Ladies, Have You Ever Been Afraid?

I get this question a lot from vanilla friends. Have I ever been frightened for my safety in session? Only twice have I been and, not for the reasons a vanilla person might think. Rather I was doing sessions in a remote cabin, hotel suite in a city I'd never been to before or, at my studio at 2am...my clients were the coolest. Either I've had dumb lucky or, femdom clients are usually just great people. Here are the two times, out of 20 years of full time sessions, that I was frightened.

1. A young man came to see me for a heavy Sm session. As soon as he was restrained and, I was whipping him, he began screaming about how much he wanted to kill me and, calling me Mom. I let him cool down and, then, released him from bondage, gave his money back and, told him that I could not continue the session. He said that is just how he reacts and, really wanted to keep going but, I couldn't. Not only was I worried about the guy clocking out but, whatever he was dealing with was beyond me to help him.

2. This is actually kind of funny...one of my fondest memories of session days. It was Halloween. Early in the day I got a call from a man who wanted to pretend to be a wolf and, have me train him. Then, he wanted to worship my feet. It sounded like fun. I loved the day of same day sessions. It was like impromptu theater. It turned out that he was an usually tall Native American with hair down to his waist. A powerful figure. When we got into our role play...boy, was he a convincing wolf. If Hollywood was looking for a human wolf...this would have been their guy. Keep in mind, it was Halloween. Then it came time for him to worship my feet. He was fairly aggressive. I kept thinking...this guy is going to turn into a wolf and, bite off my toes. Maybe I had been watching too many Halloween movies but...it was a concern. I was wondering...is their a full moon...who wrote American Werewolf in London...and, are his ears growing hair or, am I getting paranoid? As it turned out, he didn't transform into an animal so, it was all good.

But, with the exception of these two sessions, I've never been frightened of my clients. Perhaps, because I screen them well but, also because FemDom attracts good people.

Your experiences and, thoughts?

As far as I know I'm not a domina, but I just want to say I can't get enough of this type of experiences and anecdotes from pro dommes, so thank you for sharing!

:-)

Wow, Cheyenne. Situation #1 sounds truly unnerving. Situation #2 had to be nerve racking too at the time and I can see how in hindsight it is funny and memorable. Happy Halloween!

This is a subject I don't think I have seen discussed publicly before. We all have our stories that we share when a group of Dommes get together but your raising the subject in the forum gives it new breadth.

About a year ago I sat down and roughly estimated how many hours of pro sessions I had done and it totaled well into the thousands - as it is with many of us - and it's really amazing how few scary events I and others have had considering the contact we have with strangers (at least initially) in a sexually charged atmosphere.

I don't think I have anything that come close to either of your stories but here goes:

#1 A sub I had seen a handful of times a few years prior came back out of the cold so to speak and wanted to book a session. He was always a little "off" and just an odd character. I diligently pulled My notes from prior sessions and made a plan. I dutifully asked if anything had changed and if there was anything I needed to know. We also talked a bit before we started. About 15 minutes into a 2 hour session he started shouting "these are not my interests". He started pulling at his bondage and would not be calmed down - continuing to say "these are not my interests". He was a really big guy and he broke a cuff connector and got himself loose - brushing me off. When he was completely free was when I finally got scared. I kept thinking I could talk him down, but I couldn't get through to him at all. Fortunately he got dressed in record time and simply left, slamming the door. A month or two later he sends me a really weird email asking to talk to me on the phone so I get a better idea what was going on with him. I passed. I'm done.

#2 Like you Cheyenne, this went on to be one of my most memorable sessions. I was seeing a couple for the second time. He was into some pretty extreme pain and we had explored that in the first session without incident. I knew he was ex-military and had my suspicions why he was exploring pain so I always made sure he was very secure when we ratcheted it up. About half way through the second session he had an episode. He tensed up and his whole demeanor changed but he hadn't said a word, so I bent down (he as tied to a bench on all fours) so I could look in his face and he said, "I'm in a very dark place right now" and then his whole body started to violently shake as he tested the bonds. I swear if he was free in that moment he would have killed us both. I just did what instinct told me to do. I put my face against his and told him he was safe - to just let it out and we would be here when he was finished. It ended in a matter of seconds but it seemed like a lifetime. His wife came and stroked and held him and when I was sure he was past it, I let him go. I told him to hug his wife and they pulled me into their circle and we all cried. It was amazing. I got an email a few months later telling me how much happier they were since the event. It was like a purging of bad. He told her the VA should send vets with PTSD to see Pro Dommes.

I think we have all had creepy feelings about guys and I have learned to trust my instincts with that. If they feel "off" they will usually act "off" and it might not be worth the risk. We have a nut job here in Atlanta that has held a couple of Dommes against their will. So far he hasn't hurt anyone but I think he is escalating and headed for disaster. I am fortunate that the very first contact I had with him was a nasty text and I googled the number and it came back with his real name and business. What an idiot. He still tries to book with all of us and changes his name, email and even phone number trying to get through. He's a real piece of work.

Those are all very interesting accounts of sessions gone awry. I'm actually a bit surprised (and heartened) that so few clients have gone a little bonkers on you. I'm sure you can chalk part of that up to good screening.

I was intrigued by your mentioning of going over your notes from previous sessions of a returning client. Do you jot down notes of all sessions and keep them on file, or just keep notes on those clients who are regulars or who have the possibility of becoming regulars?

Thank you for a thought-provoking topic. As a submissive I have a few observations / experiences I'd like to share on the topic. If I am repeating myself from a post I did here or MF please forgive me.
1. If you are sessioning with a Domina for the first time in Her private dungeon, apartment or hotel room and YOU feel apprehensive, think about the Domina. She may do some screening (in the pre-internet days it was a phone conversation), but the Domina really doesn't know who is going to come through that door. Be at least a little tolerant to that view.
2. One safety tactic that I experienced at least a couple of times with first-time sessions was exactly the same. Ironically they were from Amazonian female bodybuilders (I'm 6' 1" around 235 lbs. or so and they were taller, probably stronger than me), is a phone call a couple of minutes after I entered the room. The conversations were something like, "Yeah, I'm fine. About to start now. Bye," and both ladies made the point to say that a friend traveling with them called to see if all was well.
3. Another safety tactic: a growling guard dog. I love dogs but it was intimidating. One was a Doberman that I did eventually see after session, the other was a Pit Bull I heard, but never saw.
4. I've walked out of sessions quickly, at least three or four times on a first-time session. In a couple of cases it involved the Domina using old or misleading pics in her ads. In another couple of cases the Domina looked and sounded like she was drunk or on drugs. I left part or all of the tribute and got out of there.
5. Concerning notetaking on subs, I became a regular of the late, legendary Mistress Ava Taurel, first when she worked with the equally memorable Belle De Jour, and later as an independent. At one of our last sessions she referred to her diary at the end saying, "This roleplay is different than the next-door neighbor fantasy of last year, but the activities are the same." That may have spooked some subs, but not me. If it helped the session, and I'm sure it did, I'm all for it.
6. About the experiences Mistress Cheyenne and Mistress Ayn described, a handful of Mistresses I became regulars with told me at some point over the years, "I have to take a break from this," because some of the subs they would see had plenty of dark emotions that would come out in session and be put on the doorstep of the Domina. Mistresses in some cases are like therapists, no question about it.

Hello Zingish,

I take notes on every session, every time and I can't imagine that any busy Domme worth her salt doesn't do the same. Months and sometimes years go by between sessions and I want the reunion to be as seamless as possible. If I noticed that a sub loves to smell My hair or goes weak when My stockings brushed against his legs, I want to be able to tap into that. If a sub likes nipple pinching but not clamps I want to "remember" that. Plus I don't want to inadvertently do almost the same session again because I can't remember what we did in our previous session, so notes are imperative to me. I even write down what I wore.

Subs need not worry about discretion. It's all handwritten and most of it would be indecipherable to anyone but me or maybe another Domme and the only identifier is a first name, sometimes a last initial and sometimes a city or state if I have multiple john h's as an example. Everything is kept in my home under lock and key, as it should be.

The truth is that loving kink, BDSM and FemDom is not enough to be a pro long term. You have to also love people, be empathetic and be strong of mind and will. If you lack love and empathy you will become bitter and man hating. If you lack strength, the darkness in others will over power the light in you.

+1

Wow... Ok, joining this board probably is the best thing I've done this summer.

Some are stronger than others... but I completely agree. Well said.

We all quote you because this is remarkable and true. It also comes close to how I wanted to start my reply, which is to say that both you and Lady Cheyenne have equilibrium and optimism and what you project in a session is as important as the screening.

I have to say that I know of multiple cases where things turned out worse for other mistresses, and I am not talking of the obvious situations involving violence. These are not my stories to tell, but indeed situations like these do happen.

My personal experience is different in that I am not submissive but I am optimistic and tend to trust people, and not to worry about things which are not under my control. In the few situations where I had bad or scary experiences I blamed myself for not choosing well my partner.

I tend to be pretty selective too, which was not something true when I started. I know and understand the arguments against, but for me being able to see videos of a mistress before seeing her tells me a lot not only about her skill and compatibility but also about her.

Ayn

You nail it with this statement!

The best teachers I ever had weren't great because they excelled in their subject, but because they are great personalities.

Waiters don't get a big tip because of the skills with which they carry the plates, but because of their personality.

A physician friend of mine told me that the best advise he got while studying was that patients have almost no ability to judge the physician's technical skill, but judge them on the experience, atmosphere, personality and whether the patient has pain :-) during the treatment.

Good pro-domme sessions aren't memorable because of the technical skills of the pro-domme delivering it, neither her age or looks, but because of her personality!


P.S.
This is also why I like these boards. I'd session with you (and some other ladies) anytime if in your area, without even looking at your session profile, because of your well-reflected and flamboyant contributions!

Not sure.
There's a reason why some pro dominas get mentored at their beginnings or have to pay for technical courses.
Not the mention that some practices make no sense when they're not mastered, could even be dangerous.

I get the spirit of your post though and I subscribe to your enthusiasm!
But in my opinion, technical skill is just as important as the person herself.

I have done some angel-investment and learnt (unfortunately a bit too late) that one is much better off with a great personality as the CEO than a great scientist or engineer.

It is not that I discount a domme's skills. But what distinguishes a great domme is her attitude and personality...

That's why most of the great dommes are, or could be successful in completely different professions.
Take Daria in Warsaw whom we both know. I am sure she would excel in many other ventures. She is smart, diligent and has a great attitude. I am sure with her personality, she would quickly acquire another trade and be successful.

Seen on that light, I couldn't agree more with you.

To me, it is analogous to a physician's use of bedside manner. It is a skill that in my opinion is woefully undervalued. With a great Domina, you can sense her empathy even when you are undergoing physical abuse.

I have been doing some very long sessions, multiple days, where I am the entire time under full physical control of the domme, meaning defenselessly restrained.
So in one such session "my" domme brought a friend of hers (let's call her Nina) to the event. Not a domina, just a friend of "my" domme. Nina and I didn't know each others before. From the onset it wasn't clear, if Nina would engage into the session, but it only took a few hours for her to participate quite enthusiastically.

So about the second or third day, the domme felt safe enough to go away for some errands. So it was just Nina who had control over me, nobody else was in the house.
I took the opportunity and playfully suggested to Nina, that she was such a nice girl and that she should release me. She left the room and came back with the keys to my padlocks, held them in front of my eyes and then placed them on the floor, out of my reach and left me alone, leaving me, naked, with my hands securely chained to the ceiling, like in a movie.
While the keys were out of my reach, I could however reach a riding crop with my feet and with it I was able to reach the keys and eventually free me.
When Nina came back into the room, I turned the tables and overpowered her, but made it clear that the safe-word would also count for her.
We wrestled for a while, civilized and careful not to injure the other. She put up some resistance, but did not use the safe-word. Being male with about 50% weight "advantage" I was just stronger.
Then I started to provoke her, telling her what all I intended to do with her. I expected her to use the safe word, but she didn't use it, so eventually I "made a mistake" and she could overpower me again and put me back into my place, and obviously punished me for what I had done.

After the session, when we discussed the situation, I asked Nina whether she wasn't afraid: overpowered by an unknown naked man, alone in a house. And why she wouldn't use the safe-word.

She responded that she liked the power-struggle and was sure that I would not hurt her - and told me that by the way, she was a local champion in kick-boxing...

International,

I don't want to yuck your yum but it seems to me you're very lucky. This could have gone a very different way and you would have come out looking pretty bad. Was it negotiated prior to your escape that you could, if given the opportunity, "overpower her"? There are many reasons why someone who is scared and frightened while being overpowered might not use a safeword under those conditions. Fear can do strange things to us. They don't call it "deer in headlights" for nothing.

I've been released from one bondage position to be put in another many times, and never has it crossed my mind that this was an invitation to overpower my Domme during this transition. Rather, there is a spoken (or unspoken) trust that I will act respectfully and according to her wishes. If such an interest did cross my mind, the right thing to do would be to pre-discuss these interests with the Domme prior to the session and see if such a dynamic would be of interest to her. This goes double for someone inexperienced, like you described. There are probably many Dommes who would enjoy that type of dynamic and at least just as many who would not. You don't know until you ask.

I hope I'm misunderstanding, but this seems exactly the type of story I could see being on a Dommes "Have your ever been afraid?" story list. I think we should all give some careful thought to how we can best make sure to not inadvertently end up the subject of such a story.

--Tabula

Tabula

Your comment and concern is well taken and very fair.

It was not the first time I had played with the domme, and we had quite a few experiences with mutual overpowering, we had gradually drifted into that. So it would have been perfectly fine with her.

However I wasn't sure how much her friend "Nadia" was briefed, as I had not been involved into her briefing.

And I definitely wouldn't have done it, if she hadn't set up the atmosphere by provoking me, and this in a quite teasing way. So I took her up on it.

But I fully agree with you that such a situation can easily get out of hands. We really both played it well: she remained cool and in play mode, and I eventually backed off before she asked me to do so.

In terms of the "unspoken" rule about how to behave with a domme. Mutual respect is always a given - in any human interaction.
But in the end the session is a play, and I always put up some playful resistance when the domme transitions me. I want to feel her physical power, and so far I never ever had a negative response, but quite a few positive comments that they liked the playful physical challenge.

With Nadia it was not just limited resistance, it went quite further, and I agree with you that she easily could have interpreted my behavior as threatening rather than playful - which is why I think it fits into this thread.

In reference to the last words in your first sentence, that I am "very lucky".
Yes I am: Nadia is an amazing person and she is very successful in her own career. She isn't a pro-domme and I don't think she ever had a session with anybody else. But now and then we do have a multi-day session when both our time and travels allows, just to figure out how far we can push it! :-)

International,

Glad to hear the "overpowering" aspects of your session were expected in your case. I just wanted to post so that any less experienced subs reading this would know that "overpowering" your Domme is not typically expected behavior and shouldn't be entered into without clear communication and consent. Communication of interests and consent is a universal key ingredient to a fantastic session. I just want these wonderful women to feel as safe as possible so they can unleash their best art upon us.

-tab

I get that international knew the main Domme and in this case rightfully assumed it was okay to go there with the visiting one. Personally this would terrify me if it was not pre-negotiated and I would probably head for the taser or pepper spray;-) (I have never had to do that by the way.)

I probably wouldn't agree to it up front either. Early on I had a few people want to role play physically resisting and I found it not only fake but really awkward and really uncomfortable. I know a man can physically overpower me anytime he chooses and it's uncomfortable for me to pretend/play differently. Yes, I know that "pretending" that he is so enamored with me that he won't resist might be a stretch, but hey, let a girl dream.

Ayn

Thanks so much for adding your valuable thoughts.

Just to emphasize, it was not only only consensus with "my" domme, but also, the playful provocation of her friend, that gave me the impression that she was OK with turning it into kind of a wrestling play where I had a significant advantage.

I'd definitely love to session with you when in your part of the world and preferably without taser or pepper spray :-)

You bring up a good point with the balance of physical power. That is why I really like to be restrained throughout the whole session so that the "awkward" situation doesn't come up.

And in wrestling sessions (which I have done only very few of) I like a partner who is significantly stronger than I am, so I don't have to "pretend". If she is significantly stronger, it makes the whole venue much safer, particularly for me, because she can overpower me in a much more controlled way.

I always thought that pro-dommes fulfill our (customers) dreams, but great if we can also fulfill some of yours!

I would like that too.



Agreed. Anytime someone doesn't want bondage to be a part of the session I get a little suspicious - unless it's foot worship or feminization or something like that. I know some people are claustrophobic but to me bondage in an integral part of a session. Obviously in longer sessions positions must be changed - moving from the cross to a bench as an example. I find it tedious to hobble feet and tie hands to prevent the sub from running away or over powering me when we are only moving 4 feet to the next piece of equipment. I have agreed to guys offering up what they call light resistance but inevitably they don't know their own strength. I weight 120 pounds and am waking in stilettos so it doesn't take much resistance to throw me off balance. That is truly awkward! So instead I like to think that he is "broken" and wouldn't dream of escape, especially if I am leading him by the balls.



Absolutely!

This is different but related to your remarks about resistance. Years ago I was seeing a Domme fairly regularly. We had good chemistry and I liked her. She had said that she wrestled so one session I asked if we could wrestle and she said yes. She grabbed me and was trying to throw me down but in reality she wasn’t very strong and not much of a wrestler. I just stood there and offered some light resistance but not really doing much of anything but holding my position as she tried to subdue me. Suddenly she bit down hard on my ear causing it to bleed and said do not move. That was the end of the wrestling and we moved on to other activities. She was cool and I liked her so I wasn’t real upset but I could never figure out why she said she wrestled.

Ayn

I fully agree with you on the bondage aspect.
For me the fascination is the state of complete helplessness. With the riding crop you only reach my surface, but to reach my brain, I got to feel helplessness, which is difficult to achieve without being under physical control.

Having my hands chained to the back only for moving the 4 feet to the next equipment adds a lot to the excitement and feeling of helplessness. Once my wrists are secured behind my back, I know I am at the mercy of a 120 pound woman - particularly if she has a track-record of taking advantage of my vulnerabilities :-)
I don't look at this transition as "lost time", but rather as "fore play".

And of course, I had many good sessions, where the transition from one equipment to the other had the purpose of a one-minute break with feedback and water. And it would never have crossed my mind that it was anything else than that.

Tabula

Thanks for clarifying that.
You are probably right that my recount could be misunderstood.

Both sides are responsible that it is safe, sane and consensual.
And the more off the beaten track we go, the more explicit the consent got to be, and the less we can rely on "silent consent".
This, of course, is not limited to BDSM.

Was her name "Michaela Tyson"?

This is exactly why I only like to wrestle with women substantially stronger than me. This way it is much easier that we remain in fantasy-land and that it doesn't suddenly become serious.

For an outsider it is difficult to put the "ear-biting" event into context, but it seems you were cool with it.

I agree about wrestling with stronger and more skilled women. Believe me I have been trashed by a few. I liked wrestling because I wanted to feel the Domme could truly physically dominate me if she wanted rather then me just submitting but it was hard to find a Domme who could really do it. There were a few though.

The only thing that bothered me about the ear biting was I was worried about the little puncture hole and mark but it healed quickly. I still am perplexed as to why she bit me because I was not aggressive at all.