Hi Friends:

I thought about putting this post up on Max Fisch years ago, but for some reason I never did, perhaps because it’s very personal. For many years, I thought I might be doing this all wrong. You see, I gravitate towards being exclusive with one Domme almost by instinct, but have sometimes questioned whether that's the correct approach to take. My perception is that folks in the scene try to see more than one Mistress partly for the fun and variety of that experience, but also to avoid potentially unhealthy emotional entanglements. For me, however, an emotional connection is an important part of the equation. I love belonging exclusively to one Mistress. The devotion I feel for her is an important part of the fuel that fires my rockets!

Because my approach to submission makes me potentially vulnerable, I needed to find someone very special to share this type of connection with, somebody I could trust implicitly. It took me a while to find her. If I might use a fairy tale analogy, it was a bit like Goldilocks and the three bears. One Mistress was too cold, the other Mistress was too hot, but after years of searching, I’ve finally found the Mistress who is just right for me!

I also needed to do some work on myself before I was truly ready for this experience. I had to go all the way down the rabbit hole and get my heart broken, not just once but a couple of times. I had to find a kink-friendly therapist and work on my boundary issues before I was ready to serve Mistress Right. It's a tricky balancing act. You almost have to live in two realities at once. As a client, I must always remember that my relationship with my Domme is both personal AND professional. It’s a very unique sort of relationship, like no other I have encountered, and a different set of rules apply. The closest thing I can compare it to, would be a relationship with a therapist or a personal trainer, though it’s much more intimate than that, of course. If you approach a Domme as you would a therapist or a personal trainer, the monogamous model still works. How many therapists or personal trainers does any one person need to see at any given time? Usually just one, I should think.

Now that I have found Mistress Right, I am extremely happy and have been so, not just for a few fleeting moments, but for a period of several years. In fact, it will be six years in January since I started seeing Mistress Victoria Cayne . In her, I have found someone who I adore, but also trust implicitly, someone so highly skilled and versatile that I could spend a lifetime with her and the well would never run dry. Our relationship is very stable, unlike some of the others, which felt like intense roller coaster rides with lots of emotional upheaval. We have an unbelievably great connection. What can I say? I’m deeply grateful to MVC for being in my life and I know for sure how fortunate I am.

Although the accepted wisdom in the pro scene might lean toward polygamy, I know there are other subs out there who think like I do. Subs? What is your preference? Do you prefer monogamous or polygamous connections in the pro scene? Dommes, what are you thoughts on the subject? Thanks for reading and I look forward to hearing from you.

As a Domme, I like devotion BUT as a pervert I think it's hot when one of my subs sees another Domme (especially if that Domme is my friend) and we incorporate their previous scene into our dynamic.

Bravo! Congratulations on your self-awareness and self-improvement. A kink-aware therapist is (almost) always a good decision. (Like dominas, not all therapists are good, but many are.) A good therapist is really on your side and helps you refine your needs that are authentically yours instead of what you might think you need or have to be.

As a therapy veteran myself, I highly recommend it to kinksters trying to navigate a landscape specifically meant to "break rules and taboos." It's helped me with pro-domme pitfalls such as "believing one's own hype" or "comparison traps." I love where I take my practice now, where I can be very caring for my clients but keep healthy boundaries--for all involved. Some clients want the drama of boundaries pushed, and I am "too professional" for them. That's fine. I am sure they will find someone better suited.

Anyway, Ms Cayne is amazing, and I wish you both a long and healthy journey in kink.

Hi Domina M:

Great to hear from you! Thanks so much for your kind words and gracious reply! Finding a kink friendly therapist helped me better understand myself, figure out what was wrong with my approach to the scene and modify it accordingly so my orientation was healthier and more positive. Pro sessions should be beneficial. They should leave a client feeling more positive about himself and life in general. One clue that things weren't quite right with me was the awful sub drop I used to experience between sessions. I never experience that anymore, since going into therapy and finding MVC. I'd heard of boundaries before going into therapy, and thought I knew what they were, but I didn't honestly understand them or how they worked. Folks need boundaries on both sides of the whip in this type of relationship, any type of relationship really, but BDSM especially I think. I'm with you about finding a GOOD therapist too. They aren't all good, just as all Dommes aren't good, so it's crucial to find a really good one. I made the "kink friendly" part the most important part of my search when looking for a therapist and it worked out really well for me.

Thanks also for your kind words about MVC. She's the best and just adore her!

I like the way your mind works and feel like this is one of the great things about playing in the pro scene. Although I'm very devoted to my Mistress, I totally love playing with her and a friend! Many thanks for your reply. Great hearing from you.

I 1000% agree with this. Understanding boundaries has helped my relationship with clients immensely. I find I can go deeper and harder as the boundaries become clearer. My approach, for example, is to separate that a client is not actually a "worthless, dirty whore," but instead someone who finds it exciting to be called a "worthless, dirty whore." That's okay. Hey, I like to dress like Catwoman and kick people in the balls, but I can do that and still be a nice, caring person. (Yay therapy!)

I see more dominas in NYC, SF, and LA taking this approach, and I think it's a positive trend in the industry. I am really glad you posted this, and I hope it inspires more subs to try this route.

I love this! Yes! Exactly!