A couple of months ago I had my first femdom session after years of contemplating. In all the session was very good and I enjoyed every second of it. If my lifestyle would allow it I would have seen one every day or if I could find a lifetime partner even better!

Before the session she said that out of session we are our normal selves but inside session you belong to me and that sounded erotic actually.

However during the session she said that I am there to satisfy her needs and not the other way around and that confused me a bit. During the session I stayed in my role and said yes and enjoyed being controlled by another person for an hour withing my set limits and red lines.

My question is, does she know that out of session I am actually seeing her to satisfy my needs and not hers just as she sees my to satisfy her own desires and not mine?

Welcome to the forum. I can't definitively speak for that individual Domme, but I would say it was part of the role play. Most clients want to hear that they are there to serve a Mistress's needs. That is kind of the point. I find it a bit odd that it threw you off in session.

From the perspective of a Domme, we walk a fine line of being "service tops" and true dominants in session. A Domme with longevity in the business is able to take your interests and wrap them into a scene where her needs are met.

What Mistress Ayn said.

Most people who go into a femdom session aren't actually looking for a Mistress who dirty talks about how she's going to be such a good service top and make her sub so happy. I've had many requests in my long career and "talk about how you're just here to cater to my desires" is one I've never gotten. Nor would I take it! As far as I'm concerned that would be a sub session, which is not something I do. I'm a dominant, I like dominating, pleasing myself and pleasing my submissive are not actually remotely mutually exclusive.

I hope you contnue with your exploration. I started out 20+ years ago looking for Dommes to satisfy my needs as a service top and almost 6 years ago I found a few very special Dommes, like Mistress Ayn, and my present Mistress that I am collared to, who cultivated my interests into ways that led me to service them and their desires by controlling my urges and then using me to entertain them in a way they found enjoyable. In the end, it did give me what I hoped to find which were Women, whom I adore and worship, that would find joy in exerting control over me to service them. My present Mistress keeps me on a tight leash at times and I remain chaste to her. I have learned the true definition of a Goddess which She is like Mistress Ayn. I may be approaching the end of my ability to take brutal CP sessions but amazing Mistresses like these know how to plan out amazing encounters that are epic on every level. I for one am grateful to them for allowing me to be myself and escape into their world for the time we get to share.

While I concur with what Mistress Ayn and Maya Midnight did say they both chose to ignore this problematic last sentence. It sounds like you are fantasizing that if you get to socialize with her outside of a session you are going to "get lucky"

Put that out of your mind

I don't feel like I have enough information to pinpoint the disconnect but it sounds like maybe it's a combination of you not knowing how professional and cultural BDSM works and/or problems with your scene negotiation.

Are you looking for a Dominant or a service top? Because if you say



This sounds like you want a service top, which is someone who isn't actually Dominant in the scene but someone who assumes the top role and delivers what you want in the way you want it, what I tend to call a "kinky waitress" or "Burger King Domme" (having it your way).

Usually, a Dominant is blending the needs of both into the scene. Contrary to what you may think, it's not just about you getting served, it's about the needs of all scene participants. If you just want someone to just "serve" you, then you don't want a Dominant.

I've been thinking a lot this year about my first few BDSM sessions "in a land long ago and far away" - 1974 Manhattan. I found out about the scene via Screw Magazine and its escorts listing as a college kid. I began to check out the BDSM section and there was a mature, "exotic" (turned out to be Jewish) domina whose small ad and black & white pic turned me on. I hadn't had a date in a year or so. I nervously called the ad. She answered and spoke so assertively and in such a sexy manner I was transfixed. We talked about the role play I'd like. I made an appointment.

Without giving a "blow by blow" experience the hour or so I spent with this woman was an education. She was late 40s, I was 21, and she taught me things I'm turned on by even today. She enjoyed herself with me in ways, she said, "Don't ever tell anyone what I did." LOL!

There was no script, no anticipation that we would do "this or that." It was extemporaneous, like a jazz rift. I acted like she hired me to entertain HER, and it was a wise lesson. That's how I approached every session I've ever had. For 90, 95% of the sessions I've had with that approach, you get as much or more, than you give... and you both enjoy yourselves.

You got many answers from people meaning well. Just keep in mind that some might expect you to conform to an orthodoxy you might not like or even be aware of. I have often thought that there is a lot of cult like adhesion and group think about what you are supposed to do and not to do - this is unrelated to any of the previous replies. It will take more than one or a few sessions to figure out what you are looking for and what you need and you are the only one who can do it.

In my first few years I just went through the motions and it took me a long time to figure this out. Don't be afraid to refuse things you don't like or to stop a session which goes in the wrong direction.

Try to do your homework before a session and find out as much as you can about the mistress you are about to meet. Try to find videos or reviews of her in similar situations to what you expect to do. This is time well spent which can pay dividends.

Komodo is very wise. It is excellent advice.

I would emphasize that research is key. Do as much as possible.

As for conformity, once the door is closed (in a dungeon, hotel, home, etc.) and it is you and the Mistress the fetishes and activities to be explored are between the both of you. If you have partnered with the right Mistress things will go well.

Great discussion. A fine wine takes time so enjoy the ride and learn as you go. Homework and research is the key.