"When Femdom Goes Wrong"

This post has generated a lot of talk on various sites:

https://www.thimblefemdom.com/blog-1/2019/9/12/when-femdom-goes-wrong

When I read it, I was reminded of something that happened to me many years ago. I had gotten to know someone online, at Max Fisch, and she asked me for my phone number.

When she called, we spoke for a couple of hours. Then at the end, she got really angry with me, for nothing, and started to berate me for not being genuinely submissive.

It wasn't really the same as the story in the post linked above, because I didn't have any feelings for her, and it happened via the phone, in our first one on one interaction. But I was puzzled by it, and tried to figure out what had happened.

What I came up with is that some guys are probably so submissive that as soon as the mistress gets mad, they'll start pleading for forgiveness. I thought that maybe she was trying to see if I was that kind of guy.

And then I thought, wow, maybe I responded wrong, maybe I should have reacted in a completely submissive way. I probably failed a test there. For a long time it was sort of my fantasy to be that kind of guy, but ultimately I'm just not wired that way.

This thing has been talked out in other places, so it might not be that interesting here. But I figured I'd post it anyway, and see if anyone wants to talk about it.

This is a very interesting story. From the lead in, I didn't see the session going so strangely bad. There have been times I've misread a person or, something was off somehow. Most new doms who are getting a lot of attention go through a stage of "Domitis," When they let the attention go to their head a little. But, this was a pretty extreme way for a first session when there had been zero discussion of the client wanting to be treated that way. I'm actually embarrassed for her and, feel badly for both of them.

Years ago, one of my clients, who became a good friend, told me about his last session. He had taken a few years off from doing sessions because it had traumatized him so badly. The lady in question was a highly regarded, well known dom. At the end of their play time, she kept him in bondage. Then she went through his things, found his airline tickets, canceled his return flight and, kept him for another several hours. This would have been a lot of men's dream come true. But, it left him shaken up pretty badly.

It is always a fine line with femdom with when to step out on a limb and, surprise your client. But, it is best to save extreme treatment for someone who has been very clear it is what they want or, someone you know well.

I don't know, obviously, but I got the impression that was her way of doing things in general, and not just the way she was with that particular guy.

If that's true it must work for her if she's successful. I guess I'm always drawn to toxic energy, but I could see how that would work for some guys. It's something that I know I couldn't do, but I still understood the appeal of it when I read the post.

I heard a story about a really iconic woman, back in the 90s. She saw a guy, and it was very intense. In the middle of a long session, she sent him out to buy something -- food, maybe wine, I can't remember -- and he was so freaked out he just left.

She called him up at home and told him that leaving the way he did was very rude, that she had been terribly worried, and that the only way he could make it up to her would be to bring her what was a pretty large sum of money in those days. So he did.

The guy was a client of a woman I was friends with -- that's how I heard about it. My friend was really pissed off about it. In her opinion, the woman had clearly pushed the guy way too far, and when he freaked out, she guilted him into giving her more money.

It's not like that was the worst thing I had ever heard. But the woman who supposedly did it was super famous. She was famous enough that many people would still know her name now.

I really do get that the only way this whole scene can work is if people approach it as a way to have fun and interesting experiences, and don't get carried away. But a certain number of people do want to get carried away.

I definitely agree with you that it's important that everyone know what the score is, though.

I've got to be honest here, I think this dude is a nut. Lets face it. Scheduling an emergency session with your therapist because a Domme didn't meet your lofty expectations is way out there!

I've heard too many, my last Mistress sucked stories. They typically come from shit stirring, trouble causers. Who's real intention is to play Dommes against one another. The minute they start it, I stop it!

Every Domme has her own style and technique, that's why we come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

I wondered about this myself. I am sure there are two sides to the story and we will probably never know the whole truth. There are certainly some unstable individuals on both side of the D/s equation. Just read a little about "borderline personality disorder" and see if it doesn't fit a lot of clients and Dommes.

In reading this the thing I found the most odd was that they spent time outside the actual session and things seemed to go well, and the moment the session started it all went to hell. Something just doesn't fit. I feel badly for both of them though.

It is indeed and in the end our ability to judge the situation is paramount. In a MindFuck once wanted to set a guys watch forward so he would think he was late meeting his wife at a concert. I let that play out in my mind and saw him having a wreck on the way there and stopped myself. I would rather play it too conservative that live to regret it.

That’s kind of how I feel too. Not saying who wrote isn’t telling the truth but I’m sure the Domme has her own version of what happened.

I know from personal experience that some Dommes put hard walls between their personal and work lives. It can be and might have been really jarring for the client/sub if that was so in this case.

Imagine making a great personal connection with attendant built up trust and then suddenly once the session starts, it feels like you're under the thumb of a complete stranger.

This happens the other way too. After session she wants to have absolutely nothing to do with you, like GTFO, which precludes aftercare of any kind.

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I have lots of stories of Dommes doing things that seem extreme along these lines, but that is only because I give them carte blanche within my boundaries. A Domme doing that would definitely set me off however, because now She would be f'n with my life (which is totally unacceptable).

I have experienced things like this with some Dommes, although not to the extreme described here. Outside of, and even at the end of sessions, they are extremely warm and friendly. But, during a session, they put on their "Domme Suit” and are cold, distant and somewhat angry.

I chalk it up to them sort of role-playing who they are as a Domme because that allows them to get into the head space that works for them when they play. Some guys want and even need that type of personality in session but personally I hate it and thinking I f'd up and caused it does destroy my headspace and enjoyment of it.

I feel so sad for everyone involved. Chemistry is something that you can't just make happen. There have been several subs who I think will be perfect and our chemistry is just mud. It is a sad reality.

Am I reading this correctly? He "won" the session as a part of participating in the members' site? So he did not pay? It was a "professional" session, but it was a prize? It kind of changes things a little. This seems to happen a lot, though. I can't really side with anyone, except both dommes and subs seem to blur pro and lifestyle play in a way that no one is happy.

As a side note, I have also totally done that thing. A sub recently showed up 20 minutes early and just hung out in front of my building. What? I don't have a waiting room. I am not a chiropractor. I stuck his nose in the corner (not his scene) so I could finish my lunch in peace. Trust me, no one wants me to get behind a whip while I am "hangry."

The subject of this discussion kept me reminding me of an old song. I finally figured out what it was this morning.

"When Loves Goes Wrong," is a song from "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" (1953) sung by Marilyn Monroe & Jane Russell (P.S. - Jane, in this role, could've been a domina in one or two scenes of the movie especially with the Olympic team. Just sayin'.) Lyrics match up a bit to our topic. Link to the ladies' rendition is after the lyrics below.

"When love goes wrong
Nothing goes right
When love goes wrong
Nothing goes, nothing goes right
A woman's a fright, a terrible sight
A man goes out, gets high as a kite
Love is something you just can't fight
You can't fight it, honey
You can't fight it
When love goes wrong, nothin'
No bows, honey, just cigat bars and off
Nothing goes right
Crazy, Crazy oui, oui
It's like we said
You're better off dead
When love has lost its glow
So take this down in black and white
When love goes wrong nothing goes right
When love goes wrong nothing goes right
Nothing goes right"
Songwriters: HAROLD ADAMSON, HOAGY CARMICHAEL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ern7QwMd7XM

That's always been one of my favorite Marilyn Monroe songs. I didn't know that Hoagy Carmichael was one of the writers.

Initially, I feel badly for the sub (not sure what's going on with the Domme), but I don't feel like I have enough information to know what really happened. Of course, we are only hearing his side. We have no idea what hew may be omitting -- intentionally or unintentionally.

The main problem I see is that it doesn't sound like the scene was negotiated. Who goes right into a pro scene -- paid for or not -- and just starts doing things? Especially, if he account of the scene is accurate, some kind of psychoemotional play which can effect people's self-esteem? Recipe for disaster.

It's possible that the guy misrepresented his intent and/or the Domme misunderstood his intent and started feeling something for him, and when he said he had a girlfriend she felt betrayed and it came out in the session.

For me what is most interesting here is not the story itself, on which I commented on the other site, but how much we project. Ultimately what we are saying says more about us, than about the story. There are those who tend to trust. And those who think that mistresses can do no wrong. And collectively you begin to see a slight difference in spirit between MF and here.