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I am not that sure about this one. Being open can hurt. But you formulated it smartly "...couldn't be completely open...". You don't say that your intention is to be completely open. (About "to do it again": I have the best spouse! I don't want to do it again)

Yes.

You are correct that I don't think there is much doubt about whether the activity is "cheating" on a spouse if you are doing it without their knowledge and consent (since, in most cases, you don't bring it up because you innately understand they wouldn't consent to that and would consider it cheating).

However, I am not making a value judgement about whether the activity is wrong or not as circumstances absolutely play into that. There are many cases that this "outside" activity is truly helpful to the relationship between a man and his spouse. By removing that need/pressure, especially when the spouse is totally against those activities, you allow both parties to be happier.

But, that doesn't mean it still isn't "cheating" by pretty much everyone's definition outside of yourself.

Yeah, I see where that could be confusing. My lovely wife passed away over ten years ago. I'm now engaged to another woman. In the first few years of our courtship, I kept my passion for visiting professionals from her. She nearly caught me. I came clean with her. She kept me. It is so much easier to breath without the fear of getting caught. Looking back, I wouldn't repeat the double life.

I think you're trying to split hairs. I don't think people would read the SlaveGunner's question and assume he was saying that if you're cheating and then tell your spouse it's magically no longer cheating.

This is a very egocentric view.

Some guys haven't even given their partner a chance to understand, but they are certain she would not. What I think is often the case is that the guy lacks the courage to discuss it with her.

Gentlemen, you owe it not only to your partner but yourself to be honest about your needs. You will both be much happier.



This is great, but you can be open with her now.

Fair statement - I can agree.

And congratulation to your 1000st post here!

Everyone owes it to themselves and cherished partners to conduct their relationships in the best way they see fit for their unique situation.

That is amazingly well put.

It seems we have a fundamental difference of opinion on what it means to "cherish" someone.