This is a post (non-political) that i can respond to. It is a very important one for me, and something i've always wondered about. i have an SO that i love deeply. And before we connected many, many years ago i was dabbling into BDSM. my first experience that brought me there was as an 8-10 year old(?) when we were naked in our fully enclosed yard and my brother as a joke brought the (very pretty) neighborhood girls into the yard to see me naked and laugh at me. For whatever reason, it excited me. i truly believe that's where it all started.

Many, many years later upon my initial meeting with my SO, when sex began i tried to at least show her some of my submissiveness. Mostly by going down on Her and proving that it was my job to please Her. i did want to show Her that side, so She would accept me that way or not. i don't think it sunk in in Her mind. (It's not like i didn't enjoy intercourse with Her, but much, much more enjoyed orally pleasing Her)

But the sub/service feelings are still there. i tried to get Her to play with me in a dominant way, but even though She didn't hate anything i keep trying to have Her do, She wasn't really into it.

So what do i do? We were/are in a lifetime commitment. But... of course i still had massive BDSM urges. So over the years, i've sessioned maybe about 2-3 times per year. However, the guilt of "not being faithful" to someone i truly love & wish to spend the rest of my life with, eats me up.

In a way i feel lucky that "my" awesome Domme retired about 2 years ago, and of course Covid.

Sometimes i think my SO has a thought of what i may be doing when i go to session - away for at least a day. And also i don't think she'd care too much as long as no intercourse - which of course isn't going to happen with any Domme (at least that i know). i feel She'd be more upset about the fact that i was spending "X" amount of money to session.

i've been torn by this forever! Want to be a faithful partner, and as i couldn't bring SO over to the kinks i like, what can i do? Guilt, guilt, guilt! i also get the feeling that "vanilla women" who find out a male is submissive, look at them as a "wimp" and not a sexy & strong man they'd want to be with and/or get turned on by.

Any thoughts would be welcome, and would sure like to live without the guilt.