That is a good suggestion. I will talk to my friend about it. As it is now, as jealous as his girlfriend is, he is leaning toward renting a dungeon, surprising her with a really cool outfit and hoping that not only does she feel special but understand that he needs more play.

Let me ask you this, how do you balance the vanilla relationship while having an interest in kink?

This is a post (non-political) that i can respond to. It is a very important one for me, and something i've always wondered about. i have an SO that i love deeply. And before we connected many, many years ago i was dabbling into BDSM. my first experience that brought me there was as an 8-10 year old(?) when we were naked in our fully enclosed yard and my brother as a joke brought the (very pretty) neighborhood girls into the yard to see me naked and laugh at me. For whatever reason, it excited me. i truly believe that's where it all started.

Many, many years later upon my initial meeting with my SO, when sex began i tried to at least show her some of my submissiveness. Mostly by going down on Her and proving that it was my job to please Her. i did want to show Her that side, so She would accept me that way or not. i don't think it sunk in in Her mind. (It's not like i didn't enjoy intercourse with Her, but much, much more enjoyed orally pleasing Her)

But the sub/service feelings are still there. i tried to get Her to play with me in a dominant way, but even though She didn't hate anything i keep trying to have Her do, She wasn't really into it.

So what do i do? We were/are in a lifetime commitment. But... of course i still had massive BDSM urges. So over the years, i've sessioned maybe about 2-3 times per year. However, the guilt of "not being faithful" to someone i truly love & wish to spend the rest of my life with, eats me up.

In a way i feel lucky that "my" awesome Domme retired about 2 years ago, and of course Covid.

Sometimes i think my SO has a thought of what i may be doing when i go to session - away for at least a day. And also i don't think she'd care too much as long as no intercourse - which of course isn't going to happen with any Domme (at least that i know). i feel She'd be more upset about the fact that i was spending "X" amount of money to session.

i've been torn by this forever! Want to be a faithful partner, and as i couldn't bring SO over to the kinks i like, what can i do? Guilt, guilt, guilt! i also get the feeling that "vanilla women" who find out a male is submissive, look at them as a "wimp" and not a sexy & strong man they'd want to be with and/or get turned on by.

Any thoughts would be welcome, and would sure like to live without the guilt.

I feel you on the guilt. And if its any consolation i am guessing a lot of us do. I try to justify it by saying this is something i really need and when i look back on life i will be happier that i did it. It doesnt relieve the guilt but it helps to rationalize it for me. These are tough conversations to have with a partner and in many ways has led to me staying single. I have found that a kink friendly professional therapist can help with those feelings.

I too have fought the perception that submissive men are wimps. Nothing wrong with that if that is your thing. But i enjoy filling what many would consider traditional male roles even though i an submissive. Things like cutting down trees, working on cars, and staining decks. I also work very hard to provide financially in a relationship. Im no pushover either. Ive been involved in a few long term relationships with pro dommes. Im an equal partner in the decision making even i am still the submissive. That to me leads to be viewed as sexy and strong even if i am submissive. It doesn't work for everyone but it works for me and the women i do this with.

Thanks Spark,

i do feel like i need the "submissive play release" to enjoy life and not feel pent up desires. i think i'd go a bit crazy without that "playtime!" It is a great feeling as i'm sure we all know here on this board.

Re: the sub wimp concept, i work very hard and am an excellent provider. Do many typical male things & would consider myself in standard male roles. Not a "Macho" man for sure as i don't even like that type of person. Of course i treat Women with great respect as we all should, but it's if i'm a subbie in the bedroom, how can she still respect me? If i have Her "dirty" scented panties over my face during sex, does She think i'm crazy? a perv? or a wimp? Bottom line is, does She see me as less of a man, and not as desirable in several ways? i've pretty much dropped the BDSM stuff in our bedroom because of these concerns.

And after slowly trying to introduce sub kink things in the bedroom, i am sure that She's not really in to them. More just going along with it to please me. i know pushing the envelope would ruin things, so i need to session every now and then.

Still leaves me with the guilt though. ugh!

Would love to hear any thoughts from Dommes (and others) here about this mix up of feelings.

i am, as many others, in the same situation as you. my wife isn't really interessted in kinky stuff; we tried several times, but i can feel she is really not into this.

This leads to three options:
a) give up and try to neclect your desires
b) fullfil your kinky desires with a pro
c) find another partner.

As i do love my wife, c) isn't an option for me. And as you know how really difficult it is to find a sexually dominant female...

As after a session i do feel so much better and relaxt for weeks, it is just something i can't deny forever. So, for me, i chose b).

And: with a pro, there is no question: does/can she still respect me as a partner. A pro just doesn‘t care. As long as i am a decent bloke and help her pay her bills, she 'likes' me.
And if you find a really good one you keep seeing for years, it can become close to a friendship 'light'.

Slv4u,

Yes it's quite the dilemma. All you said is so true for me. And I have chosen as you did/do.

Would really LOVE to hear Domme's input in regard to this situation! Is this something you hear from Your subs often?

i was fortunate to build as very good friendship (not clingy/scary!) with "my" Domme. It was great and She was the best i ever sessioned with. Unfortunately She retired, and post Covid, i'd hope to find someone equal, but i seriously doubt that is possible for a various number of reasons. Sigh.

This is a struggle that I've seen a lot of men face. I feel strongly that it makes a man a better husband to get his kink out here and there. What are the options? To be cranky and distracted or jeopardize a healthy marriage by trying to push kink onto a vanilla spouse? The money aspect, I can understand. For a married couple on a budget, a little splurge here and there doesn't seem to be a bad thing as long as you encourage her to do it too. Perhaps, surprising her with a trip to the day spa or whatever it is that she enjoys?

Thank You Cheyenne for Your valuable input. Yes i do the things You mentioned. i try to pamper/spoil SO, but the person She is will only give anything i get her to our kid. She is awesome and selfless like that, so i have to truly negotiate to make sure She pampers herself. Agree 100% about pushing a spouse into kink that they're not into. Not a wise thing to do.

Men being selfish - LOL - you are dead on as usual!! Hope your friend makes it work.

Thx bud. Enjoy.