Clients As Friends?

I was saying goodbye to a favorite submissive. He caught me completely by surprise by saying, "I'm so lucky to have you as my best friend." I've had subs say all kinda weird things after sessions, but this made me think. Are clients really friends? If I met this person in a laundromat, would we be having lunch in two weeks?

I welcome comments from both Dommes and subs.

That is such a touchy line. Boundaries are important for both subs and, doms. In my 20 years in the prodom scene, I've found amazingly beautiful friends, whom I met as clients or, video subs. In my experience, about 25% are people that you would spend time with, even if you met them while working in an office environment. You've just got to dodge the energy vampires, as you would in any other walk of life.

As far as his comment that you are his "Best friend," Who hasn't felt that way about their pilates instructor or, amazing masseuse? Every thing, as it is intended, maybe?

A lot of clients will never be friends. Prodommes are also into discretion for the sake of their own lives. So, no friendly "hello"s when bumping into each other in pubic.

Knowing someone too much as a human ruins the BDSM chemistry for some subs. I imagine that is also the case for prodommes.

I've read prodommes in the past write that having someone as a friend first, then a client, would create a lot of emotionally awkward situations. I imagine subs who are higher EQ would probably agree with.

OTOH I think there is a lot of room for clients to become friends the way one might be friends with their lawyer, doctor, investment person, acupuncturist, etc.

In another thread, on another board, a prodomme lamented how a regular client of years disappeared one day. She doesn't know if he is alive or dead, well or not. She wrote that if he had to stop sessioning she would have valued a brief goodbye message letting her know he is okay.

I think that is how I would go if I saw a prodomme regularly and became friends with her the way I am with my accupuncturist or investment person. If she decided to retire I would value a message and if I decided to move to the other side of the planet I would let her know and say goodbye.

I really enjoyed interacting with my physical therapist. He recommended a pilates instructor/personal trainer at my gym if I wanted to continue with guidance. I don't want to go back to 7am workouts, but I should give that person a call.

It does seem intriguing that the pilates people have a device they call "the reformer". LOL!

LOL! My pilates instruct is a sadist. She gets a kick out of it too. When leading a class and, she knows everyone is worn out, she says ten more. Then counts 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 6, 6, ect. She laughs and, smiles the entire time. It reminds me of my old caning videos. In between shoots one of my video slaves said, "Mistress, you don't know how to count."

Some clients are naturally friendly and they will regard a number of people they meet or know as their friends . . . There will be between 1 and 20 or 30% of the population like that. I have no idea what the % would be, but I would think there was something wrong with me if I did not regard several of the dommes I have seen as friends.

I regard as friends some people I have met once and may not meet again in this lifetime. I regard them as friends because they are nice in some way or ways . . .

It is a compliment; some of the people I regard as friends I would regard as friends unless and until they were lying to me or not keeping appointments of whatever kind: lunch, dinner, massage, workout, domination session, etc.

The question is whether or not, as part of being the domme, a domme will lie, deceive or cheat in a way that the sub/guy regards as seriously unfair? I do not know! And, would such deception or lying accomplish a meaningful goal?

Perhaps he was still in Sub-Space.

Not surprising, there are many people that are starving for human connection, almost regardless of the nature of that connection.

It happens often for more conventional "providers", where the entire time is spent talking (sort of like a GFE).

Why wouldn't that be the case for BDSM, where people are often resurrecting a part of themselves, experiencing a sort of awakening, of something that has been suppressed for vast majority of their lives.

The feelings that come along with that can be very powerful.

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Best friends is probably hyperbole, but in a nice way. Like any other business, some relations are mostly transactional and sometimes you just come across people you like and sometimes you do have a chance to be friends with someone you wouldn't have talked to in the laundromat. People are interesting that way. I would take it as a compliment and laugh a little.

Unlike other businesses, people tell us their deepest, darkest secretes and live a whole life that they can't even talk about outside our dungeon walls. Sometimes we might forget, as normal and day-to-day it is for us, these are monumental moments for many of our clients and they share them with us. I quite like that bond and ability to be the one to see under the "dark veil."

It is a personal thing. It depends on both parties. There are subs more likely to make friends and there are mistresses more likely to do that. The content of their sessions is important. Sessions high on protocol and role playing are less likely to generate friendships.

Frankly this is not something I expect when I meet a new mistress. However if I meet somebody I like a lot as a person and this can and does happen I want to be friends as much as if we met in different circumstances. Like any other relation it is something which develops over time and organically.

You piqued my curiosity with the energy vampires, because I often hear mistresses talking about energy as a non renewable resource. So there is something to do with the job here, something I do not understand.

While this is something I know that I don't know I am even more surprised to hear that coming from you. I see you as an Energizer Bunny, ready to accept at a moment notice arguments with strangers about politics. So what can you possibly see as an energy vampire? Btw I come from Transylvania.

Most of my clients were an absolute blast. Now and, then, there would be the ones that were just there to take. I guess that is okay if they were paying for a session but, they were not there to anyone's actual friend. They would look to take advantage of a lady's private time by pretending they wanted to be a friend or, a personal slave. This usually came from clients with such strong fetishes that they were owned by them. It was like an itch that could never be scratched. They wanted someone on the endless treadmill with them. One of these clients, I was fond of. We had a blast in session. But, he couldn't free himself of that energy depleting demon. If I invited him to a party, there was always a complaint afterwards. If he came out to shoot with ClubDom and, had to wait for his scene, he was pacing and, wringing his hands. Any social event, he'd be sulking in a corner because he wasn't getting enough attention. Again, I really cared for this man but, it was exhausting to be his friend. The trick with fetishes is to stay on top of them instead of letting them get on top of you. They should be fun and, enjoyable. Not a monkey on someone's back. It is like trying to be friends with an addict. The addiction will always come first. That is the best I can describe it.

As far as energy in sessions go, that is a great question. It is a renewable source. Even in the best sessions, a lot of energy is given away. It can be draining. They talk about recovery time for a sub. But, doms need it too. Just like a good work out at the gym. You've got to take time to let your mind and, body replenish.

The intimacy and intensity of Domina / sub sessions and interactions can understandably generate that phrase "best friend" from sub to Domina even though, especially in the beginning, the relationship is by nature transactional.

In my experience over a lot of years and more than a few Dominas, I became friends with at least two of my longtime Mistresses. We confided in each other, I helped them with some marketing in their vanilla careers / businesses, we went out for lunch or dinner socially. Of course tributes were still paid for (I made deposits in their checking accounts) but I received special privileges such as sessions in their apartments. They weren't clock watchers either. Yes... I've been very lucky.

One retired from the scene and, eventually told me not to contact her anymore which was difficult but I respected her wishes. The other Mistress is still active but under-the-radar and does not advertise anymore. We still session a couple or more times a year and keep in touch.

As for the addiction question, with both I've been in the deepest subspace ever. At times I wallowed in it, to the detriment of part of my day-to-day life. On the whole I've valued both friendships.

I have to add this. Thinking about this the past day or two the word "privileges" cropped up, separately, with both Mistresses I became friends with. In both cases they reminded me the intimacies we shared were privileges that each one could be eliminate immediately.

My feeling is that when barriers come down between a Mistress and sub, such as sessioning in Her home, is a very heady experience even for the most experienced of subs. It is quite intimate and, if you're not careful, could be addictive and destructive for one, if not both parties involved.

In my experience I was never a lover or "significant other" of the two Dominas I mention. We never switched. Yet the physical intimacies I was encouraged to provide - massage and grooming to name two - I know would never be offered, advertised, promoted, etc. by any Mistress I've ever heard of. The whole experience with both was highly intoxicating, but as I said, could be destructive if you can't accept it the proper way.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone, but I had to share.

Thank you for your input on this subject. I have a regular Domina and I wonder how our dome-sub relationship could develop into a friendship on another level. I realize of course that it would have to be totally on her terms, and that her life priorities may pre-empt any such relationship at any time.

I definitely care about my clients. But I tend not to want to become more than professional friends with them.

For me, keeping healthy boundaries is necessary for me to avoid burnout and the sometimes weirdness than happens when a client starts to have desires or demands of you that you can't fulfill.

In my experience, prior to being a pro Domme, loosening those boundaries has been something I regretted.

Makes total sense to me. There are a lot of times on this board that I refer to some of my Dommes and refuse to state their actual names for this reason. Because of our relationship and how it had developed beyond pure Pro/client, which may or may not include becoming "friends", I am given certain experiences that are not available to normal clients even if they are willing to pay for those experiences.

I once jokingly posted a thread about a Domme being drunk and on her period that was supposed to be read as "how do I get myself into these messes” kind of thing. Everyone here jumped on it and was like ”I would never let someone play with me when they were drunk” and ”I would just leave if that happened to me” because they took it as a normal Pro session I showed up for.

My reality was that I was basically living with her as a full-time slave for a few days in something that really resembled a lifestyle relationship rather than Pro/client, so she was just living her life and I was allowed to be a part of it. That is not something you can ever contract with a Pro Domme for (although there was a monetary transaction between us as part of my visit to her) nor can you expect your Dominant partner in a D/s relationship to stop being "The Domme" because she was drinking while hanging out with friends.

It is an intimacy that is her choice to offer and a type of friendship but still one with major limits. I am ridiculously lucky in that I have several Women that see and treat me in a way that is beyond the Pro/client boundaries, just like you have had with those two women. It does afford me many privileges and opportunities and it radically changes the experience of both the relationship and our play (although not always in a good way from a kink perspective).

However, with this intimacy comes a responsibility. I am constantly forced to keep in mind that I am not their lover. We are not dating. I am not a friend that they talk to and just decide to get together to do something with on a random Tuesday because neither of us has plans. I may be a special client (maybe even their most special one), but ultimately I am still viewed as a client no matter how connected I feel to them and there are still monetary transactions at the heart of everything (which can be the most confusing aspect because the "business” expectations within these relationships seems to be the one thing they really want to avoid talking about).

That means a distance that can be hurtful at times. It means a much larger chance of losing that relationship by crossing a boundary that you may not even know exists (it is easy to know that you show up at an appointed time and say "Yellow” when something is making you uncomfortable, but much harder to know when/how it is appropriate to express how you are feeling about something in the relationship that she has almost total control over). It means having a real and honest view of who, and what, you are to her and the ability to accept that.

It is a dangerous game we play as subs when we cross the easily defined boundaries of Pro/client into the fuzziness of something more than that but less than a full-on real life one, but the rewards of it are generally worth the risk in my opinion.

I think it all depends on the Domme and the sub and how they go about. One Domme I saw made it clear from the get go she didn’t want to know anything about my personal life nor was she going to share hers either. I was fine with that and could understand why. Other Dommes were different one was having car problems so I helped her out a ride and money. I don’t consider that I need to be friends with a Domme to make it work.