Negative Review

Last week, I had a session with a new submissive. Everything seemed great, with nothing out of the ordinary. Three days later I receive an email containing a nasty negative review. He was angry because I didn't include his "Number 1" fetish.

His "Number 1 fetish" was actually a Number 2 fetish. The interesting part of his diatribe, concluded with, "You do scat ya should've known that's my thing!"

I have never claimed to be clairvoyant, or the scat whisperer. I politely informed him that lack of communication is the best way to ruin a session!

Yes, lack of communication is the best way to ruin a session. It is funny that how much things change, over generations, how much they stay the same. About 3% of the clients and, video slaves I came across over the years had a similar "Read my mind. Be a slave to my fetish attitude." When they didn't get what they wanted, they were angry. And, when they did get what they wanted, they were back again, like a drug addict, upset if they didn't get the same "High" they did last time. These type of folks have the maturity of a 2 year old of a two year old who dropped their lollypop in the sandbox.

On the flip side, this reminds me of a long time client, who is one of my best friends, to this day. The first time he came to see me, I thought it was a great session. Nothing crazy but, fun. He sent an email later and, politely told me that he was disappointed but wanted to see me again. I thought, wow, this guy doesn't even know what he wants so, how can I? I agreed to a second session, decided to throw activities out the window and, asked him to simply tell him how he imagined himself feeling. For whatever reason, we had a blast. He saw me every week for the next ten years, with the occasional weekend session. Although I retired years ago, he's still a part of my life. None of that would have happened if he had not had the maturity to talk to me after our first session.

Sounds like your recent client exposed himself, early on, to be one of "Those guys" that isn't worth your time.

Fortunately I learned the importance of communication (and we ended up having a good laugh over my error) many years ago. I lived in the Bay Area and called Queen Adrena in LA to set up a session for 10:30 on a Saturday. Got up early and took a PSA flight down, got a rental car at the airport and called her to confirm I was on my way over. Ah, she thought our session was for 10:30 PM and I thought it was 10:30 AM!!! She had something going on but re-arranged her schedule and was able to see me by noon and we had a fabulous session. First I appreciated her helping smooth out my mistake. Second, I learned to make sure about minor details about such things as time, etc. when booking sessions, especially when traveling some distances.

Sometimes you just can't win. I had a gentleman arrive disappointed that I wasn't wearing a latex dress (He never mentioned anything about latex or dresses).

On top of that, he wanted strap. It's physically impossible to do that in a latex dress. Ugh. People don't think.

MsRoseWoods,

You have touched on an important and challenging issue. How subs and Dommes communicate is key to a fruitful experience for both.

I recall my very first session and wanting to communicate well, but not having any idea of what I wanted, despite research because I had no experience and didn't know myself. I knew what I thought I wanted, but that's different.

What impressed me about your post was that the sub in your case seemed to have some experience. This increases his responsibility in the communication process.

As one in the submissive role, I wrestle when communicating with not topping from the bottom, or demanding more than appropriate and sharing needs. That balance can off either because of the subs style of communicating or the Domme's perceptions and sensitivities.

Experience helps both parties get it right.

I actually had a very similar experience once related to the day (rather than time) and a Domme who was originally from Eastern Europe. I was in town with friends and told her I couldn't come until 1am (which was actually more acceptable to her than 1pm).

The problem was that 1am is technically the next day and there was confusion about Friday night/Saturday morning (which is what I meant) vs Saturday night/Sunday morning (which is what she thought). So, when I called to confirm on Friday at 11pm, she was like "WTF?".

She had her own private dungeon and no conflicts so she was easily able to adjust her plans to actually meet at 2am, but I did take what I consider to be an undeserved punishment for it (I still feel I was clear and the fact that English is a 2nd or 3rd language for her led to the misunderstanding more than me not communicating... but, the Domme is always right in these circumstances). Now, when I need to do something later at night with her, I try for 11:59pm or use the double date convention I did in the previous paragraph.

Due to an abiding interest in c/nc I am on the over-communicating end of the spectrum. But even from that perch, I can make an observation on this.

By the time the lad contacts you Divas (Divae?), he has run this scene through his mind (and other parts) 1000 times. It's on a movie reel that he can call up at a moment's notice. At least 100 of those times You were there. Were You not paying attention to the part about scat and wearing a specially engineered latex dress that somehow has a strap-on opening?

It is by then so real and so tangible that an expectation arises that it must be apparent to You in whom this dream is now invested.

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. And so on......

Very good observation and so very, very true.

I think this is a good topic for all to think about. Regarding an unsatisfying session, when should a sub write a negative review and when should they just move on?

I've had mostly wonderful experiences with ProDommes and I've limited myself to only writing reviews where I feel I can be positive. But there have been a few rare instances of "bad" sessions. All of them were due to poor communication. When those issues of communication have been my fault, I always just swallow my dissatisfaction and move on with a lesson learned.

But, there have been clear times when the communication issues have been on the Dommes side. I always describe the tenor of the session I'm looking for and list particular interests. When in email my interests are described as highly compatible, but then the session takes a completely different tone, I'm left a bit upset and can feel somewhat scammed. I've sometimes contacted the Domme after such a session and explained my dissatisfaction. I figure she might be able to use it as constructive criticism, but sometimes these devolve into a "blame game" where I'm told why I should have expected her to be a certain way.

However, contacting the Domme is one thing and posting a negative review is something completely different. These reviews affect the number of inquiries a Domme gets. So I've yet to post a negative review.

Besides, it's way more fun to post about positive experiences and boost the profiles of those exceptionally wonderful Dommes out there.

what about guys who like to be surprised by your depravity, and figure that, if you are overboard, they will have to stop you or just permit you to be bad?

there are guys who see mistresses on that basis, but they are less nasty about it!

Ugh, this is a bummer and I think future pet's response is spot on.

Regarding communication, we walk a fine line sometimes. I have had plenty of guys not want to complete my application but in my opinion it is the bare minimum of what I require to make sure I have a bead on a sub's interests and mindset. They don't want to fill it out, then they don't get a session.

Sorry this happened to you.

The subject of actually posting a negative review is a good one. I completely agree with your statement above and encourage the sub and the Domme to work out any negativity privately. Once something is posted online, it often can't be taken back and yes, it can cause damage to a Domme's career.

However, issues that involve safety are another matter entirely. If a Domme is unsafe and doesn't appropriately acknowledge the transgression when confronted with it, then that may be grounds for "outing" the behavior with a negative review. Just my 2 cents. At some point it becomes a public service to let others know about serious issues regarding unsafe play.

You pose an interesting question regarding when it is appropriate to post a negative review on a session experience.

I've posted a number of reviews on MF and they have all been positive in tone. That's not say that every session I have had has been what I had hoped, but I don't want to negatively impact someone's livelihood because I caught them on a bad day. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

I would not hesitate to post a negative review if I felt that I was the victim of outright fraud. I think subs should share that kind of information whenever it is experienced. I would also not hesitate to post a negative review if I had a session with a Domme who was obviously under the influence of drugs/alcohol or if the Domme whose play was blatantly dangerous and unsafe.

Other than that, live and let live!

Tabula,

I have posted some negative reviews but my reasoning has always been somewhat similar to yours. If I can trace the source the poor experience to a communication issue, even if it was hers, I just let it go. However, if I feel that this particular Domme has some flaw that would play out in the sessions of other client subs I have posted negative reviews.

I have never posted a bad review, although I have (like probably anyone that has had more than one session) had bad and/or unsatisfying sessions.

The issue(s) would have to be pretty egregious for me to do so.

po

Sounds like a budding grade A Narcissist to me.

Was the review "public"?
Is he new to you or completely new to the scene?

Use the 24 hour clock

Filling out the application form, entirely and intelligently should always be the minimum requirement.

I assume you meant this as a reply to Marstoy, since my miscommunication was about the date of a 1am session which would have been the same in either a 12 hour or 24 hour clock.

yes

Personally I find it challenging requesting sessions.

I have been told that I am topping from the bottom when I am detailed in my request. I give my past experiences and new areas I would like to explore but sometimes it is viewed unfavorably. This usually relates to bondage.

If I list out of kinks it gives an idea of my interests but they try to do everything on the list and it doesn’t make for a good session. For example I have had spanking and cbt to last a few minutes each.

For new dommes I try to do an hour. It gives me an idea of their interests and experiences. Most of the time I am looking for more intensity and pain but Domme wants to treat it as a getting to know you type session which is a waste of time and money.

Pegged,

I wiuld like to try to help. I agree that requesting first Sessions and hitting the correct balance between communicating what you want & enjoy vs it seeming like you are handing them a script to follow can be difficult. Especially when talking about past experiences.

One thing I learned from filling out Mistress Ultra Violet's application years ago (and have used with many Dommes since then) is to not only communcate activities but also something about demeanor/attitude. Saying I want you to act this way or that to a Domme can definitely come across as topping, but stating it in the following way has been very successful for me:

"I prefer intensity, connectivity and intimacy between myself and a Domme when I am in her control but from an attitude perspective I want you to have fun and enjoy everything you are doing while being totally aggressive and somewhat evil in your play choices (whether sensual or sadistic)."

This particular description may not resonate with what you enjoy in session, but I hope it can be an example to build from. It gives a Domme room to be in control of everything while still communicating how to push my buttons in a way that will make it so I truly enjoy my session.

As for activities and limits, I essentially give bullet points rather than going into details... and I make sure to say that I don't expect to hit everything on my list but want to just give them knowledge. When a Domme wants more (or before we start on the day), I can fill in as many details as they wish.

My experience is that the best Dommes intuit what things go well with each other, and truly turn me on, based on that information. Plus, they end up teaching me and delivering an experience that I didn't even know I craved because I gave them that room.

It can backfire into a crappy session if the Domme just isn't that good, or if we are just incompatible, but that is where I trust my own research and intuition in choosing who to see in the first place. Hopefully these ideas help you in some ways and don't come across as arrogantly telling you how to do things... I am only trying to respond to you stating that sometimes you have issues in first encounters and I have been very successful in my own approach to that.

Detailed requests can be awkward. I'm long retired. But when I was active with sessions, it could be difficult to tell if someone expected me to follow every detail of their request or, simply take their email as a roadmap. My personal experience was that roadmaps work better than trying to act out, detail by detail, someone's fantasy. Reality rarely matches fantasy.

If you are looking for more intensity, I have to wonder if starting with a 2 hour session wouldn't be better. You sound like an experienced player. How as it gone when you've started with a longer session?

I agree with many here who have said communication is the key to a successful session, especially the first one, whether it is via phone, email, text - whichever the Mistress feels more comfortable with.

I also post on a female bodybuilding site which has a forum or three on FBBs who do sessions. With my "Amazon/Tarzan" fantasy where "Tarzan" becomes a sub, I think my advice there could work here.

1. Think with the head on your shoulders and not the one between your legs. READ the Mistress' page of likes/dislikes etc. and don't project your fetishes onto her - even if she looks like your ideal Goddess. "No" usually means No.

2. If you do roleplay with fetishes like I do, provide an outline. Clearly state it is only and outline. Politely ask about wardrobe. DON'T dictate dialogue! That's really topping from the bottom. As one FBB who was also a world-class domina once said to me after two or three sessions and were planning another, "Anticipation pet, anticipation." After session or three a real Mistress will know best.

3. Gentlemen, it is obvious but shower, shave, groom yourself for the lovely professional who you will be visiting with. I know, it's obvious, but I've read and heard of plenty of complaints by Dominas about that over the years. They are dealing with your submissiveness and fetishes. The least you can do is dress neatly especially if it is a public scene.

Finally, here is one that developed naturally for me over the years. I begin to fantasize about the session the day before. By the time I am at Her door in my mind She has hired me to serve Her, to give Her entertainment. I mentioned that to a couple of Dominas and FBBs who I have served several times after sessions and more than one said, "That explained your behavior," and appreciated it.

Asp

Appreciate your reply. Really liked all your points and will definitely use them when I book another session

Appreciate the reply and feedback.

I have had 2 hour sessions and they have been great. Those were with Dommes I have sessioned with multiple times so we have a great connection.

My main problem is I have moved so I am trying to find someone new. I have bitten the bullet a few times to be more open minded. To give a domme a chance even though I had some reservations.

In the world of Amazon many are purchasing their equipment from there. I can go further but I’ll leave it as that. You probably got the point though.

I seriously feel your pain on this one. We Dommes can get prickly and sometimes and things can easily get misconstrued. Personally speaking I have difficulty reconciling the service nature of this business with my dominant personality. Yes, the sub is paying for the session but I have to feel that I am in control and doing the things that I want to do (within their limits/interests). I suspect I am not alone in this.

The subs here have offered you some really good advice and I can't add much to that - other than to give you the Domme's perspective. Nomenclature and phrasing are huge. If someone says, "I want to be tied by the wrist with a two column tie and then have that attached to my ankle so I can't wriggle at all.", that feels totally different to me than someone saying, "I love bondage that doesn't allow much movement. Feeling completely helpless is my goal. Rope has worked well in the past, but I am open to your preferred bondage style."

I realize that this is like playing a game with words, but for me that can really make a lot of difference. It's in the framing of your request. I like to at least see that someone is making an effort to let me enjoy myself and be in control.

I have a delightful sub whose first language is not English - which can make things even more tricky. He will send me emails like this: "I have been a lazy slave and I know you will punish me when we meet. Last time when you beat me with the cane was so painful and humiliating and I am afraid you will do that again. I hope you will not." I know that is exactly what he hopes I will do. However, if I don't he will never mention his disappointment and we have never had a bad session. I am not suggesting you use his approach but I wanted to let you know that we can be malleable if things are presented the right way.


This sounds like something an inexperienced Domme would do and I would think you could eliminate this type of problem in session with more research.

In another reply here you stated that you had moved and are trying to find a good Domme to establish an ongoing relationship. I might suggest that you give us the general area you are in, along with some of your interests and things that are important to you and someone here might be able to give you a suggestion.

Appreciate the reply Mistress Ayn. Definitely agree this board has been great on the subject and I have a lot of great pointers.

Always been great with numbers and never with words. Plagues me to this day. I will definitely use your twist in words.

Spot on in saying the Dommes I saw were young. This goes to another subject which is most Dommes are new, young, and so it comes with caveats. I am finding the older ones have been slowly retiring or unavailable as they have older people to look after. This makes scheduling of sessions extremely difficult. No fault to their own on this.

I am in the Raleigh area. Used to live in Charlotte. I have come to the conclusion that if I want to session it will have to be there as I have given up locally. My problem is too many scenarios go through my head about traveling there and back in a single day

Very challenging issue indeed. I admittedly am not the best at communicating. I recognize it as a fault, however, I dont understand how you expect a Domme to just know what you like and then be pissed and go so far as to write a negative review if you didnt experience exactly what you thought you should.

I was in the same boat recently having a first session and not really knowing what I liked and didnt like. But, I filled out the required form before my first session and was open about what I thought I would like. You can't go into a session with a script in your mind on how it will all play out. If you truly want to be submissive, in my opinion, you need to be open to experiencing whatever pleases the Domme within your interests.

I can also see the difficulty in communicating wants and not being seen as trying to top from the bottom. Mistress Ayn and Asp had great suggestions.

Sorry MsRoseWoods he left a negative review. There is always excellent advice on this board. People like him should probably spend some time here reading and learning before complaining he didnt get what he wanted.

Sorry that happened to you, Ms. Rose.

Unfortunately, there's always going to be a client who doesn't know how to articulate their needs and then blames us for it.

I'd just follow up with the client and try to work things out.

You can purchase dungeon furniture from Amazon?! Things are different these days. I feel fortunate to have enjoyed my Dom livelihood in the late 90's/early 2000's. I hope you find someone that connects with you. Life is too short not to have fun playtime now and, again. :-)

Cheynne, Thanks for your comment. He certainly wasn't worth a shit!

Thanks marstoy, I believe the old saying. “Everything is complicated if no one explains it to you.”

DommeLynx, Thanks for the response. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Thanks tabula. Fortunately he didn't post the review. He decided to express his displeasure in an email.

Poester, He didn't post the review. His diatribe was sent to me in an email. I checked his references,they came back A-OK. However, I don't personally know the Dommes he listed.

This might work very well if the guy has a fantasy and the objective of the session is to fulfill it. To me a first session looks more like a game or a number of games you can play. You have to give a few pointers about which games you are into, and things you absolutely hate, in my case humiliation. I am curious what the mistress brings to the game. Could be things I would not know to ask for. The most important thing is the attitude, to try to find out what the other likes and a sense of fun and experimentation. I see myself as an active partner in the session. I do not believe in preset plans, and if a mistress cannot get the room temperature and customize her plan from the reactions she is getting this will not be an ideal session.

But if the session does not go well I take responsibility too. After all I started this, I initiated the session and I chose the mistress. Having done that I relax because I do not worry about things I cannot control.