Alpha vs. Beta

I had dinner with a sub/client recently and he brought up an interesting concept. Speaking for himself he said that he was not truly alpha, but more of a beta male forced into an alpha role in work and family. He has never had an easy time communicating with women or feeling confident around them. Playing the forceful negotiator/enforcer at work tests his limits regularly, it's stressful and it's a real effort to stay in the alpha role sometimes. That is one of the reasons he thinks he enjoys FemDom sessions so much. He can let all that go temporarily and be the beta he truly is, with no negative ramifications at work or in his personal life.

It's common knowledge that most subs that visit Dommes are very "in charge" in their everyday lives and that is one reason they come to submit - so they have a safe place to let go and NOT be in control. But I am curious. How do you subs see yourselves - as more alpha or beta?

Hi Mistress Ayn, As usual this is a really insightful post. i too am alpha at work, though I see my beta side shine through from time to time, and that can be helpful in certain customer meetings....customer meetings may be the only time when "topping from the bottom" is helpful!
I love the opportunity to let go and be more of my true self. For me, it is these three things 1) give up control 2) connect with the domme so we both have fun in session- if not fun for her, it won't be fun for me 3)the taboo nature of what we are doing is really exciting.
there is a part of me that feels guilt - that this beta part of me is more laziness....it takes work to be in charge and the responsibility involved is stressful, there is a part of me that is a people pleaser...i guess thats why i like the cuckold fantasy and forced feminization, also lets not forget ........beautiful, intelligent, powerful women as most dommes are- are hugely charismatic and fun to be around.
With all of this said, i see my self as beta with learned habits of alpha for success in day to day life.
i hope to session one day with You, i am sure it would be AMAZING!!!

I'm a beta though bear in mind I'm more masochist than sub. I am also very introverted and the whole alpha/beta dynamic means less with us introverts than it does with extroverts (we tend to do our own thing).

Lastly I do sometimes play the BDSM game from the top. I do recall one sub being disappointed with our sole encounter and didn't want to see me again saying that she was looking for an "alpha male".

Very interesting question. I am very competitive with men. I often want to be the best or the most. Even at the bdsm parties that I have been comfortable at, I want to be the most submissive.

I am almost always deferential to women.

Interesting thought by The Thomas about the introvert. I am a bit introverted.

Interesting contributions by all of you. I hadn't thought about the introvert aspect. Introverts are often mistaken for "betas" but that is not always accurate. A tremendous amount of subs are introverted, in My experience.

I think I am somewhere in between. I never wanted the responsibility of an "alpha". I'm more of the type who wants to go off and do my own thing. I do get very angry/aggressive if my feel like someone is on my case, riding me ( in a non-sexy way ).

Still, I feel comfortable with women telling me what to do. I think I could be happy in relationship that functioned like a modern vanilla relationship with a lot of bidirectional feedback/consideration, but when it came time to make a solid decision my GF would wear the pants. It would be interested to try such an arrangement out where how things worked out were explicitly stated at the beginning and I felt reassured that despite being "beta" to her "alpha" I would still be respected and wanted.

Introverts tend to have a more elaborate fantasy life.

I found this interesting because I don’t feel or get the impression from others that I neatly fall into either category. I suspect that’s true for a lot of people, as some of the other posts suggest. I'm clearly an introvert, and on the surface, I’d probably fit the alpha in vanilla life, submissive in kink narrative pretty well, but it’s far more complicated and dynamic than that, and environmental factors play a big role.

In vanilla life, I am always confident and in control (self-employed for 20 years), but I’m dismissive rather than competitive and I don’t have a need to be in charge. In fact, I sort of abhor the alpha label. For me, it’s more about being self-sufficient and meeting professional and personal responsibilities, yet remaining humble and respectful of others. If you have a need to be in charge, go for it, but don't expect me to follow (I'll just find it amusing). If I can learn from or collaborate with you, I’m fine being an equal partner of having you take the lead; but in the end, I'm going to get where I need to go with or without you. When it comes to family, I'll pretty much make any sacrifice for your benefit. And in those situations where I’ve been swept off my feet by a woman, I’m never nervous or lacking in confidence, yet feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty also seem to be there, especially early on.

On the kink side, being submissive comes naturally, but I don’t think it has anything to do with needing to relinquish the control or responsibilities I have in vanilla life. It’s just really fun for me to be a sub. When a Domme is enjoying her power over me it’s awesome, but I’ve learned it’s important to retain your self-respect, even in the deepest throws of submission. After playing for 25 years, I subscribe more than ever to the notion that submission is a beautiful and precious thing, but it’s not about being powerless. Rather, it’s about making a conscious decision to gift that power to someone else who deserves it. Knowing whether someone truly deserves that gift can sometimes take a while to figure out, but mutual trust and respect should always be the basis of D/s relationships and play.

Whether any of this seems paradoxical, I’m not sure, but I think it captures how I see myself in terms of being alpha or beta.

Great topic Mistress Ayn, i see myself as a selective alpha and that selectivity has come with age.

In work i see myself giving up more and more of the day to day responsibilities that i used to demand were all mine.

i am more strategically alpha these days letting others grown by making more and more of the daily decisions but i still hold the final say when it suites me.

As i went to write that i still have things at work on tight leash but i have left a little more slack in the lead these past few years. After i wrote this, i smiled and realized that this statement could represents the likely outcome of a long term Mistress / sub relationship. Alpha /beta Life is similar when i am at work and when i am serving a Mistress in the Dungeon.

Let me explain, when a sub is first in service to a Dominatrix She has to keep him in check as limits are made clear and the relationship develops.

What a Dominatrix has to make a sub accept in earlier sessions (no slack in the leash) can later on, if the relationship blossoms, be accomplished with a slack leash because the sub is conditioned to obey i.e. think and act in a certain way, much like a junior at work advances in their decision making process and their reward is less oversight.

i am sure that there area lot of situations where the commands given to a sub would be obeyed solely because of the respect the sub has for the Domme's power and authority over him. i can imagine that You have lots of subs who will obey You with nothing more than a symbolic loose lead to guide them.

Your Final Say is the leash and collar in a session yet i believe that some subs may be so attuned to service that they will obey You without needed restraint. Why, because they crave the feeling that comes from devoted obedience.

Maybe it is the beta in us that has emotionally transferred and transformed from our work alpha that creates a strong desire for some of us to serve unconditionally.

This raises a question for the Dominatrix, would a sub who behaved like a well trained dog and accepted voice rather in lieu of leash commands move you more into Domme Space?

Every Domme and sub are different , and of course each Relationship/relationship is different. In my case i cannot image refusing any of the commands for session activity that i have already experienced under the tutelage of my Dominatrix.

Sometimes a physical leash is needed because it is part of a session or part of a build up to something new, but in many cases as a Domme / sub relationship evolves the act of doing what the Mistress wants solely as a result of her asking the sub to do it, may turn the intensity level of a session up past 10 and onto 11.

As an example, it is one Command level for the Mistress to lead a collared and leashed unwilling sub across a dungeon floor and into a forced bi session. It would be a fare different scenario if the Mistress simply told the reluctant but well trained sub to crawl over to the Saint Andrews Cross and as part of a verbal forced bi-session provide release to the sub waiting for relief.

Thank you all for your well thought out and honest answers. Since posting this and reading your replies I have come to the conclusion that I don't connect well at all with the classically Alpha, type A, extroverted client. I have had a few of them lately and although the challenge to get them "under control" in session might be intriguing (and rewarding when it's accomplished), it gets tiresome and eventually irritating. Thankfully they don't present too often.