How do you feel about them? I don't see there as being a right or, wrong way to keep an eye on limits and, safety in session. It is different for everyone and, every situation.

For me, I stopped using code words early into my career as a ProDom. This came about after a young man had driven over 3 hours for a two hour session. He went into detail about how he is into corporal punishment but, no dom had ever gone hard enough with him. So, we had, what I thought was the best session I had done, to that date. No skin was broken. There were no raised welts. But, it was intense. Throughout the session, I would lean into his ear and, whisper just how much I was enjoying punishing him...and, I truly was. After the session, I expected him to be ecstatic. To my surprise, he was really upset. He said it was all he could do to keep from punching me and, that I had gone way too hard. I asked him why he didn't use the code word. He said, "I didn't want to be a pansy and, you were enjoying it. I wouldn't have felt like much of a man if I cried uncle." My heart just sank. I encouraged him to come back and, see me for free. Of course, I never heard from him again. I felt so bad about it and, hoped it wouldn't discourage him from exploring scene play. Shortly after, I made the decision not to have code words and, use open communication instead. For me, it worked like a charm. This seemed to put my subs and, me more in emotional touch. And, it didn't make someone feel as if they were in a match not to cry uncle.

I'd love to hear other's thoughts and, experiences with code words and, limits.

My Code Words are usually “ouch, it hurts”.

One time when seeing a Domme for a first time she had the whole green, yellow, and red thing going. After warm up canning she said she was going start canning at different force to see where my level was at. After some canning she would ask what color was she at. It was awkward at first, but it was only for the first session. I’ve been giving a safe word, but never had to use it.

LOL. Some men say that to be a smart ass or, because they really want the Mistress to do harder. It can be a challenge when a man wants to be pushed or, forced to do something he really wants to do. If I got that reaction in a session, most of the time, I'd probably say, "Yes, I know. It is why I tied you up first." This, not to cross anyone's lines but, most of the time, "Ouch, that hurts," really means, "Put me in my place."

I can see that for the first session. I've done that with video slaves to see how much they can be pushed on camera. For the color coded safety words all of the time, I've always found it odd. A client came to see me once and, wanted to play that way. It had the feel of giving someone a massage with a cane. A little higher, a little lower, ect. I'm all for to each their own...but, I wouldn't have wanted to play that way on an on going basis. Glad this worked out for you. It seems like a great way to evaluate a new play partner.

Hi Cheyenne,

I still establish safe words in a first session, mainly because many clients expect it and think you are unprofessional if you don't. Personally I agree with you that they are limiting and when people really need to use them, that won't (like you described above) or don't have the clarity of thought to use them. So, when I establish safe words I also make it clear that this is not my first rodeo and that I am pretty good at figuring out when someone is near a limit, but that the words are there in the event they need them.

Domina M put her views on safe words very eloquently in a post in her forum and I couldn't say it any better. It's here.

Thanks for your response and, the link. Domina M has a great way with words. I identify 100% with her experience with code words.

I strongly dislike green/yellow/red -- it feels too much like manipulating her through remote control. At least the green ("go harder") and yellow ("Don't go harder") do; red seems to operate like a standard issue safeword.

With dommes who are both new to me, and newer to the scene, I always give as an idea a protocol I enjoy that enhances communication (similar to stoplight) without breaking roles. It's just an idea I throw out that is totally her option, but a number of new-ish dommes have liked it. BAsically, it's:



Or, in other words, when I hit my very limit, I indicate this to her by saying something humiliating or doing something humiliating. This signals her the first few times, both what my pain limit is, and my facial and body expressions so she knows how to read me. It's not really "code words", but submissive words or actions, just used to communicate to her the first time "this is about my limit for intensity, and this is how I look and behave when I'm at that limit".

Love it! This is so hot!

I always want people to know they can stop the scene if they need to. I ask them if they have a safeword. Most don't, so I assign one. I make it clear that I want them to use it if something is really wrong and they want me to stop the scene entirely. (I have never had anyone safeword out.)

I tend to like to use the stoplight method as a way of getting to know someone's subjective experience. It's a good way to simplify communication without breaking the mood of the scene. Though I'm good at intuiting and reading where people are at, once in a while there's a person who is more stoic and difficult to place.

So, I tell them that if they feel I'm close to crossing their threshold from hot to not to say "yellow" and if I hit it, but they don't want to stop the scene, to say "red". This allows the client to feel that they have some control over the scene if they need it to keep enjoying themselves.

While I've never had any say red either, and I usually know when to stop before a yellow, once in a while someone will say it. Most of the time they tell me they said it because they were afraid. Then I resume with them feeling more comfortable about my being in control but still respecting the limits of their submission.

In some cases, people don't want to use them at all and take whatever I give them. Of course, that's absolutely fine! But some people are very nervous (usually new players in the first or second sessions) and this helps them relax into the scene better.