Asking for photo ID

Hello all. I am traveling to the west coast next month and was trying to set up a session while i am there. A mistress I contacted asked me for a photo ID as part of her screening. Is that normal out there?

I have references and am willing to put up a deposit but she said that wasn't enough. I am not sending a photo of my ID so I guess we are done but I was curious if any of you have had this happen, what did you do and is this where we are headed as a new normal?

subjohn

I only session now and then, but have never been asked for photo ID. I think you need your fucking head examined if you are willing to submit to that.

I wouldn’t like it either. Someone recommended I join Fetlife and at the end it asked for my phone number. My company pays for my phone service. I didn’t go any further.

It is probably harmless but, I'd let her know this is a show stopper for you and, ask her to reconsider. Maybe she is new? Young? It is difficult to say. But, I'd give her a chance to reconsider before moving on. Not only you should not be expected to submit your id (Unless you look underage) but, it offers the Dominatrix little to no protection.

It should be normal, yes, to give your info to reputable Dommes. Not giving it to some craigslist nobody Domme? I get that, but obvious verified professionals? Come now. I've seen hundreds of people who have all given me ID. Businessmen, actors, professonal athletes, politicians, you name it. Our job is keeping that info safe (not as if Google doesn't know what you're doing anyway hahaha)

S*x workers, including Dominatrixes, get beaten, raped, robbed, etc. There's a rapist going around right now that's well known who is active, targeting us. We're inviting you into OUR home, and you think we should just trust some stranger whos probably twice our weight to not take advantage of us without some kind of collateral? Yeah, that's not smart at all.

Personally I do not negotiate when it comes to my safety and I don't understand how other people can. If you don't trust a Domme with your name, how can you trust her with your body?

Besides, WHY would you really want to see someone who doesn't carefully screen? Who lets potential looneys, stalkers, and pigs through the same door that you hope to securely, privately, anonymously waltz through? A Dominatrix that is willing to see you without screening puts not just her own safety at risk, but YOURS as well. They are more likely to attract stalkers than a Domme who does screen.

Ugh.

Edit: Also I understand why she won't take references. I had a guy who was good to me act like a total asshole to another Domme I knew. Sad world

I've been asked to show my ID multiple times, but that was moreso to confirm that I was of age.

I don't personally see the harm in it.

If it was someone with a good reputation and long in the business, I would if I wanted to see them badly enough. And I have several times with no consequences.

Its not common but it happens.

Hello subjohn,

I know a few Dommes out West and I don't think this is normal at all - anywhere. Some escorts ask for a photo ID if you aren't "verified", so the Domme you are dealing with may be coming from that perspective. However, if you have references and are willing to put up a deposit, you should be golden. If it's important for you to see her, explain your reservations and be willing to move on if she doesn't budge.

One question: Is she a well known Domme?

I wouldn't really have a problem showing her my id in person. My guess is she would forget my name as soon as I walked out the door. I am not famous or rich or think I am all that important but I do have concerns about privacy. I just don't want an electronic image of my id sitting in a Mistress's email inbox or computer file or any file. My greatest fear is not what she will do with it but what other's might do with it. I heard a story on one of the forums about a reputable Mistress who's boyfriend or husband got ahold of her client list and threatened to out them all if she didn't give his sum of money in the separation settlement. If all that was in the file or on her computer was my sub name, sub email and Google voice number, that couldn't happen even if it fell into the wrong hands.

I will do that Mistress Cheyenne. Thank you for the advice.

I would say she is newish. I have seen her ad for maybe a year or two. She is not one of the top names, but she is not unknown either.

And I provided several references, some in her area.

I will follow your and Cheyenne's advice and just explain my reservations and just move on if she continues to insist.

I have sessioned with a number of highly regarded professional Dommmes over the years. I have never been asked for any kind of official ID in order to schedule session.

If asked, I would not be comfortable providing it in advance of a session. My biggest concern is what happens with the information after the session ? How secure is the Domme's computer ? If she has a problem with LE, would it somehow be accessible to them ? Would anyone besides the Domme have access to the ID info ?

A lot can go very badly wrong, and it may not even be the Dommes fault. There are so many very high highly skilled Dommes that will session with references and deposits that it seems to me to be an unnecessary risk.

It's not common on the west coast at all. References and deposit are usually adequate. With that said, i know there's at least one disciplinarian that does require proof/verification of your real name - i'd love to see Her, but that's a no-go for me.

Its not common but Ive been asked a couple of times. It has been when i have been a long time between sessions and didn't have recent references. Ive been okay with providing it as it was with well established dommes. Both times they were comfortable after seeing the ID and didnt ask for a deposit.

Without references a deposit is a more common request.

I am fine with either or both.

I can't recall ever being asked for a photo ID prior to a session, but I don't see any problem with showing it - "here's my photo and here's my age." Done. I doubt that a mistress would record or even remember my name.

I do get annoyed with hotels that made a copy of my driver's license along with a credit card when checking in, but that's more about having to take my license out of my wallet rather than just showing it. And I think that I would be hesitant to allow a BDSM provider to make a physical or digital copy of my license. That could get into the wrong hands.

This is a very personal business and, the ladies are the ones taking most of the risk. So, I very much respect a lady conducting business in a manner in which she feels comfortable. I've been retired for years. Perhaps, thing have changed. Perhaps, I was just lucky. But, in 20 years of full time sessions and, being quite busy, I never had an issue that an id would have made a difference, not for sessions. (Videos, it is a requirement of the law.) I managed to screen through email and, phone interviews with no problems. Only one loony that I can think of got through the cracks, in all of that time. An id would not have mattered in that case. He was quickly cut loose and, banned from my studio. Fortunately, he lived in another state so stalking would have been difficult. Stalking happens to attorneys, even doctors, ex girlfriends, ect. An id doesn't stop a mentally unstable person. I had the fortunate experience as an active Dom to have amazing clients. I tend to think that ProDom attracts good people.

This being said, in no way am I disputing how a Dominatrix chooses to run her business. It is a very personal business and, no one can tell anyone else what should make them comfortable. It has just been my experience that knowing someone's legal name doesn't seem to matter with sessions...nor, were there a bunch of crazies trying to make appointments. I miss the session days some times...but, when it comes to the associated risks, that are numerous, I am glad to have had a ton of fun and, retire early.

I’m with you 100% on this. I’d have no problem just showing the ID in person but no way am I going to email a copy or even let someone copy it. There’s too many scenarios where someone could access a computer or email. I wouldn’t want my ID just sitting in cyberspace.

subjohn, some Dommes ask for IDs. I don't know everyone who does, but I would imagine that it's something for people who have no one to vouch for them. So, if you have legit pros who can give you a reference, then either She doesn't feel comfortable receiving a reference from those Dommes (sorry to say, you can't trust that every Domme vets safely), She is just being extra careful, or She's new and doesn't quite know how things typically go.

You could politely ask Her about it. Ultimately, just respect that's how She feels safe and either agree to Her protocol or don't.



When it comes to safety measures, it's not about eliminating risk. None of us can eliminate risk -- with anything.

When understanding the psychology of a predator, some methods will reduce your risk of being a victim. And ID can do that and it's why some Dommes may ask for it.

THIS

I recently had a big scare because a Domme that I sessioned with lost her phone. I trust her (otherwise I wouldn't session at all), but I know that my real name and phone number were on that phone, along with some of my bank information and if anyone managed to get a hold of the information, it could be a huge problem.

po

And, half of your business, unnecessarily. When Doms start to act as if the men in this business are some kind of lunatics, it tells me they don't know how to market.

1000% agree with this sentiment... Where my business rules conflict with a Domme's, I just walk away with no hard feelings. Handing over personal data is just one area this could happen.

You don't know they are losing half their business, Ms. Cheyenne. And if they are? That's their business.

The problem is that some men are "lunatics" and it's imperative we weed them out. Dommes have preferences about how to do this. Some speak with everyone who is interested in a session, some meet them, some ask for a deposit, some ask for a reference or two or three, some verify employment, some ask for ID, some don't see anyone new, etc.

I don't know why anyone would disparage someone for wanting to feel comfortable bringing a stranger into a private space for intimate play. Those who are aren't lunatics should understand.

This sounds like a bad business decision. I would never carry personal info of any of my clients on my personal phone. As you said, if it's lost? Yikes!

I'm certainly not telling anyone how to conduct their business. I'm just offering my opinion. Perhaps a lot has changed since I've retired. Maybe I was just oddly lucky with clients. Having spent 10 years in the corporate world, 20 plus years in the ProDom world and, coming into contact with many people in the mainstream world, I found that men in the prodom scene are, overwhelmingly, more respectful to women than the average Joe. The scene, at least in my experience, draws some great people to it. Again, I respect everyone's personal decisions in how they conduct business. I do realize that things could have changed since I retired. But, if I were a client and, screened as if I was a criminal, I'd probably pass on the session. Just my opinion, not criticizing anyone who feels differently.

Plus 1

I 100% agree Cheyenne and I don't think the business has changed that much, not to the degree that we need to start asking potential clients for their ID or Linkedin profiles. There are probably the same percentage of bad apples out there that there always was, which is fortunately very few. And as you said, people are free to screen however they like if they are willing to live with the results. I know a Domme that insists every new client meet her in public for a cafe date prior to scheduling a session. She is happy with a few sessions a month and that works for her. If I tried to do that I would be in cafe dates all the time and the rent wouldn't get paid ;-)

BTW, the two most unstable clients I ever dealt with had no problem revealing their real name, work details, etc.

This is exactly what I ended up doing, Mistress Cheyenne. I emailed her and said that I appreciated that she has her policies but that I was not comfortable with providing an ID. I offered additional references in case she did not like the ones I gave or felt she needed more. I never received an answer back so I guess that was my answer. Thanks for the advice. I think it probably worked out for the best. I ended up booking with someone else and will have my session next week.

The sad truth is that some of the people who come to us may in fact be criminals. Look at this serial rapist making the rounds.

Some are also blacklisted clients who are trying to pretend to be someone else.

Yes, the vast majority of our clients are wonderful people. But this is not about them; it's about the one who aren't.

Years ago, one of friends in Raleigh, NC, found herself in an overly conservative town. Raleigh has probably become more contemporary but, back then, they'd arrest you for having in impure thought. Even the most legal, careful Dom, could find herself in trouble. So, Avalon would have her clients park their car at a truck stop. Then, she would meet them, blindfold them, have them recline their seat to get them out of view and, drive them back to her place in the woods. She made it fun, the guys loved it and, she felt safe.

And she drove you there in her Toyota Avalon.

pro-domme face a inherent danger when new people reach out to them for sessions. I don't see an issue but I feel honestly would omit certain details like the address or drivers license number. I've honestly never encountered it myself but I feel that references should play a more vital part of the screening process. I had recently seen Ms Lydia Supremacy for the first time. Luckily one of the pro-dommes I had seen previously knew her very well and they were able to communicate prior.

That's what it is about, no question. But I just remembered today that I had a rather unique screening request three or four years ago with an out-of-town Mistress with plenty of ads: FaceTime or Skype of "a couple of minutes" with me showing my photo ID, my face and "physique." I politely declined. LOL!

I can't be recall how long ago this happened, but I once attempted to book with a Domme who was very lifestyle oriented and just did sessions on the side. Her rules were that I had to provide a photo of myself as part of her screening process (which for a lifestyle or FetLife Meetup, is pretty standard... But, is specifically the reason I pay for it rather than do lifestyle stuff). I thanked her and wished her luck but declined as that was definitely part a hard limit of mine.

As a pro-domme I would rather be concerned with a client who easily hands out his Id. If the customer doesn't care for his identity, what else is he not caring for.

And vise-versa: I am not a suspicious person and it makes me uncomfortable if a person who I am dealing with is suspicious. This applies to private life as well as to business. If people don't trust me, why should I trust them?
That doesn't mean not to apply some common-sense precaution.

But I just don't deal with people who are too suspicious.

I am a little unsure how an ID makes a domme safer. Sure there is some more accountability, but Joey the Player, the antagonist from another post here shows his ID. It is, in fact all over the internet. Hasn't really slowed him down, it would appear.

I am all for domme safety, of course, but rapists, liars, thieves have IDs too.

Would it be reasonable to say that although it doesn't make the domme absolutely safe, in a bulletproof sort of way, it would still make her more safe?

Or do you think it's not worth anything?

All security methods aren't about risk elimination, they're about risk reduction.

There is no way to completely eliminate any risk in life. Like is inherently risky. But we take measures to reduce our risks: go to the doctor, wear a seatbelt, ask potential clients for a deposit and references, etc.