References

There is some discussion about the point of references in the main forum. I'd rather discuss my viewpoint about them in my own forum.

People mistakenly think that references, like other safety precautions, are meant to eliminate risk, and so if they don't do that then they are pointless. This is a misunderstanding of their purpose. There is nothing that eliminates the risks you take with a client -- except not seeing any. References are risk *reduction* measures.

If I ask for a reference from another Domme I take it as an indicator of what that client might be more or less likely to do. I take it as evidence that the client may be more reliable or safe than someone who has no one to vouch for them. I do not take it to mean that I will be guaranteed to not have an issue with them.

I have had clients for whom I've received a good reference act childishly, rudely, even criminally. Do I think I should stop asking for references because of this? Fuck no.

One time my checking references prevented a potentially dangerous situation. I found out a guy was lying about his and was on the blacklist for being abusive and making threats. (Which he did to me when I said I had to cancel our session.) Had I not checked and just thought a deposit was enough things could have gone very badly.

There are many other situations that they help protect us from. People who don't understand this may just lack the experience or imagination to know the gamut of risks we face in this line of work.

By the way, I'm a reference-friendly Domme and am happy to help keep my colleagues safer and my clients who need someone who put in a good word for them.

When I’m actively sesioning, I love giving references. I find a solid referral from an established Domme along with a careful, considerate, respectful intro email greatly improves my response rate, and seems to get me in the door faster. It’s also incredibly fair for a Domme to require one as as you’re a stranger on the internet who is in to kink. Who in their right mind would let that person in without some due diligence? The few escorts I’ve met, usually ask for a lot more verification.

Where I struggle, is when I take an extended hiatus (once was for a couple years), it’s kind of like starting over and hard to provide a good reference. I guess the easy solve is not to take a hiatus, lol.

I appreciate that you understand why many of us ask for references, Chi.

Us Dommes are all over the internet, with traceable histories, which act to help vet us to our prospective subs, but those who come to us? Someone could be a serial rapist or murderer. Ask yourselves: what would you do in our situation?

If I encounter a sub who uses just as much caution about the Dommes they see as a Domme may about them, I'm comforted. THIS, I think to myself, is a smart sub. They care about their well-being. This is the kind of thoughtful person I like to play with.



Yes, this is the downside to what can be a necessary break for some. Sometimes old references are accepted if you had an ongoing relationship with the Domme. Other times, if you are able in some other way to provide some kind of security to show that you're not someone who is going to try to hurt Her, that will suffice. Unfortunately, with the stories that many of us hear from other providers from time to time it makes us realize how risky this job can be.

Yes, agreed.

I have had guys who seem hesitant to give references because they see us as competition, when really other providers are our best support! If a sub feels like they are 'cheating' on a Domina, that's on them to know their relationship before coming to me or not.

I have certainly gotten some much appreciated clarity from other Dommes and am always happy to pass it on when I can. I have also yet to come across anyone hostile in response to a reference request.

I've got only respect for the safety of women involved in this. But what is a first time client to do? Fortunately, I won't be a first time client much longer. The lady I have an appointment with didn't ask for a reference. Maybe because my girlfriend is coming with me? Maybe she has security at her place? I really don't know. If you don't mind my asking, Mistress Tissa, how do you handle a session request from someone who is brand spanking new?

Yes. Some confuse a personal relationship and a professional one. Both subs and Dommes. Some allow themselves to become emotionally entangled. That is why they think going to another Domme, and asking for a reference in order to do that, is or might be perceived as "cheating".



Same. When they are kind enough to really want to help and be concerned about my safety I sincerely appreciate it.



Unfortunately, I have had some Dommes be unfriendly -- if not downright shitty -- about a reference. A couple who otherwise have stellar reputations in the community. Obviously some people feel very threatened. I understand that but being rude to a colleague isn't going to help...

I don't discuss the different methods I use to vet those I play with because they would be more easy to circumvent.

I will only say they aren't unreasonable or unsafe.

Ha, right?! Not going to help your reputation. So unfortunate.

Here's to women supporting women x