To talk or not to talk

A comment I made on an earlier post about not wanting a lot of small talk at the beginning of a session made Me think - and yes, sometimes that's a dangerous thing. Although I don't want to stand around discussing what we have both been up to, I do like to talk in session. It's a big part of the scene for Me. Whispering in the subs ear exactly what I could do to him, threatening him with pain or humiliation, laughing at his predicament, etc. Of course it depends on the scene, but I am usually quite talkative. I love the idea of leading slaves verbally down the rabbit hole. Every now and then I will connect in a way where words don't seem appropriate and both the sub and I just get "lost" in the sensations and activities. At those times talk seems to shatter the connection if that makes sense.

I know there are some subs that don't like talk in session and because of that we might not be a good match. What are your thoughts on this? Do you want a Mistress to lead you with her voice or do you want her to let you find your own headspace and go silently about her business? Dommes, are you talkative or not?

I am a talker. Hopefully not to excess but I do it for a living. I personally like to hear what is about to happen. Some people, this could cause them to tense up. For me, it is a turn-on because it makes me think the Domme is into what she is about to do.
The few times I have been with a quiet Domme it just sort of feels like she is going through the motions.

I used to session with both kinds. To me the talking sessions are probably more fun. One Domme was almost like a doctor like. She would show me something ask if I knew what it was. Then she would tell me what it was and what she was going to do to me with it and what I might expect from it. The funny part is she would say it with a cute smile on her face knowing that it was going to hurt a lot.

Another Domme I session with was very opposite of her where she didn’t talk much in session except to tell me what to do. She would even just snap her fingers and point too. She also had like a fake kind of laugh too. I think she just thought of this as a job even though she was very good at dominating.

Although I loved both styles the talking Domme is more fun as long it’s not too much talking.

Ayn

Good Topic!

Unfortunately, too often for me talking has had a negative impact on the session.

Old movie syndrome
If you watch old movies, the often feel like a spoof, because the actors / actresses so much overplay it. I rather like the session not to be overplayed, and words exacerbate the overplay.
Not wanting to be racist, I generally find Americans are more prone to overplay than Europeans.

When the words don't match the session
I always point out that I am not a submissive, but that I want to be submitted.
Then sentences such as:
"Don't you want to do that for me?" don't work, no I don't want to do it for you , but I do it because I am tied up and you have a riding crop in your hand.
Or:
"How does it feel under my smelly feet?" and they smell like a piece of soap, freshly washed...

Good talk can be a turn-on, but often action speaks more than a thousand words.

I love talking, so much so that I point it out, and also point out examples where I find talk particularly intoxicating:

• I like the overall feel of the session to be more flirty and fun, than strict. Flirty banter is always a plus
  
• It's fun to engage in (say) CBT, but what makes my go through the roof is that, while we're doing it, she's teasing me, humiliating me about her power over me, laughing, etc
  
• I also enjoy faux threats. For example, forced bi is a hard limit of mine, but her saying "you better do this better or I'll bring a guy in and make you suck a dick" drives me overboard. Similarly, "do xyz or I'll dip a strapon in Dave's Insanity Sauce and fuck you with it", etc.
  

Threatening to perform things that are on my black-list is a sure way to take me out of sub-space, definitely not my thing.

It is always helpful when a sub specifies his preference.

I agree that less talk often feels more strict. I am naturally a very sensual Domme. I find it quite fun to sound like I'm flirting and bring a sub's guard down, then before he knows it I've torn his ego to shreds!

I also tend to laugh a lot during session. That's naturally how I am, and it can be quite unnerving for whoever is under my control.

A lot of BDSM is all in your head; why not activate the imagination?

Interesting. I have heard other people say that Dommes that don't talk much in session give off the vibe that they are just going through the motions. I don't think that is the case with every Domme that is on the quiet side, but it may be more right than wrong. Thanks for the feedback.

I totally get this. I have been in sessions where the Domme sounded totally fake. It's a buzz kill - even for me.

Am I to take it from your comment that you are European, not American? Or are you a well traveled American? I am curious. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to answer in the forum but I think others would appreciate knowing. Different perspectives always fascinate me.

I’m guessing it was just her style. She wasn’t a clock watcher or seem bored. In fact she wasn’t chatty before or after session either. Since I like both styles it works for me. Although I can see someone who likes a playful Domme won’t match well with one that doesn’t.

Interesting question, thanks for posting it.

I like a little bit of chatter before the session starts. I am always a little stressed when I first arrive at the session and having a few minutes to relax and decompress enables me to just slide much easier into subspace. Doesn't have to be a lot of time spent in talking before the session, just a few minutes to help me relax and start to focus on what's to come.

Once the session starts I don't need chatter, but if the domme feels like talking that's fine with me. I do enjoy some verbal encouragement during the session, sort of like Domme cheerleading. Things like, "you slut, you know you can take more for me." A little bit of that goes a long way for me and can make a session even more special.

I definitely like a fair bit of talk during the session. However incessant prattle is not good.

Ayn

I have spent quite some time of my life in Europe, the US and a also a bit in Asia.
Sounds all more exciting than it is. I wouldn't assume to be an expert in global BSDM. And my mindset is probably mostly European.

It is not just in the context of BDSM, but in any aspect of life, I like to deal with people who have a healthy self-confidence, who are happy with whom they are.
Who don't have teeth as white that you need to put on sunglasses, and who don't have perfect silicon shaped body-parts, but who are fine with their imperfections.

Back to the subject:
Overplaying it, just sounds and feels "totally fake" as you word it more eloquently than I did. It feels like the dome tries to be somebody she isn't.

To me the biggest fascination in BDSM is power-exchange. And for that I like to play with a self-confident person.

Now I am getting on thin ice:
Overall, and overly generalized: I have the impression that women in Europe have a more natural self-confidence than American women, and the further South or East you go in Europe the higher the self-confidence in regards to their (female) personality, and that reflects on the session.

I could listen to You all day and all night Mistress Ayn

I really don't care how much a Domme likes to talk or not. I have had amazing sessions with Dommes who literally never shut-up about whatever irrelevant stuff pops into their head at the time and just as amazing sessions with Dommes who totally communicate through eye contact, pointing and touch.

However, I really don't like sessions where the Domme expects me to talk (which may seem weird considering how I never STFU outside of session). Thinking and talking completely pulls me out of my submissive headspace, whereas allowing a Domme to lead me where she wants me to go through the use of her verbal skills completely fits for some reason.

I am the total opposite when it comes to faux threats. To me if it’s just an empty threat that I know is just session talk it feels stupid. I need to feel there is at least some possibility that the threat is real. This can come simply from not knowing the Domme well enough that it’s hard for me to judge if she’s serious or from knowing a Domme well enough to know she means what she says or has a dangerous element to her to make the threat seem serious.

Yeah, totally get it. For me, once we have some trust established and I know it's not really a REAL threat, I dig it.

Funny, when I am describing what I like the vibe to be (flirty and fun), I always specifically say "we should be laughing".

Different strokes and all that. I can definitely understand you need to feel that the threat is not just theater.

I have a very quiet personality myself, so I do appreciate dommes who are quiet.

I don't mind some verbal interaction though. Commands and stuff like that is fine, but sometimes verbal interaction just gets awkward for me. Like commanding me to verbally worship or having to tell a domme what "X" smells like when X doesn't smell like anything to me. Maybe most subs like that but for me it's just too much and takes me out of subspace, I prefer to not have to speak too much.
There's a balance that I prefer when it comes to talking during a session.

I find when mentoring or working with the female half of a couple that the hardest thing for them to master is finding their voice. It's all about confidence and if you don't have it as a Domme it all falls flat.

Interesting. I do think that Americans in general tend to focus more on the superficial. I see that in subs too, so it cuts both ways.

Thank you all for your very diverse replies.

Talk--please. While I enjoy the physical aspects of BDSM, I probably enjoy the mental aspect more. Get into my mind, verbally abuse me, remind me of my place in YOUR world, mental abuse, teasing me, taunting, etc.

I can still remember some of the most fun moments I have had in previous sessions, and most are remembering something she said to me.

Interesting - and different - topic. Thanks for posting.

P.S. No F bombs. Just my opinion, but I do not care for foul-mouthed women. It's a turn off.

A healthy self confidence is helpful in any profession. But there is probably no other profession where it is as important as in yours.



That's funny that you have that impression. It is often Europeans who think that Americans are superficial.
But I attribute that rather to the fact that Americans generally are friendlier than Europeans (particularly in the South). Europeans expect that if somebody is friendly, that they are genuinely interested in them.
A European new to the US easily takes the question "How do you do?" literally.

In terms of self-confidence of women in Europe vs. the US, it may just be that the situation in the US is more challenging for women. In the US it is almost politically incorrect to say that there are differences between men and women, like denying this fact would make everybody equal. Also, pretending that the looks don't matter is just not genuine.
All this may solve some problems, but it may create others.
It's difficult to be equal but different.