answer those emails.

Etiquette for Dommes: If you consistently ask a particular provider to vet clients - do something nice for them. When I travel I am regularly asking the go to Dommes in that city to vet. When that happens I send them a gift off their wish list. Also, a nice "thank you" when a Domme does the research to vet someone is common courtesy. About a year ago I spent at least 20 minutes trying to track down a guy that was using me as a reference with a Domme in California. I finally figured out who he was and suggested the Domme get a big deposit because the guy had a history of flaking and using multiple email address. She never bothered to acknowledge that I had even replied. Bad manners!

Thank you all for your replies and advice. The step I have been missing is giving the Mistress that I am using as a reference a heads up. I will do better in the future and hopefully get a better result. I also never thought of sending a little gift to the ones I use more than once or twice. Makes sense.

As a lifetime sub i was always hesitant to ask any prior Domme for a reference. But, NOW, my sub life is dramatically changed. As She offered in this forum, Mistress Ayn is very reference friendly. As HER slave, i would never reach out to a Domme unless i had Mistress Ayn's blessing, which makes Her reaching out to the new Domme easier. i am SO contended with having a single Alpha Mistress that seeing a new Dommes is only due to location or if She offers some additional training for me.
But, thinking about it, subs, we have the luxury of reading a new Domme's website so we have been introduced to Her. Some subs are less eloquent in introducing themselves and then there is the issue of authenticity.
A reference is an important opportunity - please coordinate that with your past Domme. It will lay a stronger foundation when seeking to serve a new Domme.

I get this. NONE OF US want our clients to go elsewhere. But part of being a professional and an adult is understanding that's how it goes sometimes. People may want to go to other providers.



Yes, I agree that this doesn't just apply to subs but other Dommes as well.



This is actually a big pet peeve of mine. I have taken the time to give other Dommes helpful reference info and some haven't even bothered to say "thank you". I mean, I just did something to help facilitate your safety and income and you can't even acknowledge my reply?

As I've said: I'm not shocked by people's fantasies, I'm shocked by their lack of manners.

Working in a Dungeon with multiple Dommes has desensitized me to this. We share subs often and if one of my regulars is coming to town and I can't see him, I will gladly refer him to one of my Sisters and they do the same for me. If he ends up meshing with someone else better, then great for them. If we act like adults and professionals as you mention, it all comes back around eventually. It's when people start acting petty and fearful that can really cause them to lose clients.



100% agree. Preach it!

Really good point that brings up the point that: if you have a "main" domme, you can make asking for references a fun part of the play. I had a main domme where this eventually evolved to: if I wanted to see another domme and ask for a reference, I'd send her a 10s video of me on my knees (no face showing), asking permission to see Mistress so-and-so and permission to list her as my reference. If she approved it (she usually did), I'd send her a cheap little something off her gift list. In all honesty, all of this was more for me than her -- I loved asking her permission, I loved the theater involved, and the little gift assuaged any inappropriate guilty feelings I had over it.

Obviously, if you're mistress-hopping or don't have a single mistress you're most devoted to, this won't work