I found this interesting because I don’t feel or get the impression from others that I neatly fall into either category. I suspect that’s true for a lot of people, as some of the other posts suggest. I'm clearly an introvert, and on the surface, I’d probably fit the alpha in vanilla life, submissive in kink narrative pretty well, but it’s far more complicated and dynamic than that, and environmental factors play a big role.

In vanilla life, I am always confident and in control (self-employed for 20 years), but I’m dismissive rather than competitive and I don’t have a need to be in charge. In fact, I sort of abhor the alpha label. For me, it’s more about being self-sufficient and meeting professional and personal responsibilities, yet remaining humble and respectful of others. If you have a need to be in charge, go for it, but don't expect me to follow (I'll just find it amusing). If I can learn from or collaborate with you, I’m fine being an equal partner of having you take the lead; but in the end, I'm going to get where I need to go with or without you. When it comes to family, I'll pretty much make any sacrifice for your benefit. And in those situations where I’ve been swept off my feet by a woman, I’m never nervous or lacking in confidence, yet feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty also seem to be there, especially early on.

On the kink side, being submissive comes naturally, but I don’t think it has anything to do with needing to relinquish the control or responsibilities I have in vanilla life. It’s just really fun for me to be a sub. When a Domme is enjoying her power over me it’s awesome, but I’ve learned it’s important to retain your self-respect, even in the deepest throws of submission. After playing for 25 years, I subscribe more than ever to the notion that submission is a beautiful and precious thing, but it’s not about being powerless. Rather, it’s about making a conscious decision to gift that power to someone else who deserves it. Knowing whether someone truly deserves that gift can sometimes take a while to figure out, but mutual trust and respect should always be the basis of D/s relationships and play.

Whether any of this seems paradoxical, I’m not sure, but I think it captures how I see myself in terms of being alpha or beta.