Code Words

How do you feel about them? I don't see there as being a right or, wrong way to keep an eye on limits and, safety in session. It is different for everyone and, every situation.

For me, I stopped using code words early into my career as a ProDom. This came about after a young man had driven over 3 hours for a two hour session. He went into detail about how he is into corporal punishment but, no dom had ever gone hard enough with him. So, we had, what I thought was the best session I had done, to that date. No skin was broken. There were no raised welts. But, it was intense. Throughout the session, I would lean into his ear and, whisper just how much I was enjoying punishing him...and, I truly was. After the session, I expected him to be ecstatic. To my surprise, he was really upset. He said it was all he could do to keep from punching me and, that I had gone way too hard. I asked him why he didn't use the code word. He said, "I didn't want to be a pansy and, you were enjoying it. I wouldn't have felt like much of a man if I cried uncle." My heart just sank. I encouraged him to come back and, see me for free. Of course, I never heard from him again. I felt so bad about it and, hoped it wouldn't discourage him from exploring scene play. Shortly after, I made the decision not to have code words and, use open communication instead. For me, it worked like a charm. This seemed to put my subs and, me more in emotional touch. And, it didn't make someone feel as if they were in a match not to cry uncle.

I'd love to hear other's thoughts and, experiences with code words and, limits.

My Code Words are usually “ouch, it hurts”.

One time when seeing a Domme for a first time she had the whole green, yellow, and red thing going. After warm up canning she said she was going start canning at different force to see where my level was at. After some canning she would ask what color was she at. It was awkward at first, but it was only for the first session. I’ve been giving a safe word, but never had to use it.

LOL. Some men say that to be a smart ass or, because they really want the Mistress to do harder. It can be a challenge when a man wants to be pushed or, forced to do something he really wants to do. If I got that reaction in a session, most of the time, I'd probably say, "Yes, I know. It is why I tied you up first." This, not to cross anyone's lines but, most of the time, "Ouch, that hurts," really means, "Put me in my place."

I can see that for the first session. I've done that with video slaves to see how much they can be pushed on camera. For the color coded safety words all of the time, I've always found it odd. A client came to see me once and, wanted to play that way. It had the feel of giving someone a massage with a cane. A little higher, a little lower, ect. I'm all for to each their own...but, I wouldn't have wanted to play that way on an on going basis. Glad this worked out for you. It seems like a great way to evaluate a new play partner.

Hi Cheyenne,

I still establish safe words in a first session, mainly because many clients expect it and think you are unprofessional if you don't. Personally I agree with you that they are limiting and when people really need to use them, that won't (like you described above) or don't have the clarity of thought to use them. So, when I establish safe words I also make it clear that this is not my first rodeo and that I am pretty good at figuring out when someone is near a limit, but that the words are there in the event they need them.

Domina M put her views on safe words very eloquently in a post in her forum and I couldn't say it any better. It's here.

Thanks for your response and, the link. Domina M has a great way with words. I identify 100% with her experience with code words.

I strongly dislike green/yellow/red -- it feels too much like manipulating her through remote control. At least the green ("go harder") and yellow ("Don't go harder") do; red seems to operate like a standard issue safeword.

With dommes who are both new to me, and newer to the scene, I always give as an idea a protocol I enjoy that enhances communication (similar to stoplight) without breaking roles. It's just an idea I throw out that is totally her option, but a number of new-ish dommes have liked it. BAsically, it's:



Or, in other words, when I hit my very limit, I indicate this to her by saying something humiliating or doing something humiliating. This signals her the first few times, both what my pain limit is, and my facial and body expressions so she knows how to read me. It's not really "code words", but submissive words or actions, just used to communicate to her the first time "this is about my limit for intensity, and this is how I look and behave when I'm at that limit".

Love it! This is so hot!

I always want people to know they can stop the scene if they need to. I ask them if they have a safeword. Most don't, so I assign one. I make it clear that I want them to use it if something is really wrong and they want me to stop the scene entirely. (I have never had anyone safeword out.)

I tend to like to use the stoplight method as a way of getting to know someone's subjective experience. It's a good way to simplify communication without breaking the mood of the scene. Though I'm good at intuiting and reading where people are at, once in a while there's a person who is more stoic and difficult to place.

So, I tell them that if they feel I'm close to crossing their threshold from hot to not to say "yellow" and if I hit it, but they don't want to stop the scene, to say "red". This allows the client to feel that they have some control over the scene if they need it to keep enjoying themselves.

While I've never had any say red either, and I usually know when to stop before a yellow, once in a while someone will say it. Most of the time they tell me they said it because they were afraid. Then I resume with them feeling more comfortable about my being in control but still respecting the limits of their submission.

In some cases, people don't want to use them at all and take whatever I give them. Of course, that's absolutely fine! But some people are very nervous (usually new players in the first or second sessions) and this helps them relax into the scene better.

This isn't how I view the yellow/green safe word play.
I've never had green as an option given to me before, but for me red is just flat out a safe word, and yellow is a "Ow, I please give me a breather." at least for me.

Like for example if it's getting to the point where I literally just can't take anymore punishment whatsoever because every hit is starting to hurt way too much, i'll use red.
But in the middle of the session I may take a hit in the wrong area (Like a cane that stays a little too low and hits my crown jewels!) i'll say yellow just to let my mistress know I need a pause to recuperate. I don't ever use it more than once a session.

I do like your version of a safeword though. I may float your idea to my mistress if I ever decide to do CBT haha.

Thanks! I'm just gratified that it came across, seemed like a lot of awkward words to describe something that feels super natural and fun once you start doing it.

Go for it! The other thing dommes like about it is, even as I'm signalling my limit, I'm doing it in a way that's a "victory" for her, and makes her feel even more dominant...

I will always accept a safeword protocol if the Domme insists. However, I prefer not to use code or safewords simply because shortly after a session begins I am very quickly in a pretty deep subspace. At that point, I am probably not going to be very objective in terms of my ability to continue. For this reason, I only play with very experienced Dommes who, as several of you have stated in this thread, have the ability to monitor and read a sub's condition and reactions. That is my decision but I realize I anm ultimately responsible for my own safety in a session. I just believe that the Domme is a better equipped to read my reactions than I will be while I am in subspace.

However, I wont hesitate to communicate if there is something happening that the Domme might not be aware of. For example, I have been told that I am very heavy leather bondage slut, and every once in a great while the restrictive bondage significantly interferes with my breathing, and I don't mean a hand over the mouth or pinched nostrils. The Domme has always stopped the session, asked me if there is problem, I tell her what's happening, she makes the necessary adjustment and the session gets right on back on track. I have had to do the same thing a few times when I got slightly dizzy, with the same results. These experiences are truly one "off type" of things and in my opinion experienced Dommmes appreciate the communication and are fantastic at dealing with it quickly and getting right back into the swing of things. Pun intended!

That is a great point. A little off topic but, I loved playing with slaves who get into heavy sub space. It makes everything more fun for the dom too.

A good session is like a symphony, enjoyed by all participants. What it would look like if one of them suddenly stops it? I trust my mistress to pay attention to me and know how I feel without having to tell her directly. What makes a session great is being in tune with each other.

Absolutely.

Thank you for that comment about subspace. My mistress and I have intense sessions that bring on subspace/topspace very quickly. I've never felt that code words are needed because our constant communication let's each other know what is taking us deeper and what is distracting from the session mood.

Exactly, my experience as well.

A guy who wants you to go hard and then complains, despite no broken skin or welting on his butt sounds like an idiot and that would be true whether there were "code words" used or not!

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Thanks for saying that. It's funny the things people let bother them over the years. He was just in his mid 20's. He probably just didn't understand what he was asking for.

I only establish safewords for CNC sessions where "no" doesn't mean "no". Otherwise the safeword is "oh no, that hurts too much."

I much prefer more nuanced communication over some red/yellow system, which always feels a little clunky to me. If a sub is getting close to his limits I'd rather know the specifics, like "Mistress, these nipple clamps are getting to be too much" so I know to slack off on his nips while continuing with the ballbusting or whatever.

I don't really like the whole process of using code words but most Mistresses I see insist on them. After reading everyone's comments I might approach Mistresses a different way going forward and see if we can just speak clearly to each other. If I have ever used a code word, I don't remember it, but with a new Mistress it's always in the back of my head that I will need to use it to get myself out of a jam and it kind of effects my headspace.

I totally agree with you but for me, red/yellow is just a signal for the Domme to step in with the open communication. Screaming "ow, my balls!!!” seems a little disrespectful (especially when she is twisting my nipples)

My extremely inexperienced two cents for what it's worth...

I understand the reasoning behind having safe words given that you are putting your complete trust into someone which is no easy feat. It makes sense to have a way out if things get too painful/intense. I might say "no", "stop" or just beg for mercy in general but not really want things to stop though. I think given that a Domme might push a submissive to the edge they even expect to hear something like "no" or "stop". As a submissive you should not rely on those types of words ending the session. But, if I was suddenly experiencing a pain, muscle cramp, etc. not at all related to the session play and I needed things to stop of course I would need a way to communicate that. I would think I could just say that, however, and the Domme would stop. To be a successful Pro Domme I imagine you have to be intelligent and skilled enough to read people, even those you might not know well.

Unfortunately, some people don't even know themselves, so where does that leave a Domme as in the situation you explained Cheyenne. That was clearly not your fault as he didn't really know his limits and ego got in the way. I think open communication is a good idea. That's not to say having code/safewords is not a good idea. People might prefer them so they don't kill the mood by becoming all conversational. Then there are those situations where someone might want to session without a code/safeword so they can feel really really out of control.

I’ve probably done over 300 sessions over the course of years and only been given a safe word in a handful and in each case it was a surprise and unwanted. I like to be pushed in session and don’t like the idea I can just stop it by saying a color. I’ve always just trusted the Mistress to read me and know how far to go. I’ve always been able to get my point across by demeanour change when I got a non bdsm pain like a cramp or as I’ve aged been put into a stress position that is bad for my health. In the past 6 months I have played with 2 different experienced Dommes for the first time and a safe word was never discussed or given.

Can I say something to Dommes. There is a term, “vanilla life”. Why use red, yellow, green for safe words? So vanilla. Use something demeaning.
I don’t know. You Mistresses are smart. Whip for green, piss for yellow and cock for red. Adds a little different element if your slaves all of a sudden yells COCK.

That is too funny. I can see a routine like "Who's on third," where the dom is being playful and, deliberately confusing the slave on what means go harder and, what means to pull back..."Cock...er, I mean balls....wait, nipples!!!"

Speaking of funny back in the late 90’s or early 2000 there was an episode on Jackass about one of the stunt man being whipped by a domme. And she gave him a safe word Oklahoma. Of course the guy says the safe word after a few hits. And then it got to the point that he kept saying Oklahoma even when she wasn’t hitting him. The whole crew was laughing as it’s a comedy show. So the next time I went to session with one of my playfully domme I told her about that show and maybe use that safe word for that session. So she says “you want to say Oklahoma then huh”? While she wasn’t a hardcore domme she was sure make I yelled out Oklahoma!

Excellent discussion, thank you all. Code words are clearly necessary for first time or first few time play. As you both become familiar, things change. i disliked using code words as a sub since it gave me power - the exact opposite of why i saw a Mistress. Now i enjoy knowing that if i am using a code word it will be "ignored" since my Mistress knows it is a feeble attempt to gain control which i do not want anyway. Trying to resist or control and having that ignored is exciting for me. But, this is based on a TRUST that has developed over time and Mistress Ayn knows when i am in distress. Usually, She knows that i can take more, need to take more, and do take more -- and then am delighted that my "limit" is pushed farther than i imagined i could. But, it is all about trust.

My first experience with "let's go harder this time, maybe try for tears?" resulted with me deep in subspace.

After we were done, I looked at my bottom and was a bit shocked at it's sorry appearance. I was going to say something but she just smiled and shrugged her shoulders in a feminine way; like "oops". I got over it.

On a related note, The first time I saw a disciplinarian advertise "no safe word" I was appalled. Isn't this against the "rules".

But I could not stop thinking about it. It would certainly seem more like a "spanking" this way. I am thus undecided.

Slave: "Retrograde ejaculation! Retrograde ejaculation!"
Mistress: "oh that's your safeword! You want me to stop"
Slave: "No, just wanted to let you know I just had one"

lol ... Anyway, more seriously, I've always felt that unless we're going with some well-known protocol -- e.g., stoplight -- it's the sub who should set the safeword. It's something that he has to remember, potentially under extreme stress and pain. I always question when a domme I'm seeing for the first time tells me what my safeword is going to be. HTF am I going to remember "stromboli" or whatever, under the stress of all this

+1

Totally agree... If a Domme ever tries to give me a random word as a safeword {and it is very rate), it is one of the few times I will not just say ”yes Mistress" and comply with her rules.

I may just have bad luck -- I've had more pro dommes than not try to assign me safewords. That's why it's a pet peeve

It could be a cultural thing amongst the Dommes in your area that I haven't run across or I may just be lucky in my choices... But, yes, definitely a problem for me whenever it has happened.

Coming back to this after more thought I think that maybe this is more important to the mistress than to the sub. It happened that the best mistresses I sessioned with did not use it, and others did. I think that having a safe word gives peace of mind to some mistresses. Those who don't use it don't need it, because they are better at reading your reactions. As a general rule those who did not use it knew better than me how hard they could push me, while those who relied on my feedback where more likely to do too little or too much.

There is also the possibility that I was just lucky.